


Ensorcell

by GillyTweed, Kendrene



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Sex Shop, Anxiety, Anxious Lexa, BDSM, Bullying, Clarke works in a sex shop, F/F, Mentions of Sexual Harassment, Panic Attacks, Sex Education, Sex Shop, Slow Burn, mentions of cheating
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-09-14 00:40:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 53,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9149032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GillyTweed/pseuds/GillyTweed, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kendrene/pseuds/Kendrene
Summary: While hiding from the bullies that hunt her, Lexa stumbles into the shop that Clarke works in. Under normal circumstances, this wouldn't mean much, however, the shop is a sex shop.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Gilly: So this is a co-authored work between Kendrene and myself. Due to both of us having busy schedules as well as having our own stories to update, the updates for this will be few and far between, but I hope you all enjoy it enough to be patient with us.

It was cold. That was probably the only reason why they hadn’t recognized her instantly. She’d luckily had her scarf pulled up over her face, and a beanie over her hair, and her thick jacket hid her distinctively slim figure when people were at a distance. The lack of recognition had given her the opportunity to dive into the shop she was passing, and she wasn’t yet sure if she was regretting it or not.

“Hello, How can I help you? We got a new shipment of dildos in, if you’re interested?”

She was leaning towards the regret side of the scale. The blonde worker looked at her expectantly from behind the counter, her eyes trained on the girl that stood awkwardly by the door. Lexa couldn’t force her tongue to work, all she could manage to do was hunch, pulling her scarf up further to hide her blush. She began debating if she should just go back outside and face the ridicule.

“I-um-uh…”

Lexa stuttered, a mixture of anxiety, panic and embarrassment shooting her fine motor skills to hell. All she knew was that she was standing in a sex shop, hiding from the bullies that stalked outside, and was blushing so hard that her glasses were fogging to the point that it couldn’t possibly be from just the cold. To make matters worse, there was a very attractive blonde with blue eyes offering to sell her sex toys, all with a smile that ground her thought process to a halt.

Before she could process much of what was happening, any decisions she could have made were made for her when she heard the voices just outside the shop. Her stomach lurched with fear as Nia’s laugh rang through the door, cold, cruel and harsh. She sprinted forward, the sudden spike of adrenaline dictating her actions as she dove around the counter, much to the blonde’s (Clarke, her name tag said Clarke) confusion.

“Can I just hide here for a bit, please?”

Her words were fast and jumbled but Clarke nodded, face filled with concern as the bell over the door jingled. She felt her throat close and her breathing increase as the three voices drew nearer. She stiffened when Clarke gently pushed the pom-pom of her hat down, then pulled it off her head and slipped it into her shaking hands when it kept peeking over the counter. Lexa couldn’t help but feel a small amount of relief at the other girl’s actions. She was helping her, at least for the time being.

“Hello, how can I help you?”

Clarke’s voice was as chipper as it had been when Lexa had stepped into the shop, and a smile that looked completely genuine was on her face. Her body was relaxed, but her posture was straight. The perfect picture of professionalism. If she wasn’t ready to spiral into a panic attack, Lexa would commend the blonde for her acting skills.

Ontari’s voice rang out, sarcastic as always. She’d always held a bite in her tone, even when talking to teachers and other adults. Her attitude had quickly gotten her grouped in with the delinquent group of their school, resulting in many after school detentions.

“Yeah, what are we here for, N?”

Roan laughed as Nia grumbled. Roan, as Nia’s brother, followed her everywhere. He was like a walking brick wall, almost all muscle and practically silent at all times. Nia on her own was scary, but with him looming behind her, their intimidation factor dialed up to eleven.

“I’m looking for a new whip. Not a riding crop though. I have enough of those.”

She could imagine confident Nia’s smirk as she answered, cruel and sharp, her teeth eerily white. Hearing them so close made her curl up tighter, biting back panicked gasps as she heard Nia lean on the counter. Clarke’s hand on her head made her jump, but she soon stilled, calming a little as the warmth of the blonde’s palm grounded her.

“Well, have you ever considered a cat o’ nine tails? There’s also floggers and canes to consider as well. Although, we unfortunately don’t have a very wide selection right now, so I’d recommend coming back around Tuesday. Monday is when we get our order in.”

Clarke sounded calm and professional, as though there wasn’t some weird girl hiding under her counter. The blonde was completely composed, listing off products all while gently stroking Lexa’s head in a touching attempt to calm her. Despite the reassuring touch, she curled into herself even more as there was silence, then quiet deliberation between the three. She barely registered the gentle movement of Clarke’s fingers as they brushed through her hair.

“Alright, we’ll be back then.”

Lexa only realized that she’d been holding her breath when the doors bell jingled, the three voices fading as they walked down the street. She let her breath out in one choked whoosh, back sliding down until she was awkwardly slumped against the counter.

Clarke waited patiently, continuing to stroke her hair until it seemed like she could breathe again. Surprisingly, she didn’t mind the light brushes of Clarke’s palm over her head. It gave her something to focus on as she breathed deeply, forcing her panic down until it was manageable. Even though the blonde was basically a stranger, her presence was soothing, calm and collected despite the unorthodox situation.

“So, do you want to tell me what that was about?”

Clarke asked once she’d caught her breath, stopping her gentle stroking and moving to sit on the stool pushed in the corner. The question sent her spiralling again, her throat closing as she swallowed harshly. She really didn’t want to explain the fact that she, an eighteen year old senior in high school, was being bullied. It was a humiliating thought, to explain it to anyone, let alone a complete stranger. She adjusted her glasses, pushing them up her nose from where they’d fallen, and sat up straighter in an attempt to look less pathetic than she already did.

“Um, I’d really rather not.”

She mumbled, pulling her scarf back over her face despite the warmth within the shop. The blonde tilted her head questioningly, elbows resting on her knees. Her blue eyes scanned the girl on the floor in front of her, taking in her rigid posture and nervous demeanor.

“Okay, then at least tell me your name.”

Lexa blinked, processing her words. She’d expected at least a bit more questioning, considering the concern that was so clearly radiating off the blonde. It was also rather obvious that she’d been hiding specifically from Nia, Ontari, and Roan. She swallowed and managed to stutter out her name.

“Uh-um-Lexa… My name is Lexa.”

Clarke gave her a small smile, and if Lexa hadn’t been so high strung, she was sure that she would have melted at the sight. Somehow, the other girl’s eyes managed to convey concern, tenderness and humour all at the same time. The blonde tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before standing, looking down at the brunette with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, if you want to hide out a little longer to make sure they’re gone, feel free.You can help me set out some new stuff, if you’d like.”

She crouched and pulled a large box from one of the shelves under the counter, heaving it up onto the countertop with a huff. Lexa watched, unsure of what to do as the blonde began pulling out smaller boxes. Slowly, as they piled up on the counter, she stood, playing with the end of her scarf with nervous fingers.

It took her only a moment to realize that the boxes were filled with a multitude of different colored dildos. The sight brought the fact that she was in a sex shop back to the forefront of her mind, flooding her face with heat. She knew she was really out of her element as a knot of anxiety settled in her stomach.

She wasn’t particularly well versed in the topic of sex, having only gone so far as sloppy kissing and fumbling touches over clothes with some of her past girlfriends. It didn’t help that her school hadn’t exactly focused too much on Sex Ed, preferring to go the abstinence only route, along with some weirdly designed pamphlets on STIs. The oddly drawn cartoons on the pamphlets had turned her away from the idea of doing any research on her own.

She held in a squeak, her shoulders coming up around her ears, when Clarke turned on one of the dildos, a loud buzzing coming from the device. She buried her face further into her scarf as Clarke continued to take out boxes, testing to see if the dildos worked, then organizing them by colour.

She stood frozen, still bundled in her coat and scarf, hunched with her face so red that her glasses had started fogging again, yet the blonde didn’t say anything, just giving her soft smiles whenever she turned in her direction.

“You can just sit behind the counter too. I won’t judge you, I promise.”

The words made her relax a miniscule amount, but she remained stock still as Clarke brushed past her, rounding the counter so she could start shelving the now sorted dildos. It took her a moment after the blonde had continued working, but she eventually shuffled over to the stool, toying with her scarf nervously.

With Clarke busy, she took the time to examine the shop, eyes roving over shelves upon shelves of different toys, lingerie, and assortments of other brightly coloured items she couldn’t hope to name. She raised a brow at oddly shaped vibrators, and quickly looked away from the rows of corsets. Her expressions continually changed, much to Clarke’s amusement, as she looked around the shop, taking in everything. Finally, she looked at what was in the case in front of her, finger tracing the loops of the collars nestled in fabric nests through the glass.

“You don’t know much about this stuff do you?”

Lexa startled, straightening up quickly to look at the blonde smiling understandingly at her as she leaned over the counter. She’d calmed down significantly since Nia and her friends had left, but now her panic rose in her throat again. She couldn’t speak, only letting out unintelligible noises until the blonde waved her hand in a signal to calm down.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. Everyone starts somewhere.”

The blonde glanced at the clock, one delicate eyebrow raising as she read the time.

“Well, my shift’s about to end, and it’s been a while. I’m sure those people are gone by now.”

Lexa felt a jolt lurch through her stomach as she checked her watch. It had easily been an hour since she’d entered the shop, making her flush all over again. Not only had she spent most of that time looking at everything in the shop, she would have to explain why she was late getting home to her foster father's, which would definitely not be a fun conversation if she didn’t think up a convincing excuse.

“I- um- I’ll go. Sorry if I spent too long in here.”

Clarke gave a small smile, tilting her head as she rested a cheek on her fist. Her hair tumbled beautifully over her shoulder in a rush, making Lexa’s mouth go dry. The combination of movements made her blush, but not from embarrassment.

“No, no, it’s okay. Stay as long as you like. Plus, feel free to hide out in here whenever you want. My coworkers might be a wee bit eccentric but I promise that they’re good people.”

Lexa swallowed as she nodded, a surprising feeling of relief and calm coming over her. The knot of anxiety loosened a bit as the blonde smiled at her, prompting her to give a small smile in return.

“Okay, I’ll, um… I’ll remember that.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa gets her first lesson in Sex Education and we get a small glimpse into Clarke's thoughts. Plus a wild Raven appears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another chapter! Kendrene and I managed to get this done so here it is! I have no idea when the next one will be out but with any luck it'll be soon (edit: just did some quick edits on an error I found)

“You know, I kinda hoped you wouldn’t have to hide in here again…”

Clarke said, crouching down in front of the brunette as the bell above the door jingled as it closed. The voices of Nia and her friends faded quickly, but that didn’t stop Lexa from burying her face in her scarf, knees pulled tightly to her chest.

She’d been an idiot.

She’d almost managed to forget her mortifying experience in the shop, having spent the entire weekend hermiting herself away and calming down. That was until she’d noticed on Monday that her favourite candles were running out. She hadn’t thought much of it, thinking she’d just go to the mall on Tuesday and get some more.

I’d recommend coming back around Tuesday. Monday is when we get our order in.

She’d completely forgotten that that was when Nia would be coming back to look at whips of all things. So, of course, at the sight of Nia and her friends, she’d panicked, diving once again into the little sex shop and squirreled herself away under the counter all while Clarke watched her with worried eyes.  
The blonde had handled Nia beautifully once again, pulling up example whips from a bin under the counter, all while intermittently stroking Lexa’s head in a soothing manner. She’d only left the counter once, guiding the three friends over to the back of the store to a rack lined with whips, canes and floggers, then quickly returned while they made their selection.

Throughout it all, Lexa remained frozen, struggling to breathe as she curled up into herself. Nia and her friends remained much longer than last time, giving the brunette time to think of the worst case scenario. Nia was shameless, as were her friends, they had no trouble talking about sex and all the ways they liked having it. However, Lexa was not. She was inexperienced and shy, an easy target for the bullies cruelty. Should she be discovered, the torment she would undergo would be excruciating. She could see the headlines now:

Little Lexa Woods, found under the counter of a sex shop.

Knowing Nia, it would spread like wildfire. By the end of school tomorrow, everyone would know from the freshmen to the janitors. The thought made her throat close even more, making her take only little sips of air. She shuddered at the feeling of a hand on her head, but stilled and looked up slowly at the blonde sitting beside her.

Clarke had dragged the stool from the corner, letting her sit next to the brunette, as well as block anyone’s view of her should they peek around the counter. The blonde had looked down at her with a comforting smile, and gently dragged her fingers through Lexa’s tangle of hair. She couldn’t say that she had enjoyed it or not, but the gesture had managed to keep her calm until the bullies had left, Nia’s purchases swinging in a bag on her arm.

As soon as they’d gone, Clarke had crouched in front of her, keeping a respectful distance between them, but her words had sent Lexa into hiding, hunkering down in hopes that the problem would go away. The brunette felt terrible. She was most likely causing the blonde problems, and when she heard the other girl sigh at her lack of response, she felt worse.

“Look, I don’t know you, or your situation, but if you need to hide in here a hundred more times, you can.”

Lexa remained rigid, but peeked up a little over her glasses. Clarke smiled at her, soft and warm. The expression made her blush, her breath catching in the back of her throat.

“There you are.”

The blonde murmured quietly, offering a hand up. Breathing shakily, she took it hesitantly. Clarke’s palm was warm, but not damp at all. It was a nice balance of warm and dry, like a soft blanket after being out in the snow. She was slowly pulled to stand, not rushed or jerked at all. The gentle treatment left her there blinking, unsure of what to do.

“I’ll be right back.”

Clarke guided her to the stool and eased her down to sit before disappearing behind a door into the back of the shop. Lexa swallowed as she was left alone. Without the blonde the store seemed big and intimidating, filled with things she didn’t understand. Fidgeting with her scarf, she tried to distract herself, eyes avoiding any of the more obscene items in the store. Eventually, she settled for examining the glass case in front of her.

The collars hadn’t moved since the last time she’d been in the store, and she had to admit she was intrigued by them. Each leather circle was designed differently, some looking soft and elegant, and others hard and threatening. Some had lace stitched around the edges in pretty patterns, others had large and small spikes embedded in the leather. There were simple bands, just leather loops of varying colours, while others had pieces of chain making up some sections. One had a small black bow tie attached that made her giggle.

She straightened as Clarke returned holding a mug full of steaming liquid. Lexa held in her wince. Caffeine generally made her anxiety worse, making her feel jittery and stressed, but the blonde had been so kind it would be rude to refuse.

She took the offered cup, giving a shaky smile. The warmth from the ceramic was soothing against her fingers, a slight scalding that gave her something to focus on. Clarke tilted her head to the side expectantly, a small smile playing on her lips. Lexa swallowed, bringing the cup to her lips. Clarke’s smile grew wide when the brunettes eyes widened, the sweet taste of hot cocoa flowing over her tongue.

“I thought anything caffeine might be a bit much so I hope you like cocoa.”

Lexa couldn’t hold in her blush as she nodded, fiddling with the end of her scarf. Clarke’s smile was infectious, tugging at the corners of her mouth. The blonde grinned and stretched, a thin line of skin showing from under her shirt. She relaxed with a heavy sigh, leaning up against the counter.

“Well, that’s good. I don’t really have that much work to do, so having you around isn’t half bad.”

The comment brought a new rush of heat to Lexa’s cheeks. She focused on the steaming liquid in her mug, smiling as little swirls of steam fogged her glasses. She decided she liked Clarke. She was considerate, playful, and really, really pretty.

“So, I saw you looking at the collars. You a sub?”

She choked a little on the cocoa. She was sure if she gripped the mug any harder it would shatter.

“N-No, I was- I don’t even...I um, don’t even know about-”

She stuttered and waved a hand around the shop, her shoulders coming up around her ears in embarrassment.

“Sex?”

Lexa held in a cough at the word, pulling her scarf up around her face. Clarke looked at her with an apologetic gaze as she handed her a tissue to wipe up any of the spilled drink.

“My school’s Sex Ed class kind of focused on abstinence, and the pamphlets concerning stuff like STIs just looked weird, so…”

Clarke chuckled at her explanation, completely understanding.

“So, you know pretty much nothing?”

The brunette nodded, keeping her eyes averted. She was confident that the blonde wouldn’t judge her, but admitting her lack of knowledge was still embarrassing.

“Well we can’t have that now can we!”

Lexa blinked as Clarke vaulted bodily over the counter, blushing as the blonde’s shirt rode up. Clarke wandered around the store humming, happy energy buzzing around her. It made Lexa smile as she watched, she felt a little nervous at what the other girl was planning, but not particularly anxious. She felt like she could trust that Clarke wouldn’t do anything mean or cruel, or something to intentionally hurt or make her uncomfortable.

She ran her finger around the rim of the mug, most of the cocoa now gone, as she waited for the blonde to come back. It didn’t take long. Clarke returned to the counter holding a bright green dildo triumphantly.

“So, we’re gonna start with the basics. Lesson one: how to put on a condom. This-”

She waved the dildo as she settled her elbows on the counter. She placed the dildo standing upright between them.

“Is a dick. Well, not an actual dick, but for the sake of this demonstration it is.”

Lexa held in a laugh. She was never really comfortable with the topic of sex or anything involved, yet when Clarke talked about it, it became rather humourous.

“And this is a condom. I’m sure you’ve heard of them, but if you haven’t, it’s like a lil sock for your dick so you don’t catch a baby.”

Lexa snorted, gripping the mug tighter so she didn’t drop it in her laughter. Clarke smiled, holding in her own laugh. The brunette decided in that moment that she really, really liked Clarke. The blonde tore open the package of the condom expertly, showing her the little circle of rubber.

“While a lot of people assume that condoms are just for contraception, it has a ton of other uses, like reducing the spread of some STI’s, not all though, so make note of that. They help in creating a healthy sex environment in general. Some have lubricants pre put on, so for people who are allergic to some kinds of lube, they might find that condoms work better. Of course, condoms aren’t foolproof, some people don’t like using them, and sometimes they aren’t always a viable option, so there are other ways to prevent pregnancy and stuff, but I’ll talk about that later.”

Clarke pulled the dildo towards her, smirking a little as Lexa watched, eyes wide.

“So, whatcha do is, pinch the little air bubble here, and put it on the tip.”

She demonstrated as she went, going slow so her movements were obvious.

“Then you just roll it down.”

The latex slipped over the didlo easily, creating a sleeve over the green silicon. Clarke held up the dildo.

“And lesson one, complete.”

Clarke leaned on the counter, resting her chin on her hand as she grinned. Lexa was still giggling, the descriptions too much. She bit her lip hard, trying her best to ease her excessive laughter.

“I...um.”

She took a deep breath to calm herself, the smile that had found its way onto her face refusing to leave.

“I don’t think I’ll really need to know that, considering I’m more interested in women.”

She breathed out, a hand on her chest as she tried to suck in more air. Her being gay wasn’t an unknown fact at her school. She’d had girlfriends and such, and despite the severely lacking sex education, socially her school was rather progressive, having no tolerance for discrimination. It was a small blessing, considering all the other things Nia and her friends could bully her for.

With that sobering thought, her laughter finally died in her throat. She licked her lips, eyes flicking to the blonde. She had a feeling that Clarke was rather progressive, seeing as she worked in a sex shop, but her nerves didn’t entirely calm until she saw the grin on the other girl’s face.

“Ayyye, another baby gay! I’m bisexual myself. Although I disagree about the not knowing. Everyone should, in my opinion.”

Lexa looked down, biting her lip. Warmth pooled in her chest. It felt nice to have such instantaneous acceptance. She circled the rim of the mug again, trying to supress the smile that wanted to plaster itself across her face.

“Dang, my shift's almost over…”

Suddenly, Lexa had to hold back her frown. She enjoyed Clarke’s company, and the way she explained things was both funny and informative. The brunette found that she would regret leaving, knowing she wouldn’t really have a reason to come back.

“Seeing as we only got through one lesson, want to come back tomorrow? It’s nice having company.”

Lexa’s eyes snapped up, and she realized she was nodding. Her face flushed again as Clarke grinned at her.

“Great, I work Monday to Friday, eight to four, so come by whenever.”

* * *

 

The door’s bell jingled and as the heavy glass door clicked shut on Lexa’s heels, the store felt instantly emptier. Clarke frowned down at the now mostly empty cup of cocoa, liquidly rapidly cooling inside it, and picked it up absentmindedly with every intention of rinsing it and putting it away before Raven arrived to start her own shift.

Her friend knew she didn’t really drink hot chocolate, being more of a caffeine addict, ahem consumer, and the brunette had a knack for sniffing things out. It wasn’t that Clarke wanted to keep Lexa a secret, not precisely, but she felt like she had just started to gain the girl’s trust and she was sure Raven’s flamboyant, explosive self could very well scare green eyes away.

She sighed and blinked herself out of her stupor, realizing she was still standing, cup in hand like a total idiot.  
Clarke went in the back and cleaned up, then returned to the counter, flicking the condom off the bright green dildo she’d used for her lesson, and put the toy back on a nearby shelf, effectively erasing every tangible trace of Lexa’s passage.

She went around the store, making sure everything was in order, but failed to occupy her mind with something other than Lexa. There was something fragile about her that just made Clarke’s instincts rear up protectively, and even though she didn’t know what exactly had happened between Lexa and their newly acquired clientele, she was strangely glad the brunette had elected the sexy shop as her sanctuary. After today she was at least sure that it had not been a coincidence, the two times Lexa had graced the store with her presence, the other kids had appeared shortly after.

Clarke’s feet carried her back to the counter, and the glass case with the collars on display, just as the store’s door opened with a cheery jingle behind her. An upbeat “Hey, Grifball!” heralded Raven’s arrival. Clarke mumbled back a distracted greeting, eyes never leaving the showcase. She couldn’t help but wonder how Lexa would look with one of those collars around her neck.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We do have a plan for this story but any feedback would be appreciated and will be taken into account as we write, so don't be afraid to review!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back at the sex shop Lexa comes face to face with Raven for the first time. Shenanigans ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since Gilly "tasked" me to upload the chapter today, I am gonna add a small note (I am sneaky like that :p). This story contains several themes that are close to my heart, so I would like to thank Gilly for inviting me to write it with them. They are not only a talented author, but also a wonderful person I am honored to count as a friend - K

“Alright, have a nice day!”

Lexa pressed her forehead harder against her knees as the bell above the door jangled, Ontari and Nia’s laughter fading as the door shut. Her heart continued to pound even after they left, the fear taking a long while to settle. Clarke looked down at her with sad eyes from her spot on her stool. Her hand rested gently on the brunette’s head, stroking slowly.

It was Friday, the one day of school where she got to leave early. It had made her excited, knowing that she’d get to spend more time than usual with Clarke, but it had all gone down hill when Nia and her friends had shown up. 

Luckily, they’d been by the door. Clarke had been showing her some long canes that the shop had stored in an umbrella stand next to the door, explaining how some people found pleasure when hit in certain ways, which had let Lexa hear the bullies before they’d come in. She’d dove over the counter in a rather impressive display of agility just as the telling jingle of the bell.

Clarke had been professional as always, showing Nia the selection of collars in the glass case of the counter. The three debated over whether spikes or studs would look better, leather or chain, until they finally came to a decision almost twenty minutes later. The entire time, Clarke had sat next to her on the stool, keeping one hand on her head as a comforting presence.

Lexa had known the few days she’d spent with Clarke were too good to be true, that the little shop in the mall would always be a safe place. She’d grown comfortable there, talking with Clarke, learning new things. How the blonde explained things was fascinating and humourous, and she made Lexa feel at ease when asking questions, always answering with a smile. She’d gotten so comfortable that she’d almost forgotten the reason she’d found the shop in the first place. 

“Do you want some cocoa?”

Clarke asked gently, never stopping the slow motions of her hand. After having three near panic attacks, the stroking had become grounding, associated with the calm and safe presence of Clarke. She nodded slightly, not moving from her curled position on the floor. Clarke’s hand disappeared after one more gentle stroke that tucked some stray hair behind an ear, then the sound of her footsteps getting further away.

Lexa held in a sob, biting her lip roughly. She’d felt so safe here, but Nia and her friends kept showing up. Even when they didn’t know she was there, they somehow always managed to ruin everything. She pulled off her glasses and scrubbed at her face, hoping to hide her tears before Clarke came back. Her face felt warm and her eyes grainy, a feeling she hated. She sniffed harshly one last time, slipping her glasses back on as Clarke returned, mug in hand.

She kept her head down as the blonde handed it to her, not wanting to reveal her red puffy eyes. Hugging the mug close, she let the warm ceramic scald her, creating a pleasant stinging in her hands that sharpened her scattered focus. As she sipped the cocoa, Clarke resumed carding her fingers through her hair, not asking her to move or answer anything.

They continued like that for a while, Clarke flipping open her sketch book while Lexa remained curled on the floor. The store was empty like it usually was at this hour, quiet and calm, the only noise being the light hum of the heating unit. Seconds passed until they blended into minutes, the rhythmic stroking of Clarke’s hand lulling Lexa’s heart back into a regular beat.

“Damn, Griff! Found yourself a new sub?”

The loud _click_ of the door swinging shut echoed off the walls like gunshot. The mug clattered to the floor, luckily empty of any cocoa, the handle snapping off with a crack as Lexa jolted. Clarke jerked up from her drawing, hand stilling on the brunette’s head. A small scowl, one of the first negative expressions she’d ever seen from the blonde, settling on her face.

“Raven, don’t do that.”

The new arrival, a dark haired girl that was maybe the same age as Clarke, sauntered in from the door to the back, a thick red snow coat hanging over one arm. She had a confident smirk on her face, along with a raised eyebrow in questioning.

“Do what?”

Clarke rolled her eyes, straightening. Lexa almost wanted to whine when her hand moved away, but bit it down. The blonde stood, stretching as Raven hung her coat on a set of hooks behind the counter.

“Surprise us like that, and she’s not my sub. This is Lexa, the girl I told you about.”

Raven’s eyes seemed to light up in recognition, an easy smile replacing her smirk. She crouched down in front of Lexa, keeping about a foot of space between them, and held out her hand.

“Hey, I’m Raven. Clarke’s told me a lot about you. Sorry about scaring you.”

Lexa blinked for a moment, staring at Raven’s beaming face, before slowly extending her hand to shake. The other girl’s hand was cold from being outside, the skin dry and a little rough, almost like the opposite of Clarke’s. Over Raven’s shoulder, she saw Clarke leaning against the back wall, smiling fondly at them.

Lexa looked back to Raven and gave a small smile. While she’d scared her when she’d first come in, she’d apologized and seemed rather nice. She had a feeling that if Clarke was friends with her, then she was probably a decent person.

“Lexa.”

She mumbled. Raven smiled and gave her hand a firm squeeze before standing up and stretching, her arms reaching for the ceiling. Clarke pushed off the wall and came to stand beside her.

“You’re here early, everything okay?”

The brunette nodded, dropping her arms back down with a groan.

“Yeah, it’s all good. The car broke, so I had to hop the bus while O goes to get it fixed.”

Clarke nodded in understanding and patted her friend on the shoulder as she passed, bending down to retrieve the handle and the mug that had rolled into the corner. Lexa swallowed, a sudden feeling of guilt at not noticing the broken mug closing her throat. She stared at her lap, twisting her fingers anxiously as she mentally berated herself. Her cheeks were on fire and she felt even more heat rise up to her face when she thought that replacing Clarke’s mug, gave her even more excuses to keep coming back. It was a horrible idea, feeling happy about breaking someone else’s stuff, but she couldn’t help herself.

“Hey, we still have an hour, want me to show you some more stuff?”

Then suddenly Clarke was in front of her, head tilted in the way that only Clarke could, her eyes shining excitedly like Lexa hadn’t done anything wrong.

“I- um, sure. Sorry about the mug.”

Clarke blinked, looking at the mug and handle in her her hand before turning back with a soft smile.

“What, this? It’s not your fault. Raven shouldn’t have scared us.”

The blonde playfully scowled up at the other girl, who whistled as she scampered away. The blonde’s words made the guilt ease a little. Clarke offered her a hand up, which she took with a small smile.

“Besides, we have a giant stack of these in the back. They were on sale so Luna just bought a ton.”

Both the guilt and the shameful happiness she’d felt evaporated and, while she was glad that the first was gone, the disappearance of the latter left her a bit hollow.

Clarke pulled her to stand, still as slow and gentle as the first time she’d done it. Once standing, she wrapped her arms around herself. Under the counter had been warm, heated by the computer that powered the till, but now the cooler air of the shop made her shiver.

“Who’s Luna?”

Clarke smiled over her shoulder as she went to toss the broken mug in the trash.

“Oh, Luna’s the manager. She’s normally around, but she’s been at a convention with her boyfriend for the past week or so. She’s pretty chill. I think you’d like her.”

Lexa followed Clarke as she went around the counter, nodding in understanding. The blonde led her in front of the counter before spinning on her heel to face her, hands on her hips.

“Alright, what do you wanna check out?”

Lexa bit her lip to hide a smile. Clarke liked to shake things up between stuff she wanted to show Lexa and asking what Lexa would like to know about. It was a nice balance, showing her a few things, then letting her choose which topic she wanted to pursue. She thought for a moment, turning as her eyes scanned the shop until her eyes landed on the glass case full of collars.

_So, I saw you looking at the collars. You a sub?_

Raven had also asked if she was a sub. She’d heard Clarke mention them before, along with Doms. She knew that they were roles that someone could play during a scene, but that was about it. She bit her lip harder, too nervous to actually ask with a new person in the store. She kept looking until her eye caught on a bin full of large fluffy feathered things. She pointed.

“What are those for?”

Clarke smiled as she crossed over to the bin. She pulled out one of the feathered objects. It was long and thin, almost like a feather duster with the soft brightly coloured blue fluff gathered on one end.

“This is a tickler. Some people call them stimulators too. In a lot of cases they do exactly what it sounds like.”

Clarke grinned and lunged forward, swiping the tickler across Lexa’s side. The brunette yelped out a laugh. Even with her shirt on the soft feathers tickled her side. The blonde laughed with her, moving closer as she continued to tickle the younger girl. Laughing, Lexa dodged around Clarke and rushed to the bin. She pulled out a tickler of her own, a floppy yellow one, and laughed. Clarke widened her stance, face still beaming, with her tickler at the ready.

“So, you’re ticklish eh?”

Lexa smiled, bringing her own tickler up as she laughed. She felt light as they lunged, trying to swipe at each other clumsily. It was in these moments that she felt free. Her anxiousness was in some far off corner of her mind, pushed aside by the fun and breathless laughter.

Finally, they slumped against each other, gasping for air as strangled laughs escaped them. Clarke clutched at her chest as she struggled to breath, a grin still plastered on her face. Her arm was slung across Lexa’s shoulders, the brunette pulled into her side.

“Okay, so, that’s the fun, innocent use.”

The blonde straightened after they caught their breath, looking at Lexa with smiling eyes.

“You know how I told you some people like being tied up so their partner can do stuff without them moving?”

Lexa nodded, remembering their discussion on bondage. She could sort of understand how someone might find it pleasurable, although she wasn’t sure if she’d be comfortable trying it. Being tied up sounded like an immense loss of control, something that scared her a bit. If she ever did want to try it, it would probably be a ways down the road with someone she trusted completely.

“Well, sometimes people use these as a gentle form of stimulation, like over the ribs or back, even on the genitals. You could do it without bondage too of course, but I’ve always found it’s a bit hard when the one being tickled can move away.”

Clarke waved the tickler lazily through the air, a small smile on her face as her eyes tracked it. Lexa huffed out a laugh that turned into a yawn. She was tired after their tickle fight, and hiding from Nia and her friends had been rather draining. Her eyes felt heavy as she put the tickler back into the bin.

“Just to remind you, I don’t work tomorrow or Sunday, but Raven will be around, and Luna should be back tomorrow.”

Lexa’s heart sank. She bit her lip, her nerves welling up. She didn’t think she’d be comfortable coming to the shop without Clarke there, but she also didn’t want to be rude.

“I, um, I don’t know if I’ll be busy.”

It was a weak excuse. She’d already told Clarke on one of her earlier visits that she didn’t really get out much, preferring to stay home most of the time. The blonde raised an eyebrow knowingly, but didn’t question.

“Okay, feel free to come back on Monday. I really like having you around.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always any feedback would be appreciated and will be taken into account as we write, so don't be afraid to review!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa visits her therapist and accepts a few things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another chapter! We've been doing pretty well in having a chapter ready each week! Little surprising but a good thing. This chapter is entirely written by Kendrene while the others were mostly written by me (Gilly). I'm excited for y'all to see the awesome skills she has!

Sunday dawned dark and sullen, the sky above her head a solid slate grey in color, threatening to dump more snow on them than what was already on the ground from the day before.

When Lexa pushed the door that led into Indra’s office, a wave of warmth assaulted her and immediately fogged her glasses, but she heaved a sigh of relief as she shrugged out of her heavy jacket.

The office’s foyer was quiet and dark, the lights turned low and the secretary’s desk, that was usually manned by Emori, deserted. She noticed that there was another jacket on the coat rack as she went to hang her own, a clear sign she wasn’t the only one in need of Indra’s advice on a weekend.

Lexa settled down to wait in one of the comfy chairs that lined one wall and fishing her cell phone out of her jeans’ back pocket. She began to fidget. She wasn’t nervous, well not exactly. Alright, she was and the clean, functional lines of the room around her failed to calm her down like they usually did.

She pulled up her messages and flipped idly through them as she waited. She found herself rereading the latest she’d sent Indra and shook her head ruefully. She had made her appointment as soon as she had left the sex shop on Friday, the half-lie she’d told Clarke burning hot on her tongue.

Lexa usually did not schedule appointments with Indra on the weekend, unless it was a real emergency, but she had felt compelled to. That way, what she’d say about being busy was actually true, at least to some extent.

She didn’t like to lie as a general rule, but there had been something different, something more in this case. Before she could try to figure out what it was, the door to Indra’s office opened and the therapist appeared on the threshold to see her previous patient out.

“Come on in, Lexa.” Indra beckoned with an encouraging half smile.

Lexa remembered how intimidated she’d felt the first time she went to an appointment. The small clinic looked more like a lawyer’s office than a doctor’s and Indra had seemed like a severe, unstoppable force. But, it hadn’t taken more than a few sessions for Lexa to see the kindness lurking beneath the firm exterior and she was glad she hadn’t run like her instincts had first screamed to do.

“So,” Indra began when they were sat in front of each other, a steaming mug of cocoa in front of Lexa, “I have to admit I was worried when I first got your message. Perhaps the fact you didn’t choose to go to the movies to turn an excuse into the truth means you did need to talk?”

Lexa reached for the cocoa and took a hearty sip, scalding her lips. She hoped the mug would hide her frown, but Indra’s eyebrows rose knowingly.

“Maybe.”

She finally grumbled, sinking back into the leather couch. Her eyes scanned the room, looking anywhere but at the woman across from her.

“Do you want to maybe tell me why you didn’t want to lie?”

“Well...there’s this girl…”

“Ah.”

“No!” Lexa waved her hands frantically, almost spilling the cocoa down her front, “I mean...we’re friends...kinda...I think we are?”

Indra folded her hands on her lap and waited.

“She...uh...I… well we’ve been talking? And…” Lexa squirmed and took a deep breath. She hated how everything she was saying sounded like a question, “I like her company.”

Indra waited patiently as Lexa bit her lips and worried them between her teeth, setting the cup down for a moment, before picking it up again and squeezing it hard in her hands as if her life depended on it. The therapist had learned that Lexa would come into things and admit them in her own time. While some people needed constant questions to process their emotions, the more one prodded Lexa, the more she would shut down.

Indra remembered their first few sessions, when getting more than grunted “hmm”s and “uh”s had seemed almost impossible.

Finally Lexa mumbled something, and Indra caught the word “friend”. That was new - Lexa had never really mentioned friends before during their weekly chats, and Indra knew she had trouble opening up to people. This could definitely be a good thing for the girl.

The therapist watched Lexa’s fingers drum against the sides of the cup, then the girl set it down and crossed her arms, tucking her hands under them to keep herself from fidgeting.

“I kinda want Clarke to be. My friend...I mean... outside the store too.” she trailed off and dipped her head forward, gaze rooted to her feet to avoid Indra’s searching eyes.

“Store?” Indra leaned forward and placed a hand on Lexa’s arm as gently as she could, then asked softly, “would you like to tell me how you met Clarke? She seems to have made quite the impression on you.” She smiled in encouragement and Lexa finally raised her eyes to meet hers, emotions swirling wildly in the green depths.

“Uh.”

Lexa racked her brain for an explanation that wouldn’t make her sound like a total pervert. What would Indra think about her going to a sex shop? Sure it had been an accident the first time, but she had kept on going back. She mentally curb-stomped the small voice insisting she did it for a certain pair of blue eyes, and was suddenly glad she had not left her scarf with the jacket as she felt heat flush her cheeks. She tugged the scarf up nervously and her eyes began to roam the room, looking at everything but her therapist.

“Well I had to hide. And...I just ran into the first store I saw. And...and it was this sex shop and Clarke works there…” She choked on the last word as an invisible fist clamped around her throat and reached for the mug of cocoa, only to find it empty.

“Let me get you some more,” Indra offered, taking the cup from her and quickly went into the small kitchenette adjacent her study, where Lexa knew she kept an assortment of soft drinks and sweets for her patients. Indra worked with kids and teenagers a lot.

The therapist was gone only a couple of minutes, but it was enough for Lexa to gather up a reasonable amount of composure. She wiped clammy sweat off her hands using her jeans, then took the cocoa refill gratefully. It always helped her to hold onto something when she felt unsettled.

She drank some more cocoa, the warm liquid muting the churning of her stomach, and watched Indra carefully over the rim of the cup. Lexa knew exactly what the doctor was going to ask next.

“You mentioned you were hiding. Those people in school are still giving you trouble Lexa?”

Her shoulders sagged in defeat. There it was. Then again, Indra hadn’t dwelled on the sex shop part at least. Her therapist knew about the bullies, and they had even tried to involve the school’s officials through Lexa’s foster parents, without much result. Being a foster kid was only part of her problem, and perhaps the easiest explanation. The truth was she was quiet and reserved and when she hadn’t pushed back the first time Nia had poked at her, she and her cronies had taken it as a sign she was a doormat.

Her lips twisted in a grimace. Perhaps she really was.

“As I said, I’ve been hiding,” Lexa snapped back and immediately regretted the tone her voice took, “I’m sorry...I…”

Indra raised a hand soothingly.

“We can talk about something else.”

In that moment Lexa felt like a coward.

She knew that she should try and stand up to Nia, but years of making herself as little of a nuisance as possible as she went from one foster family to the next, had slowly chipped away at her backbone. She’d taken kickboxing when she was younger, but Lexa had felt so hurt for such a long time that she couldn’t bring herself to cause pain to someone else even if they deserved it.

“Why don’t you tell me more about Clarke?” Indra smiled conspiratorially, “I admit I am curious. For example, why do you like hanging out with her?”

Lexa shrugged.

“She’s kind. She helped me without asking stuff and...she’s been teaching me about...uhhhh.” She hitched the scarf down a fraction, suddenly overheated before hiking it back up as a wave of embarrassment washed over her.

“About sex?”

Lexa expected Indra to laugh, but the therapist expression was utterly neutral.

“Kinda.” She bit her tongue hard, before the words “it was fun” tumbled out of her mouth. Lexa did not need to bring innuendo into their conversation.

“What did she teach you so far?” She scanned Indra’s face carefully, but it didn’t look like the doctor was hinting at anything actually physical between her and Clarke. Oh, God. Where had that come from?

Lexa’s mind rapidly filled with hazy, yet astoundingly vivid flashes of what she and Clarke could get up to, even though the mechanics of it all remained a mystery. She sipped on her drink so fast it went down the wrong way and she clapped a hand over her mouth and coughed, eyes filling with stinging tears.

“There is nothing to be ashamed of Lexa, in finding sex interesting. Certain aspects of it may look...unusual to some, and people are quick to judge, but it is good to be curious and educated about things so that when something actually happens you know what to expect.”

“Unusual?” Lexa managed to get out, despite the embarrassment drying her mouth out.

“Yes,” Indra nodded for emphasis, “some people may like role play, to dominate or submit to their partners. But roles don’t always end there and these things aren’t strictly sexual either.”

“They...aren’t?”

“Mmhhh-mmhhh. Perhaps your friend can tell you more since she works in a sex shop. I am sure they carry informative literature as well as toys.”

“Oh.”

Lexa set the empty cup on the coffee table and grimaced when the porcelain rattled softly against the wooden surface, hoping that Indra would overlook how badly her hands were shaking. She was a bit surprised at how accepting Indra was being. Not that she thought the therapist would be unaccepting, it was more about how the older woman seemed to be almost encouraging her new interest.

“I am not sure…,” she bit the inside of her cheek pensively and ran a hand through her hair in frustration, only managing to tangle them along with her thoughts.

“Perhaps it would help you to write down for me how all of this makes you feel.” Indra stood and walked to her desk, taking a small notebook out of a drawer and handing it to Lexa.

She turned it over in her hands, leafing through the empty pages. The paper was creamy and heavy, almost cotton-like and Lexa felt like the notebook was begging her to fill it.

“Thank you.” She wasn’t sure if it was for the notebook or the talk.

Indra laughed and shook her head, “thank me if it helps you out.” She checked her agenda and added, “Do you want to come in next Thursday, usual time?”

“Sounds good.” Lexa stood and the therapist walked her out, waiting while she put her jacket on. She felt better somewhat, having shared something about Clarke, making her feel more grounded, like the girl, the store and Raven actually existed and she hadn’t live in a two-week long dream.

Outside the day had darkened with an approaching snowstorm and the first few flakes of snow were spiralling down lazily, tickling her face as she cast her eyes upwards. Lexa clutched the notebook to her chest and bent her shoulders forward, huddling against the wind.

A fleeting smile played along her lips as she thought that if it was all a dream, she didn’t want to wake up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone has any criticism or suggestions, feel free to comment! We love reading comments, they make us happy!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa versus The Giant Dildo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another chapter for you lovely people! We've gotten some great responses to this fic which I'm really excited about (can't speak for Kendrene but I'm pretty sure she feels the same)! The giant dildo in this chapter is based off of something called The Great American Challenge XD you can find it on Amazon if you're curious, but I'd recommend the use of Incognito window.

On monday, Lexa couldn’t wait to go back to the store. Her talk with Indra had given her some confidence when it came to her interest. All through school her leg had bounced, not in anxiety like usual, but in excitement. She hadn’t admitted it to herself before, but she’d been a bit nervous about how someone would react if they were to find out about her after school activities, and Indra’s reassurance had calmed those nerves. Once the final bell had rung, she’d left as quickly as possible, dodging the trio of bullies by going out the back entrance.

A quick bus ride later, and she was opening the door to the shop, her glasses fogging as she went from cool, early November weather, to a comfortable warmth. Her excitement fizzled out slightly when she didn’t immediately catch sight of the usual blonde behind the counter. Instead, Raven perked up, sending a wide grin at the brunette. She sent a tense smile back, tugging at her scarf slightly.

Where was Clarke? The blonde was usually here by now, as she generally worked the morning shift. Swallowing down her worry, she shuffled over to the counter, letting a quiet ‘hey’ escape from behind her scarf. She tried to peek around the counter to the door that led to the back, which was left slightly ajar exposing several shelves of boxes to her view.

“Where’s Clarke?”

She could feel her worry rising, and quickly moving into anxious territory. She wasn’t used to talking with Raven, even when Clarke was there, and the fact that the blonde wasn’t here at all was sending her stomach into a series of nervous flips. What if she was hurt? Or worse, dead? She knew she was being irrational, but she couldn’t stomp the intrusive thoughts down.

“She needed to do some stuff today, but she should be here soon. Don’t worry, she’s okay.”

The older brunette smiled reassuringly from behind the counter, her features becoming soft as she watched the anxious girl. Lexa couldn’t help the slight sigh of relief that escaped her. Her stomach calmed slightly, but the tight, jittery feeling didn’t go away. She moved to take off her jacket to wait, but paused as a woman with particularly curly brunette hair appeared from the back, carrying one of the largest dildos she’d ever laid eyes on.

“Okay, Raven, this is for display purposes only. Don’t recommend it to anyone even as a joke. I have no desire to deal with a lawsuit because someone got internal organ damage from this thing.”

The woman hadn’t seen Lexa yet, turning so her back was to the store, letting her place the giant dildo on a display behind the counter. Lexa could feel her eyes widen as she took in the massive toy, unable to look away like someone witnessing a trainwreck. She had to agree that it should only be used as a visual gag if anything, as she had a feeling that a normal person wouldn’t even be able to get a hand around it even if they tried. She shuddered to think of any other possibilities. She lacked visual references, but not imagination and what flashed through her mind was surely the stuff of nightmares.

“Well hello, who’s this?”

She barely registered the question, as well as Raven’s response of ‘This is Lexa. Lexa, this is the store manager, Luna’ as she just kept staring at the dildo, only coming back to reality when the bell over the door jingled and a hand was placed on her shoulder. She turned to see Clarke, dressed in a thick coat and cute beanie, smiling at her with one brow raised. She felt her cheeks stain with red, prompting her to pull up her scarf in embarrassment.

* * *

Clarke had almost expected Lexa to not come back to the shop after the two days of absence. If there was a time to stop returning, it would have been after such a gap in time, but the brunette had returned and it made the blonde smile in joy. She enjoyed Lexa’s company a lot. The brunette was inquisitive, unjudging and very willing to learn even if some lessons had her blushing so hard Clarke worried she might pass out, or, which was even more troubling, self-combust. So to say she was happy that she’d returned was an understatement.

“So, what’s going on here?”

Walking in to see Lexa staring at the new display item had made her raise an eyebrow in questioning. The brunette’s wide eyed expression had been hilarious, but the sudden and violent flush she now sported was slightly worrying. She glanced towards Raven, directing the question at her friend. The older brunette’s mischievous grin made her worry grow further. She’d warned Raven that Lexa seemed to have some rather bad anxiety, so she hoped that her coworker wouldn’t take anything too far.

“Oh, I was just recommending the new display item to Lexa.”

Raven motioned to the giant dildo that sat behind her. It was obviously not meant to actually go inside a human body, but Raven’s words still had Lexa squeaking embarrassment.

“Raven, what did I just say?”

Luna’s voice rang from the back room, the woman having returned to the back after Lexa had failed to respond to her question. Clarke sent a slight glare at her coworker as she felt Lexa shake slightly under her hand. Patting the younger girl’s shoulder a little to get her moving, she guided her behind the counter. Hot chocolate had yet to fail in calming Lexa down, so maybe it would help now.

Taking Lexa’s coat to hang up with her own, she hip bumped Raven lightly, eyeing her to say ‘be nice.’ Her coworker grinned apologetically, raising her hands up in a universal sign of peace. Clarke wanted this place to be safe for Lexa. It was obvious that other places weren’t exactly safe for the younger girl, if the bullies she hid from were any indication, so she wanted to make her feel as comfortable as possible.

“I’ll be right back.”

She said with a gentle touch to Lexa’s arm. Slipping into the back after she received a hesitant nod, she grabbed one of the mugs off the giant stack and rinsed it out quickly. She then plugged in the electric kettle and grabbed the cocoa powder as she waited for the water to boil. She personally prefered making hot cocoa with milk and then microwaving it, but alas they didn’t have a microwave or milk in the back.

Luna smiled at her from where she was doing inventory, raising a brow at her choice of drink. Clarke was a notorious coffee drinker, always having one in the morning as well as one to sip while she worked.

“It’s for Lexa.”

She explained, grabbing a second mug for herself along with the instant coffee powder. Luna’s eyes lit up in recognition, her smile becoming a full grin.

“That’s the girl you talked about. She’s rather cute.”

Luna sent her a knowing look, which Clarke returned with slightly narrowed eyes as she spooned the powder into the mugs. The older woman shrugged, not saying more as the kettle whistled, returning to her clipboard of inventory sheets with a smug smile. The blonde shook her head and turned off the kettle, pouring the boiling water into the mugs.

She did have to admit that Lexa was indeed cute, in both personality and appearance. Her eagerness to learn coupled with her adorable blushing was incredibly endearing and it made the blonde want to learn more about the brunette. She was obviously sheltered and uninformed, all due to the failings of the education system, but despite her innocence Lexa seemed to find the topic of sex fascinating, something Clarke was glad to talk with her about.

Stirring the mugs gently until all the powder was dissolved, she took a quick sip of her coffee, humming happily at the strength. Drinks prepared, she padded back into the storefront, eyeing Raven as she went. The older brunette just shrugged as she went to help Luna, leaving her and Lexa alone.

“Here ya go.”

She sent the younger girl a small smile which quickly turned into a full grin when she received a smile in return. Seeing Lexa smile created a warmth in her chest that reminded her of why she’d become a Dom in the first place. The feeling of caring for someone, making them comfortable, then seeing them be happy because of it had always made Clarke unbelievably content.

“So, what’d you-”

Her question was quickly cut off by the reappearance of Luna and Raven, the store manager rambling about new orders. Lexa seemed to shrink into herself at the sudden arrival of new people. Clarke bit her tongue lightly to hold in her irritation. It seemed she’d gotten rather used to talking with Lexa alone, along with having gotten to see the brunette’s more confident side. The side where the questions were endless and her smiles seem to come that much easier.

“Alright, so we’ll be getting our christmas shipments in at the end of the week. The classic sexy santa, reindeer and elf costumes, along with a new strapon called the Rudolph. Its medium sized and lights up red when turned on…. Oh yeah, Clarke, we had someone sign up for the basics in BDSM seminar. Does your uniform still fit?”

She blinked at the sudden question, her coffee halfway to her mouth. After a moment, she smiled. It had been several months since she’d had to put on her ‘uniform’ for the BDSM seminar, which would mean she needed to check if it still fit. She wondered how Lexa would react.

“I don’t know. I’ll go try it on.”

She set her coffee down on the counter, trying her best to contain her grin. Lexa looked at her over her cup with both wide, yet also narrowed eyes that conveyed her worry and suspicion of what this ‘uniform’ could possibly entail. An amazing feat of expression, if Clarke was being honest.

Slipping into the back, she beelined to the rack of laundry bags in the back that contained the assortment of ‘uniforms’ for the selection of seminars that the store provided. Taking the one she needed off the rack, she unzipped the bag and bit her lip to contain her enthusiasm.

Normally, any person who heard the word ‘uniform’ would assume it meant a store shirt, maybe one with a monogram on the chest, but this particular uniform was far from that description. Made from sleek faux leather, the bodysuit was form fitting, and could only be described as sexy. It had been literally made for her when she’d become one of the stores primary lecturers at seminars and classes, so there was no doubt that it flattered her figure.

She chuckled to herself as she quickly changed. Lexa’s eyes would definitely widen when she saw her, she was certain of it, and maybe a blush. They hadn’t particularly talked about mood when it came to sex, mostly about how to be safe as well as the functions of different toys and stuff. Clarke couldn’t say she wasn’t excited to see how Lexa would react to such things.

After zipping up the sides of the heeled boots that came with the outfit, she was finally dressed. She took a moment to admire herself in the full length mirror next to the rack, smoothing out any creases in the leather as she did so. She wouldn’t call herself vain exactly, but she knew she looked good in this outfit and it made her ego swell just that tiny bit. Enough to give her the confidence to essentially strut out of the backroom and lean on the door jam.

“Damn, Griffin. Looking good. Add some red lipstick and people might start passing out.”

She couldn’t help the grin that split her face at Ravens comment. She looked down at herself again. She did indeed look good.

“I know right? My tits look great!”

She exclaimed proudly, looking up to take in the expressions of her coworker and friend, or at least, she hoped Lexa was a friend. Raven was laughing so hard she was clutching her stomach while Luna just shook her head fondly while she continued doing inventory. Lexa’s reaction was the one she was most interested in however, and it didn’t disappoint.  
The brunette had gone a bright cherry red, so red that it almost matched the scarf she’d buried her face into. She felt a little swell of pride at the reaction, but it quickly turned into slight worry when Lexa’s glasses started fogging from how quickly she appeared to be breathing.

“Uh, Lex, you okay?”

She walked over quickly, wincing slightly at the intimidating clicks that her heels made on the linoleum floor. In hindsight, this might have been a bit of an overwhelming introduction to mood. She slowed her movements and softened her steps, keeping her balance on her toes to reduce the clicking.

“You okay?”

She asked again, more quietly this time. A wave of guilt flooded her as she watched the brunette put her mug down with shaky hands. She hadn’t meant to send the poor girl into a panic attack.

“I-I’m fine. A-all good. I just-um… remembered I need to do… something.”

And then she was gone, having rushed out of the store in what Clarke could only describe as panic. Both Raven and Luna sent her questioning looks that she waved off with a frown. She felt guilty, but couldn’t tell if the guilt was from making Lexa flee, or her subsequent feelings of disappointment when Lexa didn’t react how she’d hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap for this chapter! Comments and criticism would be greatly appreciated!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa does research. Of course Anya is rude and interrupts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small warning: there is a brief mention of water sport/urination at the end of the chapter, and while it isn't prominently featured be advised if it makes you uncomfortable.
> 
> As usual we love your feedback and will take any suggestions into consideration!

Lexa had covered the way from the store to her foster parent’s small house so fast, it was as if the devil itself had been hard on her heels. A very blonde devil, dressed to kill, but still. She’d gone as far as taking the stairs that led up to her room two steps at a time, and she still felt winded even though she had been home for quite some time.

She knew her heart slamming against her ribs had little to do with the rush home and much to do with the way and the why she’d left the sex shop in such a hurry. 

Her room was not that big, but Lexa made vigorous use of the available space, covering the ground between the closed door and the far wall in a few strides, before turning back and treading back just as quickly.

She could not sit still, even though she’d tried and wrung her hands in frustration before pressing them to her midriff when her stomach decided it was time for more backflips. 

Lexa balked at the miniature hurricane that seemed to be whipping up her insides to a frenzy, divided between the guilt of having practically fled the store and what she’d felt at seeing Clarke so… so…  _ sensuous. _

Her eyes itched, but she dared not close them for too long as flashes of what she had seen threatened to overwhelm her. She let herself fall on her desk chair and leaned back, eyes going to the ceiling above while she tried to order her thoughts. 

Lexa shivered, suddenly cold, and snatched her scarf from where she had abandoned it on her bed, wrapping it around her shoulders, arms hugging her sides for good measure.

Sometimes she wished she could plaster those “fragile - handle with care” signs people put on packages all over herself, and when her insecurities made her do things that she later regretted she blamed herself for not being tougher.

With a dejected sigh she pushed herself to her desk and flipped her laptop open. The machine sprang back to life with a small whirr and she pulled up her browser, fingers hovering above the keyboard for a few heartbeats as she tried to put her thoughts into an actual query.

Starting at the beginning would probably be best, she mused, as she typed “BDSM” into the search bar, and Wikipedia was as good a place as any.

She had been on the brink of asking Clarke about the collars in the store on more than one occasion now, but had never managed to gather enough courage to actually do it. They came in many shapes and sizes and even the simplest strip of leather held a measure of mystery to her untrained mind. Perhaps because she rarely felt completely and utterly safe, Lexa struggled to understand how someone could cede control of themselves to another person as completely as the collar itself seemed to imply. Seeing Clarke dressed how she imagined a Dom would had pushed all of these questions at the forefront of her mind, and made them more pressing even though she couldn't quite figure out why.

So, she planted her elbows on the desk, and she began to read, resting her chin atop her folded hands. The words on the screen blurred every now and then, as images of Clarke in skin tight leather crossed her mind. 

Her mouth grew dry and she swallowed hard, before clicking through the external resources links. She did not know how it happened exactly, but soon enough she was riffling through the porn side of Tumblr, until she finally found a handful of d/s themed blogs that looked kind of promising.

Most photos were black and white, tasteful for the most part, but Lexa scrolled quickly past the few gifs she came across. She was just starting to get used to the idea that perhaps she was into this kind of stuff at least a little, but she definitely wasn’t ready to see it  _ in motion _ . 

She paused, hand tightening slightly over the mouse, in front of one particular picture. It was a close up of a woman’s throat and, while not much else could be seen, Lexa’s gaze was drawn to the thin band of leather sitting snugly around the person’s neck. 

Her hand went to her own throat and she rubbed it gingerly, wondering how a collar would feel around it. She had seen several in the sex shop, some far more elaborate than the one in the picture, but she thought about a soft one, maybe lined with velvet, being tightened lovingly against her skin by gentle fingers and suddenly she couldn’t gulp down enough air to fill her lungs.

She scrolled down quickly, but the next photo did not help ease her breathing. 

It was a still of two women, one clearly dominant and the other submissive, the first holding a leash connected to the collar worn by the second. 

The sub knelt at her dominant’s feet, meekness but also adoration clear on her face, and the Dom’s hand was in her hair, whether to grab at the locks or stroke them, Lexa could not tell.

She pulled the scarf off her shoulders absentmindedly and flung it on the bed, way too hot all of a sudden to keep it on herself. She could not tear her eyes away and her mind began to wander. Lexa imagined herself, kneeling on the floor much like she had done when she had to hide in the store. Clarke’s hand in her hair had been soothing, but in her mind she was now wearing a collar and when she raised her eyes to meet blue ones she realized the blonde was holding the other end of the leash. 

Heat made her face burn and warmth spread inside her gut making her squirm. Lexa lifted her gaze off the laptop’s screen with effort, just in time to see the door open. 

“Lex? Lex! What are you doing? I’ve been hollering for you to come downstairs for more than five minutes!” Anya walked into the room then stopped in her tracks, concern shadowing her features. 

“You ok?” 

Lexa slammed the laptop shut so hard the case creaked and literally jumped to her feet as Anya approached the desk. 

“Yeah…” she hated herself for stuttering, “uhm….I- I… I’m ok. Yeah.”  

“What were you doing?” 

The look on Anya’s face abandoned concern and veered to suspicion. 

“Nothing! I mean...schoolwork.” 

She glared at Anya then added testily.

“Didn’t they teach you to knock? Did you grow up in a barn?” 

Anya shrugged and grinned, coming around the desk to throw an arm around Lexa’s shoulders, giving her a hug. 

“Orphanage, which is kind of the same thing.” 

She didn’t allow Lexa to get another jibe in and continued, lowering her voice conspiratorially. 

“So, were you watching porn? You can tell me.” 

“Wha---NO!” Kind of. “I wasn’t…” Lexa was very aware of how badly her cheeks were burning, and wished she hadn’t gotten rid of her scarf so readily.

Anya laughed. 

“Look at my little sister growing up.” Anya tugged Lexa off the chair and began to push her towards the bedroom’s door, “you can ‘do more homework’ later. It’s movie night!” 

Lexa groaned inwardly. 

She had been so caught up by the recent events and the wealth of information she had barely started to explore, she had completely forgotten about movie night. It was something they had started to do once it had become apparent their latest foster family seemed like a stable deal. 

Once a week they would watch a movie together, sometimes joined by Gustus and Ryder, and took turns to pick the night’s entertainment. Tonight was Anya’s turn, and knowing her tastes it was either going to be something with a lot of explosions or a horror flick.

Strangely enough, horror movies had helped her with maintaining control a bit. By tacit agreement, Anya stayed away from the heavier, suspense-filled stuff, but, because of the other horror movies they watched, Lexa had actually learned to deal with jump scares, something she would never quite admit out loud, especially to her “I-told-you-so” sibling. 

And she absolutely adored the goofier ones. She had rewatched  _ “Drag Me to Hell”  _ more times than she cared to remember and she enjoyed it thoroughly each time. 

She followed Anya into the living room, their foster parents nowhere to be seen, and was pleased to find her sister had set up snacks for them, including a steaming pot of cocoa for her. 

“Thanks An.” 

She smiled as she poured herself a full cup and settled down on the couch. 

“I expect caviar and champagne next week since you made me do all the work tonight!” 

Anya announced, plopping down next to her.

“You mean popcorn and coke? Sure thing.” 

“Scrooge.” Anya grumbled, reaching for the remote.

“Smartass.” 

They both laughed and Lexa leaned into her sister’s side, resting her head on Anya’s shoulder. Anya was the only person in the world with whom she had no problem letting her walls down. People would probably think it obvious since they were sisters, but that sometimes meant jack all. And these same people had probably never been through the foster care system. Despite not being blood-related, Anya had fought tooth and nail to only be put in a foster house that would take Lexa in as well, and that had meant they had spent a lot of time in glorified orphanages. Yet they had been lucky, finding a home that had welcomed them both. 

She suppressed a small smile as she settled down to watch the movie.

Soon enough they were both engrossed in the story of one Scarlett Marlowe as she ventured into the Paris Catacombs to find the Philosopher’s Stone. Or rather, Anya was engrossed, Lexa couldn’t concentrate on the movie much, itching to get back to her research.

She munched distractedly on a handful of chips and tried to focus on the small crew as they burrowed deeper and deeper underground, but her mind kept going back to collars and leashes, and herself kneeling next to Clarke. 

“ _ Porn. _ ”

The word, lowly whispered in her ear caught her completely by surprise, and Lexa yelped, getting up so fast that the chips she was still holding flew all around the room. She banged her knee on the coffee table and, if not for Anya’s hand pulling her back, she would have toppled over. 

She ended up half laying on her sister’s lap, Anya cackling so madly she was actually bounced and jostled around. 

“Very funny,” Lexa tried to hold a baleful glare, but Anya’s amusement was infectious. They struggled to regain their composure as they resumed their movie.  

“It was kind of bad.” 

An hour later, Lexa stood and stretched, watching the end credits roll by. She emptied the last of the cocoa into her mug. It was lukewarm, but still drinkable. 

“I can’t believe I managed to scare you more than the movie could. Amazing.” 

Anya shut off the TV, then gathered the empty snack bowls while Lexa straightened the couch before trailing her to the kitchen. 

“Come on, the whole premise was silly. I mean everyone knows the Philosopher’s Stone doesn’t exist.” 

Anya dumped the dirty dishes in the sink and turned around, shooting her a mischievous look.

“You mean as non-existent as good porn?”

Lexa rolled her eyes and gave an exasperated huff, deciding to drop the subject before her sister could start asking more embarrassing questions. She was relieved when Anya announced she was headed out to meet with some friends at the gym. It was getting late but Lexa knew there was a big kick-boxing competition coming up, and she knew that Anya had been training more than usual to prepare for it. 

She clambered up to her room and sat quietly for a bit, savoring the fact she had the house all to herself. It didn’t happen often, and she was sure her foster parents would be back soon, so she soaked in the silence. It didn’t hurt that she would have a chance to research without worrying that someone may barge inside her room again. 

Still she left her door ajar, so that she would hear Gustus and Ryder coming back into the house. It was better to be safe than sorry, and besides the mere thought of explaining her research to anyone made her feel hot all over again.

She picked up right where she had left off in a hurry, jumping from a blog to the next and telling herself she should stop and go to sleep when her eyes began to burn a little. She ignored her own sensible advice, realizing with a rueful smile she had fallen down the proverbial rabbit hole. 

Her head drooped forward slightly and she had begun to nod off when the image of a leashed woman, relieving her bladder in stark contrast to the rest of the photogallery, jerked her wide awake. 

“Ugh.” Lexa recoiled, slamming her eyes shut as she scrambled for the home button. After exiting, she carded through the settings hurriedly to erase her history. Not that it helped delete the image that had etched itself into her retinas. 

“UGH.”

She really could not find other words to put it, but, while she was sure others enjoyed it, that part of BDSM was definitely something she didn’t want in her life. It would be better to ask Clarke for a reliable, less shocking source she figured. However, finding the nerve to do that would be a different story altogether.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for anyone interested - the movie Lexa and Anya watch is "As above, so below"


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa goes back to the store to apologize for running

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is me straight up teasing y'all. Enjoy! ~Gilly

The next day, she’d been excited. She was determined to ask Clarke about Doms and Subs today even if it killed her. Her determination fueled her all throughout the school day, making the hours go quickly as her mind was filled with thoughts of collars and fingers carded through hair. However, once she finally made it to the shop after a bus ride and a quick sprint, she paused, her confidence fizzling out.

She bit her lip harshly. She hadn’t exactly left on the best of terms last time, running out when things had gotten too stressful. She began to pace in front of the door, relieved that those inside wouldn’t be able to see her through the blacked out windows. Would Clarke be angry? Or worse, disappointed? She didn’t want to lose one of her only friends so soon after meeting her. Taking a deep breath, she pushed the door open, determined to face the music.

“Lexa!”

An excited voice reached her ears. She tilted her glasses down so she could sort of see over the fogged lenses. A blurry blonde blob was quickly bouncing its way towards her. The happy energy making the brunette smile. Clarke’s excitement at seeing her calmed her nerves a little, and she fought the urge to blush in happiness.

“I am so sorry about yesterday. I wasn’t thinking and I shouldn’t have just pushed that on you cause I know you can get a little overwhelmed and I’m really sorry.”

The older girl babbled, looking every combination of sad and guilty, and it made Lexa’s eyes prickle with happy tears. She’d never realized how much she’d wanted a friend like Clarke. Taking a deep breath, she pulled down her scarf.

“It’s okay, I- um, you looked really good yesterday, and I’m sorry I ran. I just, got a bit flustered.”

She managed to speak without her voice shaking too much, and the relieved smile that stretched across Clarke’s face put a nice warmth in her chest, effectively erasing the blondes sadness and guilt.

“Oh good, I am still really sorry. I thought that maybe I could start teaching you about mood, but I guess I went a little fast.”

Lexa bit her lip. This was the perfect opportunity to ask about Doms and Subs. Her eyes glanced over to the glass case where the collars were housed. Her nerves were suddenly flaring up, making it difficult to speak.

“I-um… Do you maybe want to try again? Slower this time?”

She mumbled, pulling her scarf back up around her face. She couldn’t make her eyes stop looking at the collars, her curiosity getting the better of her. When her gaze returned to Clarke, the blonde was trying to hold in a smile, mirth obvious in her blue eyes.

“I think I know where to start.”

She said knowingly, making a blush burn on Lexa’s cheeks. Busted.

Clarke guided her behind the counter, taking her jacket like she did every day, hanging it up on the row of hooks near the door to the back. The giant dildo was still standing proudly on its stand, so obscenely big that Lexa now found it humorous rather than terrifying. She sat on the stool behind the counter as Clarke padded to the back to retrieve their usual drinks.

Her foot tapped lightly against the stools rungs, trying her best to look anywhere but at the collars. It was a failing battle as she caught sight of some new collars, ones edged cutely with lace and bows, along with some Christmas themed ones with small blinking lights and tinsel. The store must have gotten a new order in.

She jolted up, blushing when a cup of steaming hot cocoa was pushed into her hands. Clarke smiled, taking a sip of her coffee in an attempt to keep it at bay. The blonde leaned back against the counter, eyes twinkling.

“Alright, mood. So, you know that in BDSM there’s a pretty heavy focus on power dynamics. Whether it’s taking control or giving control, a lot of it depends on headspace and the mood of the scene. It doesn’t even have to be sexual. You could say that BDSM is more of a bodily experience that aims to produce certain feelings through a variety of scenarios.”

The blonde sipped her coffee, humming as she thought through her words. Lexa simply sat, enjoying the feeling of the warm mug in her hands and the excited buzz she felt at finally learning what she hadn’t known she wanted to for so long.

“As a rough example, if say, a sub wanted to just not be in control, or wanted to relax and not worry about decisions, the Dom would then try their best to create a scenario or scene where the sub feels like they don’t have to worry, which would be producing the right feelings or mood. Then there’s the opposite. A Dom needs to feel in control, the sub tries to give them that. It’s a relationship of give and take, based on need and trust. Make sense?”

Lexa pursed her lips as she watched Clarke take another sip of her coffee. She understood in theory, but she couldn’t seem to imagine the feelings being described.

“Uh, I guess? I just can’t really imagine what could make someone relax like that.”

Clarke hummed at her statement, eyes narrowing in thought as she tilted her head back. The brunette swallowed as golden hair tumbled off strong shoulders, forcing herself to focus on the half full mug in her hands as a light blush dusted her cheeks.

“I have an idea. Would you be willing to try something?”

‘Try something’ was as vague as it got but Lexa’s heart jumped into her throat in excitement, and she found herself nodding almost too eagerly. There was nervousness too, like a layer of thin ice between her skin and muscles, but Clarke’s presence helped melt it, at least a little.

The blonde smiled, setting down her mug of coffee and motioned for the younger girl to stand up as she crouched to dig out something from one of the many shelves under the counter. Standing, she held a small pillow in her hands. It looked to be one that would normally be put on a couch as decoration, dark fabric and lace around the edges. Lexa raised an eyebrow as she set it on the floor next to the stool.

“Alright, could you kneel on that?”

Her blush was almost instantaneous, her scarf being pulled up to cover the flush that had taken up her whole face and travelled down her neck. Clarke’s eyes widened slightly, obviously afraid that she’d overstepped, but relaxed before she could say anything as the brunette set her mug of cocoa down and awkwardly kneeled. Clarke sat on the stool beside her, chewing her lip as she looked down at her, hand hovering over her head.

“Uh, is it okay if I touch you?”

Lexa flushed harder but nodded, knowing the question wasn’t meant to sound sexual. She silently berated herself for her excessively dirty thoughts, wondering when her mind had decided to abandon shyness since her body was still brimming with it. They were at Clarke’s work for god’s sake.

The blonde’s hand rested on her head, guiding it so the younger girl leaned against her thigh. Lexa blinked, taking in the feeling of warmth against her cheek. She hadn’t realized that when she was kneeling like this, on her knees rather than her usual slumped position when she inevitably ended up hiding under the counter, her head was level with Clarke’s lap. She inhaled without thought and suddenly she was drawing Clarke into her lungs. The blonde smelled of lavender and coffee and another smell underneath she could not quite identify. It reminded Lexa of sunrays bouncing over water.

Warm fingers brushed through her hair, massaged her neck and behind her ears gently. She felt her eyes flutter a little at the sensation, drawing out an involuntary sigh as she began to relax. Her shoulders dropped as Clarke continued her gentle ministrations, the light touches and the rhythmic sounds of the store’s heating system slowing her thoughts down to a quiet murmur at the back of her mind.

“Understand now?”

She hummed in response, eyes closed. She sorta understood now; how Clarke’s warm presence meant she was safe, how her warmth felt nice, how the gentle pressure on her scalp eased any tension she felt. Past that, her mind was too occupied with how relaxed she felt.

“Oh my god, just collar the girl already.”

Raven’s voice cut through her haze, making her eyes snap open and shoulders tense. Raven smirked from where she was peeking out from the door to the back, brow raised in mirth, red jacket over her arm, meaning she’d just arrived. Lexa tried to jerk away, heart suddenly pounding in panic, but Clarke’s hand kept her in place.

“Raven!”

Lexa couldn’t see the expression that the blonde was sending the other girl, but with how Raven’s eyes widened and her teasing smile dropped, it was obviously a terrifying one. The older brunette quickly retreated into the back, leaving the door open slightly. Clarke sighed, frustration obvious in her voice as she continued to gently run her fingers through Lexa’s hair.

“Sorry. I really need to talk to her about just bursting in like that.”

As the blonde continued to scratch her scalp gently, giving her something to focus on, her heartbeat began to slow. She breathed deeply, pushing her cheek just a little bit more into Clarke’s thigh, the warmth making her sigh. She couldn’t help but feel a sliver of happiness at the protectiveness the blonde was showing.

“Want to know more about mood?”

The older girl spoke softly, keeping her voice level and calm.

“Sure, I did a little research on this on my own, but…”

She bit her lip feeling her flush returning. She lifted her head slowly, looking up at the blonde awkwardly.

“I’m pretty sure I need to block at least thirty porn blogs from my tumblr.”

Clarke blinked at her, hand still resting on the brunette’s head before she was laughing, eyes screwed tight in mirth. After a minute of laughing, with no signs of stopping, Lexa brought her arms up onto the blonde’s lap, resting her chin on her folded hands, feeling a happy warmth in her chest. Making Clarke laugh, making Clarke _happy_ , just made that warmth grow.

“Well, Tumblr isn’t exactly the best place for information. Also, if a blog’s called ‘russian-titties’ it’s probably a porn blog.”

Clarke chuckled breathlessly as she wiped tears of laughter from her eyes. Lexa nodded, chuckling as well as she smiled up at the blonde. The warmth in her chest remained as they just sat there, Clarke trying her best to calm herself. Eventually the blonde’s hands returned to her head, carding through her hair absently.

“Some places online can have false information, so to start I’d recommend books and guides and such. There are some great ones on Amazon, plus we have a few hidden in the store somewhere. Also, Fifty Shades is trash and needs to be burned. Remember that.”

Clarke playfully tapped Lexa’s nose lightly, her smile never shrinking.

“I’m getting the vibe that you really dislike Fifty Shades. I have no idea why.”

Lexa smirked, raising an eyebrow as Clarke’s fingers continued to massage her scalp. She resisted the urge to close her eyes, wanting to continue looking at the blonde.

“You bet I do.”

Clarke growled dramatically.

“It's not about a BDSM relationship. It’s straight up abuse, and honestly it shows a lot of the techniques used in sex trafficking. It glamorizes violence against women and in general gives the completely wrong idea about what a BDSM relationship is. LIke, people should definitely be able to express their sexuality, but it should be in a safe, sane and consensual environment!”

Lexa felt a small smile tug at her lips as she listened to Clarke rant. Seeing the blonde so impassioned was a wonderful sight that she wanted to see again. She simply sat, listening to Clarke babble away, shifting only slightly when her legs began to get sore. The pillow was doing wonders for keeping her comfortable, and the warmth of Clarke’s legs was making her relax. As Clarke’s shift neared it’s end, she decided she liked this, leaning against Clarke, the blonde’s fingers toying with her hair. She went home feeling light, the guilt she had at running the day before having evaporated and been replaced with excitement at her new knowledge. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Due to unforeseen circumstances Lexa gets her sex ed lesson from Raven and learns something unexpected. 
> 
> (sorry I suck at summaries - K)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: so here is the new chapter. I am using the opportunity to hound Jess to HURRY THE EFF UP AND WRITE THE THING YOU'RE WORKING ON SO I CAN READ IT!!!  
> \- Gilly
> 
> A/N: So despite Gilly trying to sidetrack me and wanting me to work on my new Alpha!Clarke project here is the new chapter of Ensorcell! Many of you asked for Lexa to interact more with someone other than Clarke, so here you have all the Raven you can handle! And it's quite the handful. Thank to Gilly for their turbo fast, super good editing skills!   
> \- Kendrene
> 
> As usual we love to get feedback so let us know what you think in the comments below!

Lexa exhaled in relief as the coffee shop’s automatic doors slid open and a wall of warm air whooshed out to envelop her, melting the light coating of snow on her shoulders almost instantly. She couldn’t wait to see Clarke at the store, but she had an extra stop to make today.

It had dawned on her that she had been visiting Clarke on a regular basis for almost two weeks now and, while the blonde had always offered her a mug of cocoa, Lexa had never brought anything in return. At first she had thought of getting some special coffee just for Clarke, but it would have been rude to walk into the store and give something only to her. She hadn’t spent nearly as much time with Luna and Raven, but they had been nice to her too (although Raven had a habit of catching Lexa off guard with her jokes) and so she’d figured today was the day she’d bring them a box of doughnuts. 

After all she was learning a ton of new things for free and she wanted to somehow thank them for their time. 

She spent an inordinate amount of minutes picking the doughnuts, struggling to ignore the annoyed eye-rolls of the girl behind the counter and finally settled on Christmas themed ones. They were plain ones, but had green, red and white sugar sprinkles on top. She had wanted to get fancier ones, but didn’t want to risk anyone at the store missing out because of some food allergy she didn’t know about. 

Quest completed, Lexa ventured back outside, quickly walking to the strip mall where the sex shop was. It had thankfully stopped snowing, but the ground was slippery with a greyish mush that squelched noisily under her feet and Lexa slowed down to a crawl, afraid she’d slip and send the box of doughnuts flying. 

She exhaled in relief as she took the steps leading up to the blacked out door of the sex shop, puffing her chest out in pride at having made it without incident. 

Lexa shouldered the door open with  a cheerful “hello” on her lips, but it came out a little weak when she spotted only Raven behind the counter. She faltered, wondering if she had missed Clarke telling her she wouldn’t be in today.

“Geez Lexa, it’s good to see you too!” Raven teased. 

She watched the brunette hike her scarf up to hide her face and shuffle uncertainly, eyes darting around the store. Raven also noticed the box she was clutching, the logo of the nearby coffee shop clearly visible on the lid and immediately started to salivate. Those doughnuts were literally to die for, and she would be damned if she let Lexa leave without helping herself to at least one of them. Plus it had been a slow day so far, Raven was bored out of her mind and she had to admit that she liked having the other girl around, although probably not as much as Clarke did. 

She saw Lexa tether on the edge of leaving, the conflict clear in the way the brunette’s glasses were rapidly fogging up, and spoke hurriedly, before the girl could make up her mind.

“The Blonde Menace isn’t here today,” Lexa inclined her head at the nickname and Raven was relieved to hear a muffled giggle coming from behind the scarf, “but you and your doughnuts are more than welcome to stay!”

Lexa tried unsuccessfully to stifle a snort at Raven’s new nickname for Clarke. She remembered the first time she’d heard something of the like and how she had stared on in puzzlement, until Clarke had explained with tears of mirth in her eyes, that giving weird nicknames to people was one of Raven’s favorite pastimes.

She blushed, flustered by the realization she’d been standing just inside the door, and probably had given Raven the impression she was just gonna leave since Clarke wasn’t in.

She tugged her scarf off her face, her glasses so foggy that the store had dissolved into a vaporous haze and stepped hesitantly up to the counter.

“Actually...I...uhm…” Lexa bit at her lower lip and handed the box to Raven, “i brought these for you guys,” she relaxed slightly as Raven’s smile widened, “to thank you. For…” She gestured helplessly at the space around them, not knowing how to put her thoughts into words.

Raven only nodded, taking the box from Lexa and placing it on the counter.

“That’s sweet, thank you.” She smiled in what she hoped was an encouraging way and was happy to see Lexa relax a little bit.

“Why don’t you take a seat? I’ll go get us something to drink.”

Raven hopped off her stool and disappeared into the back room without waiting for a reply. When she emerged minutes later, with hot cocoa for Lexa and an entire pot of coffee for herself, she found out that the brunette had taken her invitation and was perched on one of the stools, studying the case holding the collars with a faraway look.

Several dirty jokes came to her mind, but Raven discarded them immediately. She still remembered the furious look Clarke had directed at her when she’d barged in on them the last time, and the tirade about boundaries and rudeness that had followed after the brunette had left the store. Raven had gotten quite an earful and it wasn’t an experience she wanted to repeat anytime soon.

She set the mug of cocoa down in front of Lexa without speaking, and the girl startled out of her reverie, her shoulders jerking a little.

“It’s peppermint flavored,” Raven explained when the brunette sniffed at the mug, before taking a careful sip, “figured maybe you’d want something other than plain cocoa once in awhile? But I can make you the regular one if you don’t like it.”

“Oh no it’s perfect,” Lexa smiled into the cup and took a bigger gulp to reassure Raven that she meant her words and wasn’t just being polite.

“So uhm…” she started, just as the silence was beginning to feel a bit awkward, “when you said Clarke isn’t in today….you mean she isn’t coming at all?”

Raven had opened the box of doughnuts and was biting happily on the first one, so her reply came kind of muffled.

“She shickh.”

“Sick?” In the time it took Raven to finish her doughnut, and it was gone in three bites, Lexa’s mind conjured thousands of scenarios about Clarke’s sickness, listing things that went from a simple cold to ebola and the black plague.

Raven swallowed the last bite, chasing it down with a gulp of coffee, then grabbed a second doughnut.

“Yeah. You know she’s got the Crimson Doom, Nature’s Payback Time, the Sea of Pain..”

Lexa raised a hand, mildly horrified.

“Her period. Gotcha.” The brunette stared down at the food, then tore her eyes away, feeling a bit queasy. Eating had become suddenly very unappealing so she took a long sip of cocoa instead. “Raven, that was gross.”

“Sweetie, I don’t sugarcoat.” Raven licked a few colorful sprinkles off her fingers with a wistful sigh and eyed the rest of the food greedily. Lexa followed her gaze with one of surprise, eyebrows quirking upwards. She wondered where the other girl put all that she ate. Raven was lean and athletic-looking and Lexa thought that if she herself ate more than one doughnut at a time she’d end up having to roll home.

“I was hoping we could leave some for Clarke?” She said timidly, staring intently at the countertop.

“Oh no worries,” Raven grabbed another doughnut, “we’ll leave her one or two,” she studied the food intently then grinned, “well....half,” she was watching Lexa from the corner of her eye and saw the brunette worry her lower lip,”a few crumbs?” A splash of red flushed Lexa’s cheeks and Raven snorted, “ok, ok, we’ll leave Clarke the box!”

She leaned forward playfully bumping shoulders with the girl, then put the untouched doughnut back and lowered the box’s lid

Lexa raised her eyes, meeting Raven’s amused gaze. She should have been a bit miffed at the teasing, but the other girl’s grin was contagious and she found herself smiling back. She felt a small ball of warmth gathering in her chest, similar to the fuzzy feeling she felt around Clarke, but different and found herself hoping that Raven would end up becoming her friend too.

“Anyway,” the older girl tapped a finger on the glass of the collars’ case, “you didn’t just hang around to watch me eat my way into a food coma right? I guess you want your sex ed lesson. I am a good teacher too, you know?” She smirked at the red suddenly crowding Lexa’s cheeks, but kept her voice soft and even. Calming, she hoped.

“There is…” Lexa gulped, trying to work some moisture in her mouth, “there is one thing.” It was flattering actually that Raven would want to take some time to teach her and the girl’s willingness fuelled Lexa’s hope for friendship. And maybe a new perspective would allow Lexa to put order into her mind. The books Clarke had told her she should read were helping, but also leaving her with more questions.

“Whatever it is, you can ask. I’ll try my best to answer you.” Raven encouraged.

In an attempt to steady her nerves, Lexa inhaled deeply, fingers tormenting the end of her scarf.

“Well,” she managed finally. “Last time I talked about mood with Clarke,” she braced herself for Raven’s inevitable jibe, shoulders slightly hunched, then, when the other girl stayed silent, Lexa risked a glance in her direction.

Raven’s dark eyes were watching her intently and when she nodded, Lexa felt emboldened enough to continue.  

“As far as I understand there are different kinds of Dom/sub relationships but… I am not quite sure I completely understand how they differ.”

“Uhm,” Raven rubbed her neck, brow creased in thought, “what people look for in these kind of dynamics, well, it’s different for everyone. Take me for example, I’m a sub,” Lexa gave a disbelieving gasp and Raven sniggered - that was a common reaction, “I like surrendering, but only in the bedroom.”

Lexa pondered her words for a while, tugging at her scarf so hard Raven thought it was gonna tear. “But other people don’t...stop there?”

“Exactly,” Raven confirmed, “some people like all of the aspects of their lives to be controlled, or to control those of others. For some it’s not even about sex at all,” she raised a hand to list things off her fingers, “some subs that are referred to as pets like to be treated as…” she racked her brain, then shrugged her shoulders lamely, “pets. They want to wear a leash all the time, but it can get pretty extreme with some liking to sleep in pens or cages.” She read the look of disbelief, and perhaps a touch of fear on Lexa’s face, “it’s all perfectly consensual of course. The Dom or Master and their sub or Pet, they agree on boundaries beforehand.     

Raven allowed a bit of silence to get between them, so that Lexa could reflect on her words before continuing.

“There are more types of BDSM relationships and we can go over them if you’d like, but the important thing you need to remember is that it’s always about consent. If you ever decide you want a Dom,” Lexa’s deep blush was expected and Raven had no doubt that it was most likely what the brunette wanted even if she couldn’t admit it just yet, “remember that you both get to express what you want from the relationship, what you are willing to try. When a Dom and their sub are together for a long time, the Dom may try new things during a scene, because they are confident enough to know which limits they can test and push. That’s also part of the fun, but it’s also the reason for safewords. And when you use your safeword any play has to stop.” 

Raven suddenly found she had to cease her explanations and look away briefly. What had happened to her had not been a breach of agreement per se, and yet it had shredded her ability to trust for a long time. She still had issues with it sometimes.

She was surprised when Lexa’s fingers brushed her forearm gently, green eyes brittle with worry.

“Are you ok? Raven...I...uh… do you wanna talk about it?”

Lexa hated the way her voice trembled with uncertainty. She was scared the older girl would pull away and she felt ill equipped to help with whatever confession Raven decided to share. But there had been a flash of pain in the girl’s dark eyes Lexa could not ignore, a rawness not quite healed and definitely not forgotten.

“My old Dom… I guess you could say I didn’t choose wisely,” Raven shook her head sadly and sighed, “he seemed like a nice guy and he wasn’t a bad Dom, except for the fact our exclusive relationship wasn’t as exclusive as I thought.” She laughed bitterly, “but he’s the reason I’m friends with Clarke.”

“Uh?”

“Well…” Raven paused, wondering if she should tell Lexa this part of the story. Then again, while it was true that Clarke was involved in it, so was she. “Finn. His name was Finn. Everything was going well and then I started working here… it didn’t take long for me and Clarke to realize the same douchebag who was topping me was also leading her on as her sub.”

“Oh.” Lexa wanted to say more, possibly something deep and comforting, but she had no idea how devastating that would feel. Plus she found she had trouble breathing all of a sudden, a hot surge of anger squeezing her throat. Lexa was rarely angry and she was never violent, but she was filled with the urge to hit this Finn guy with a well aimed kick in the nuts for hurting the two girls.

Raven watched Lexa’s eyes darken with anger as what Finn had done registered with the brunette. It was a scary change to be honest and she thought Lexa had way more fire than she herself suspected. She reached out and patted her arm reassuringly.

“It’s ok. And, I mean, the way we dumped him was glorious! Clarke asked him to come meet her here and then we broke up with him together.”

“Good.” Lexa was relieved for them both and smiled at Raven, getting a warm grin in return. They spent the rest of the time talking about lighter topics, like Raven’s passion for everything mechanical and Lexa’s taste in movies.

By the time Lexa left the store to take the bus home it had begun snowing again, but the warmth she’d felt while talking to the older girl lingered around her like an extra jacket and she wasn’t quite as cold as before. Raven had told her that Clarke would probably be back the next day, and she decided she would tell the blonde she knew about Finn. It was only fair and she wanted to make sure that Clarke was ok with her knowing. Lexa felt it was important there were no secrets between them.

And perhaps she could tell the blonde something about her own past in return.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa slowly admits some things to herself, and we finally meet one of her foster fathers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the new chapter! We almost didn't get this done cause my laptop was being a butt and crashing, but we did! This chapter does mention a few different BDSM dynamics, but we don't go into detail, so I encourage anyone who has their interest piqued to go research this stuff themselves. There are plenty of resources online if you dig deep enough, although if you're worried about others judging you, I recommend using incognito window :p ~Gilly

Lexa felt giddy as she huddled on her bed, blankets wrapped around her shoulders while her laptop was propped in front of her, a rerun of some TV show playing on the screen. The journal that Indra had given her was open on her knees with notes about what Raven had said earlier that day scrawled over the first few pages. She couldn’t help but find it fascinating, all the different types of relationships, their dynamics and why people might want to enter them. It interested her to no end, especially the non-sexual elements.

She couldn’t stop thinking about the feeling of calm Clarke had put her in when she’d asked her to kneel and lean against her. She’d felt relaxed, the almost constant knot of anxiety in her stomach easing in a way it never had before. Add in the information Raven had given her, her mind had always gone back to one dynamic in particular.

Raven had described a number of different dynamics, continuously reminding her that there was no way she could talk about every single one and not to take them all at face value. Raven had started with general things, like adding kinkier elements in the bedroom, some amount of power play that didn’t extend past sex. It was something simple and fun with specifically set boundaries, but still required constant communication and trust. She then went on to talk about other dynamics, expanding on pet and age play, and how some people just prefered being in the mindset of an animal or child. Lexa couldn’t really imagine how, other than maybe the sense of comfort that came from it, but the brunette still found herself engrossed while Raven described each dynamic. The one thing her mind kept going back to however was when Raven had said that a BDSM relationship didn’t even need to involve sex.

_“It’s about power exchange more than anything, and a lot of people generally associate that with sex, but it doesn’t have to. Like, BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. In general, all of those terms individually aren’t inherently sexual and BDSM relationships don’t need all of those elements to call your relationship a BDSM one. From my experience, and trust me I have a lot of experience, most couples only have one or two of those elements when they play, hell I know a couple who don’t even have sex. Their relationship is based around the power exchange aspect and it focuses on taking care of each other and making them better as people.”_

Lexa chewed the end of her pen thoughtfully, recalling Ravens words. The explanation had been a bit long and rambly but it had piqued her interest. The thought of being taken care of, of giving up control, had her squirming, and almost feeling a little uncomfortable. She was so used to taking care of herself after years in the foster system, making her own dinner, getting up on her own, making sure she got herself to school on time, the thought of someone else caring for her seemed foreign, however a lesson Indra had given her long ago rang in her mind.

_“If something makes you uncomfortable, ask yourself why. There’s always a reason, even if you don’t know what it is. It could be your gut telling you about danger you’re yet to be aware of, or that you want something but are denying yourself because of some preconceived notions. Examine the feeling closely, because you never know what could come of it.”_

She swallowed thickly as her eyes scanned the lines of her handwriting, rereading the words over and over again. She couldn’t deny that the feelings of kneeling next to Clarke had been pleasant, relaxing, and the feeling of safety… her mind seemed to turn with a click. She wanted to feel safe and kneeling next to Clarke while the blonde massaged her head, had given her that. She hovered her pen over a clear section of the page, hesitant to put her thoughts down, feeling the coil of anxiety in her stomach jolt. These thoughts were new and terrifying, making her hand shake as she held the pen.

She was saved from doing anything further when a gentle knock came through her door. She put her pen in the binding of her book, shutting and hiding it quickly before pulling her laptop onto her lap.

“Um, come in?” Her door creaked open, letting her see the bearded face of one of her foster father’s, Ryder. Behind him, her other foster father Gustus, waved before moving further down the hall. She managed a small smile before focusing on Ryder, who had moved further into her room. He was a large man and rather intimidating until you got to know him. When she and Anya had first been placed in their home when she was fourteen, she’d been terrified of both Gustus and Ryder, that is until she learned they were both like giant teddy bears. The two men had done all they could to make her and Anya feel welcome, making them pancakes for their first dinner in their new home, despite the two sisters only ever having it as a breakfast food. That first night had felt magical, and it was then that Lexa had known that Gustus and Ryder were the ones they would be staying with.

“Is it alright if I sit down?” She blinked at Ryders question before nodding, a small smile tugging at her lips. The two men had always been respectful of her boundaries, always asking if it was alright to come in or sit down. In other homes, the foster parents would do as they pleased, making Lexa feel trapped and powerless in her own room, in her own space, so she was grateful that her foster fathers were so mindful.

“Um, I wanted to talk to you about where you’ve been going after school.” At that she felt her heart drop. Her mouth went dry as he continued, trying his best to sound calm and unjudging, but she could still hear the edge of worry in his voice. The concern he, and Gustus as well if his small wave hadn’t given it away, was showing made her stomach twist uncomfortably. The last thing she ever wanted to do was worry them, or make them think she was doing something bad, which her and Anya’s case worker would blame them for, which she would never want to happen. She felt her throat closing as her thoughts spiralled. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to calm down. She’d known she wouldn’t have been able to keep the sex shop a secret forever, she just hadn’t expected need to explain it so soon.

“Okay…” She managed to croak. Ryder gave her a soft smile, the corners of his eyes crinkling in concern.

“Well, for the last while, you’ve been coming home later, and you went to see Indra over the weekend, which you rarely do, so Gustus and I were wondering what’s up.” She felt a blush crawling up the back of her neck and over her cheeks at his words. She pulled the blankets closer around herself, stalling so she could organize her thoughts.

“Um, well, I’ve been sort of…” She mumbled, not looking her foster father in the eye. She wasn’t sure how he’d react to hearing about her spending her time in a sex shop, but she knew it wasn’t something she could skirt around. The two men were very protective of her and Anya, and while not overbearing, they prefered knowing their general whereabouts should something come up, so she couldn’t just leave out where she’d been going. “I… um… have been talking with some people…” She managed to stutter out. Ryder simply waited patiently, raising an eyebrow at her nervousness. She took a deep breath before rushing forward. “I met someone that works at this sex shop and she’s really nice and funny and I didn’t mean to worry you.”

Ryder blinked, both brows raised as she hid her face in the blankets. She waited a few moments before peeking out from under the blankets, her blush still in full force. The man watched her calmly, leaning forward slightly, balancing with his hands on his thighs. “So, you met someone… in a sex shop, and you’ve been talking with…?”

He paused, obviously hoping she’ll continue. “Clarke, her name is Clarke.” She whispered from behind the blankets, but he nodded, having heard her in the quiet room.

“Clarke. You’ve been spending time with this Clarke. Well, at least you’re not doing drugs or having unsafe sex… you’re not doing drugs or having unsafe sex, are you?” His brow furrowed as he tilted his head dramatically, drawing a snort of laughter from his foster daughter.

“No, no, you don’t have to worry about that.” She felt her anxiety ease as she laughed, a new sort of lightness replacing the unease in her chest. It was a bit ironic that he was joking about unsafe sex, considering after having met Clarke, it was much less likely that she would be unsafe when it came to sex should it ever happen, and somehow she found that hilarious. “I promise I’m not doing anything bad, and neither is Clarke. She’s really nice.”

Ryder nodded, his beard shifting to accommodate his smile. “Well, if it’s alright with you, would you invite Clarke to dinner? I’d like to meet her if she has you this happy, and I’m sure Gustus would as well.” Lexa felt a new blush forming on her face. Ryder made it sound like she and Clarke were dating, and if she didn’t know that it was impossible, she would have sworn that she had steam coming from her ears.

“I, um… Sure.” She stuttered out her response, knowing she wouldn’t be able to respond any other way. The thought of asking Clarke to dinner was daunting and more than a little bit anxiety inducing. She’d only ever spent time with her in the shop, a place with rules and structure, and suddenly changing that, to Lexa’s own home no less, made her throat close.

Sensing her distress, Ryder passed her the water bottle she kept on her desk, which she drank from gratefully. “You don’t have to do it immediately, but soon okay? Before Christmas really hits and people are busy.” She nodded as she fiddled with the lid of the water bottle. It was late November now, almost December, so that gave her maybe a week or two to ask. The thought of asking still made her anxious, but knowing she had time made it a little bit easier.

“Okay, I will.” She confirmed again, making eye contact to show that she really would, even if she was terrified. Ryder nodded, his smile still on his face, before standing with a groan.

“Alrighty, dinner will be in an hour, so come down stairs soon to help set the table. Also, don’t worry about telling Gustus any of this, I’ll do it.” She let out a sigh, loving how Ryder knew her so well. She had enough trouble saying it once, so not having to do it again was a blessing. She crawled out from under her blankets, kneeling on her bed so she was tall enough to give the large man a hug. Ryder wrapped his arms around her instantly, patting her back and humming happily. It had taken a long time for all of them, her, Anya and their foster fathers, to become comfortable with giving physical affection to each other, so when it happened, it just reminded them all how lucky they were to all be together. She loosened her grip when Ryder patted her back, smiling a bit when he murmured “love you, kiddo” as he drew away.

She watched as he left her room, shutting her door softly behind him. Now alone with her thoughts, she swallowed thickly as she glanced at the pillow that hid her journal. She shook herself, taking the journal from its hiding place and putting it on her bookshelf. She really didn’t think she could continue where she’d left off, her mind much too full of anxious thoughts about asking Clarke to dinner. She would try sorting through her feelings another time, when she didn’t feel like her insides were doing gymnastics. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feed back and comments are always welcome, and if people have any questions we'll do our best to answer them. If we can't we'll also do our best to direct you to people and resources who can :p


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke learns a bit more about Lexa, and Christmas takes over the store. Featuring: Raven and edible underwear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I am on posting duty today! I think I talk on behalf of Gilly too when I say that we are very thankful for the support and feedback we are getting on the fic. It means a lot for both of us! 
> 
> So thanks, for the comments and kudos you leave us. We hope you enjoy the chapter!
> 
> \- K

Lexa dragged her feet up the store’s front steps, a familiar leaden feeling gathering at the bottom of her stomach. It had started the day after her talk with Ryder and had only grown as the days went by, while she mulled over the best way to ask Clarke to come to dinner. She was starting to think there wasn’t a best way, since everything she had thought of saying sounded kind of shallow in her mind.

She wouldn’t call it dread exactly, more like the sort of excited fear that twisted her stomach whenever she looked forward to something that could potentially end in disaster. On one hand she was scared her foster parents would bombard Clarke with third degree level interrogation questions, and she was equally terrified that the blonde would decline the invite. Not even talking about the whole deal with Indra had helped cut through the Gordian knot that had tightened around her stomach. The therapist had simply suggested she talk about it with Clarke, cautioning that waiting too long would only made the outcome worse in her head.

She pushed the store’s door open with a weary sigh, knowing she would have to ask soon. November was almost over and she needed to let Clarke know about the dinner before the holidays drowned everyone in family gatherings and other commitments.

“Hey Lexa!” Clarke greeted as soon as she stepped inside. Lexa frowned towards the empty counter, then turned to find the blonde perched precariously on a tall ladder, arms outstretched overhead to straighten a row of Christmas lights.

“It’s “deck out the store for Christmas day” today!” Clarke winked down at her cheerfully, “wanna help out?”

Lexa nodded mutely, shrugging off her coat and scarf to hang them in the usual spot. She immediately missed the feeling of the wool against her throat, but it was hotter than usual inside and if she kept the scarf on she would start to sweat, especially if helping Clarke also included climbing up ladders.

“Ok then!” Having fixed the lights, Clarke scrambled off the ladder, and gently took Lexa by the elbow, guiding her towards the unadorned Christmas tree that stood proudly in the opposite corner of the store. The shop wasn’t that big so they had to make do with a small tree, but all the employees took pleasure in taking turns decorating it, changing how it looked a few times over the holiday season. The blonde hoped that having Lexa help with it would distract the other girl from whatever thoughts she had noticed bothering the brunette for the last couple of days.

She wanted to ask if Lexa had been bothered by the bullies at school, but their friendship was still so new that she wasn’t quite sure where the boundaries lay. But perhaps it was something altogether different, she mused. The brunette didn’t look scared or particularly tense, simply... _pensive_. Her smiles were rarer and dawned on her face slower than usual, and Clarke had the distinct impression that Lexa’s deep green eyes took a faraway look whenever they rested on her. She decided that she’d try to distract the girl and maybe inquire gently about her mood.

“So you can help me with the tree,” Clarke bent down and flipped open the lid of a box holding the store’s ornaments, “then we got a new shipment in…” she eyed a stack of cartons reaching almost as high as the counter, “more Christmas themed stuff.” She walked to one of the boxes that Raven had opened to check the merchandise, lifting a colorful package and waving it around as proof, “I know it’s not the usual kind of lesson…”

“Oh no I don’t mind helping,” Lexa reassured with a genuine smile. She really didn’t mind. Doing something with her hands would give her a chance to order her thoughts and perhaps she’d manage to ask Clarke about the dinner before she had to go home. “Wait,” she added when Clarke shook the package dangerously close to her nose, “is that...edible underwear?” She felt her cheeks heat up as soon as the words were out of her mouth, and dearly regretted leaving her scarf on the coat hanger, “I mean...that...that’s a thing?”

“Oh yeah,” Clarke shook her head, looking at the box, “not my thing but people go crazy over these,” she turned the package over to read the label, “oh boy. Candy cane flavor.”

“De ghinher bred uns ar delish!” Raven’s muffled voice came from the back, right before the brunette appeared, munching happily on a thong. Lexa burst out laughing at the sight, her worries over the dinner invite momentarily forgotten. Clarke planted her fists on her hips and glared.

“What?”Raven gulped down the last shred of edible undies and smirked, “you told me to do quality control!”

“That didn’t mean eating the merchandise!” Clarke retorted, trying to sound stern. Lexa wasn’t fooled - she could see the blonde struggling not to laugh.

“So,” she interjected, “what other flavors do these come in?”

“Oh!” Raven picked more packages out of the shipping box, as gleefully as a kid opening presents on Christmas morning, “we got cinnamon, eggnog,” at that Lexa made a face, “and, oh you’ll like this one Lexa,” Raven lifted one particular package triumphantly, “chocomint!”

She picked a fluo green pair of boxers out of the package and held them up for Lexa to see. “Wanna taste?”

“Uh… thanks. No thanks.” She held up her hands and took a few hurried steps backwards, pointing at the bare tree, “I think I’ll just decorate if you don’t mind.”

Lexa’s cheeks were flushing so hard she felt her skin tingle, so she crouched next to the ornament box and pretended to examine the items within, waiting for the blood to drain away from her face. She smiled ruefully to herself, doubting that she’ll ever get completely used to Raven’s flamboyant ways. Still she felt kind of proud since not so long before that kind of joke would have sent her running from the shop in panic.

Clarke crouched next to her and the sifted through the box’s contents in companionable silence, well as much of it as they could have with Raven singing off tune Christmas carols from the back of the store.

“She gets really, really excited over Christmas.” Clarke explained apologetically as they began to hang the ornaments. Lexa bit her lip in thought. She remembered she had promised herself that she would tell Clarke something of her past and knew she’d have to bring up the fact that she knew about Finn at some point. She felt her stomach twist into knots, and her hands started to shake so badly it took her three times to put the angel she’d been holding on the tree. The brunette took a deep, steadying breath. One thing at a time was best perhaps.

“I was never much into Christmas,” she started, feeling the weight of Clarke’s intense gaze on herself, “you know… I guess it comes with being a foster kid.” She expected the blonde to make sympathetic noises or utter the dreaded “I know how it feels” spiel, but when she glanced at Clarke she saw only the utmost attention filling her blue eyes, as if every part of her being, down to the smallest cell, was concentrated on hearing Lexa’s story.

“We never knew where we’d be, you know? How long a family would last, so I guess the holidays were not something we particularly looked forward to. Some families were not that great, others were good, and...well you try not to get too attached to good things when you know they could be gone tomorrow.”

“We?”

“Yeah, me and my sister Anya.” Lexa felt a sudden wave of shame. She really hadn’t told Clarke much about herself. How could she expect the blonde to simply accept an invite to dinner? Indra’s voice echoed through her mind, telling her all she had to do was ask. Right.

“It...it’s different now with our current foster parents, Gustus and Ryder. They...we… uh…”

Clarke placed a gentle hand on Lexa’s arm, rubbing small circles on her forearm as she watched her struggle with her words. She had a hunch that Lexa was about to ask her something and she wondered what it could be to stress her out enough to lose her words.

“Take your time, ok?”

She ached to pull the brunette into a hug, but held back, hoping that her touch on Lexa’s arms was reassurance enough that whatever the girl was about to say she wouldn’t judge. She wasn’t really surprised about the foster kid part, having already guessed there must be a reason for Lexa to be so shy and reserved, but her heart hurt regardless at the thought Lexa and her sister had to grow up without a stable family around them.

“It’s about my parents… They kinda figured out where I was coming after school and uhm...I told them I have been talking to you and...and they want to meet you? Like they said you should come over for dinner...I…”

“It’s ok. I’d be happy to come to dinner.” Clarke saw relief flood Lexa’s features and her eyes brighten to a lively green that reminded her of summer. Or mistletoe.

She liked Lexa and hoped their friendship would continue outside of the store, and this seemed like a good chance to start on that. Clarke also understood her foster parents’ concern. She guessed she’d want to meet the _girl from the sex shop_ too if she was in their shoes.  

“When is the dinner gonna happen?” Clarke asked.

“Uhm. They didn’t give me a date. Wanted to know if you’d come first. Can I...can I have your phone number? So I can let you know.”

“WHAT?” Raven shouted in fake outrage. They had been so absorbed in their conversation that they hadn’t noticed she’d walked back to the counter with an armful of paperwork. When she was sure she had their full attention she dropped the sheets on the countertop theatrically.

“You have basically known each other for two weeks now and haven’t exchanged phone numbers _yet_? This slowburn is so slow it’s goddam frozen!”

That sent them both sputtering, then Clarke grabbed a Christmas bauble made out of cloth and chucked it in Raven’s direction. The other girl dodged nimbly then retreated into the back, bent double with laughter while the other two blushed and studiously avoided looking at one another.

Once alone Clarke and Lexa went back to adorning the tree and once they were done, the green branches decked in a riot of red and gold, they smiled at each other.

“It’s getting late,” Lexa stood, blushing again when her hand accidentally brushed against Clarke’s as she pushed herself off the floor. They had been sitting side by side to adjust the lights around the tree’s bottom. “I should get going.” Ryder and Gustus hadn’t objected to her visiting the store, but she didn’t want to push her luck or make them worry by being home too late. They were lenient, but there were limits, and she respected both of them too much to make them worry needlessly.

“I am glad you will come to dinner,” Lexa cleared her throat, “are you sure? I mean, if it’s too imposing for you…” she trailed off, shuffling awkwardly in place.

“Not at all.” Clarke smiled and it seemed to brighten the room, “I look forward to it.” She accompanied Lexa to the door and helped her with her coat. They said goodbye, both lingering with the door open, neither willing to be the first one to turn away, until Raven yelled about the pneumonia inducing drafts they were letting into the store.

Lexa walked home quickly, heart hammering away against her ribs, and she felt a bit like an anvil under the blacksmith’s unrelenting hammer. The asking part had gone better than she had anticipated. Now she just had to figure out a way to survive until the actual dinner.  


	11. chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the Dinner begins!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's the new chapter! I have a quick question for some peeps (preferably the peeps who have more experience in the BDSM department), do you think BDSM has to be sexual? My roommate and I had a rather intense debate about this and we couldn't come to a consensus. I personally think it doesn't have to considering there are tons of elements of BDSM that don't have to be in a sexual context, while he was adamant that BDSM in itself is sexual. But I only have so much experience with these things, so I'm asking the readers who know more about this stuff :p

Lexa paced the length of her room, her teeth worrying her lip. It had been a week since she’d asked Clarke to come over for dinner and the time seemed to have simply disappeared, rushing forward until the set evening had arrived. It could have been the fact that they had been texting almost nonstop since they’d exchanged numbers, only pausing for when Lexa was in class or when they were sleeping.

Their conversations seemed to come just as easily over text as they did in person, discussing things from Lexa’s schooling and Clarke’s work, to favourite movies and pastimes. She’d discovered that the blonde was consistent in her playfulness, lightly teasing and using an abundance of emoticons to convey her emotions. The constant communication made her days easier, made her less impatient for school to be over as she didn’t have to wait to hear from the older girl.

However, as she paced, she glanced at her phone, anxiety spiking. She was nervous for the dinner. More than nervous actually. Her mind was cycling through all the things that could go wrong, making her anxious, and normally when she was anxious she would text Clarke, but she didn’t want to text Clarke in case her anxiousness made Clarke’s anxious, which would in turn make her anxious. Thus, she didn’t text, and the cycle continued.

She’d tried to distract herself by attempting to choose an outfit to wear, but it had ended with her simply pacing, her normal outfit of jeans and button up, the only thing she could think to wear.

She wished Anya had stayed for a bit longer. Her sister had decided to go out with friends to try and reduce the awkwardness of the evening, which Lexa was grateful for, but she also wished she’d stayed to help her make a decision. Anya had always been the more decisive of them both, so her no nonsense attitude would have been a blessing.

She glanced at the clock on her desk, the screen blinking out that it was almost time for Clarke to arrive. She felt her stomach twisting and knotting, and tried to think of happy thoughts. Indra had said she was proud of Lexa for continuing to build her relationship with Clarke. That it was good that she was making friends and becoming more comfortable. While those words had made her feel happy in the moment, they didn’t do much now, as she was still terrified of how her parents would react.

She knew Clarke was a good person. She was funny and kind and caring, but Lexa was afraid that Gustus and Ryder would take her job at face value and simply write her off, thinking her a delinquent. It was an irrational thought, she knew, as her foster fathers were open minded people, but that didn’t stop the anxiety that bubbled within her.

Her anxiety wasn’t rational. It was overwhelming and uncomfortable, and she hated it with a burning passion. It made her feel horrible, and she knew she was missing out on so many things the world had to offer because of it, which just made her feel worse.

Sighing, she plopped down on the bed, wringing her hands while her leg bounced rapidly up and down. She didn’t know how to occupy herself until Clarke arrived. She’d already finished her school work at the shop, as they’d had more time than usual with it being a friday. Raven had proven herself to be surprisingly good at math, breezing through the questions and giving step by step explanations with amazing clarity. While that had made her understand her homework more, it now left her with absolutely nothing to do to distract herself.

Flopping backwards, she flung an arm over her eyes, sliding her glasses up onto her forehead, mind wandering to her time in the shop that day. Her homework had been finished quickly, so that had left them with plenty of time for lessons. Somehow, they had started a conversation on why people would want to try BDSM, something Lexa had found fascinating, but also nerve wracking.

Clark had told of her own experiences. Of how she and her girlfriend from highschool, Nylah, had discovered BDSM together through the internet and looked into it. It was something that had just initially piqued their interest, but they’d both quickly discovered that they enjoyed it immensely. Clarke had discovered her love of being a Dom, of taking care of and nurturing people, because of that relationship, and while it hadn’t worked out between her and Nylah, they were still friends.

“BDSM let me discover parts of myself I wasn’t aware of and I think that really helped me. I mean, high school’s a bitch as is, and people expect you to discover yourself, figure out who you are and what you want to do, when you’re there? Yeah, that definitely didn’t happen.”

She’d laughed along with Raven at Clarke’s words, but they’d hit a little closer to home than she’d like to admit, and hearing that Clarke had gone through the same thing eased a tightness in her chest that she’d never been aware of. It reassured Lexa that someone who seemed so put together now had been just as confused as she was at this stage in life.

Sighing, she rolled onto her side, curling up as she grabbed a pillow and hugged it to her chest. She resisted the urge to scream into the fabric, knowing that it wouldn’t help her situation. She heaved another sigh just as her phone buzzed, making her jump, a small squeak escaping her mouth. She stayed on her side for a moment, clutching the pillow until her rapidly beating heart slowed. Once she felt like she wasn’t going to panic, she reached over to her side table and grabbed her phone.

She squinted at the screen, her glasses still on her forehead. She sighed when she read Anya’s name on the notification. She felt a little guilt at the stab of disappointment she felt. She’d had the slight hope that it was Clarke who had texted.

Sliding her thumb over the screen she unlocked her phone, wondering what Anya was messaging her about. They’d set up their own personal groupchat, even if it was just the two of them. It made their communication that much more personal.

_[Sasster] Hey Nerd, how ya holdin up? Feeling anxious at all?_

She smiled. Anya always seemed to know when something would make her anxious.

_[Smol Nerd] I might be a bit nervous. Only a bit._

She typed her reply quickly, her fingers shaking a little. She rolled back onto the bed, putting the pillow in her lap as she watched the small bubble signaling Anya was typing.

_[Sasster] It’ll be fine. Now show me what you’re wearing. We need to make you look cute._

Lexa bit her lip, holding in a full blown grin. Anya just seemed to know what she needed to hear to calm down. She didn’t poke or prod about her feelings, she simply redirected Lexa’s attention until she was calm, something that she was eternally grateful for.

She hopped off the bed and made her way to her closet where a full length mirror hung. She quickly snapped a photo, sticking her tongue out teasingly, and sent it off.

_[Sasster] Hmm put on one of your sweater vests. You’re a nerd, add that and you’ll be a cute nerd. ;)_

Lexa breathed out a laugh as she dug through her closet, looking for a vest that matched her button up. She decided on a darker one, a navy blue patterned with grey diamonds. She snapped another picture to Anya, this time with an over exaggerated questioning expression.

_[Sasster] Perfect. My little nerd all grown up._

Lexa repressed a snorted as she sat back on her bed, suddenly feeling the urge to fidget.

_[Smol Nerd] So what are you and your friends up to?_

She typed the question in hopes of keeping the conversation going. She knew if she was allowed to sink back into her own thoughts her anxiety would spike again. She looked down when her phone gave a soft ping, showing a picture of Anya and her friends Echo and Tris at the gym, all of them sticking their tongues out at the camera.

_[Sasster] We’re workin it. Gotta be in shape for the next tournament._

Another picture quickly followed after the first, showing Echo and Tris putting on boxing gloves. She didn’t type any more messages, simply watching as her sister sent picture after picture, some obviously posed and others candid. She became so engrossed with the stream of pictures that she almost yelped when the doorbell rang.

Her heart now pounding, she typed out a quick goodbye message before sprinting downstairs. She darted past the door to the kitchen, catching a quick glance of Gustus and Ryder as they finished cooking, and slid on the hardwood until she was at the front door. Swallowing, she took a quick look through the peephole, blushing slightly at the sight of Clarke standing on her doorstep. She took a moment to look at her, taking in the blonde’s calm and relaxed posture.

Stepping back, she took a deep calming breath before opening the door, an awkward smile on her face. Clarke seemed to light up as the younger girl appeared, a grin quickly gracing her features. “Hey, how’s it going?”

“I- um, good. Things are good.” Lexa tried to stutter out a response as she kicked away the shoes that blocked the door to clear a path for the blonde, internally cursing as she felt anxiety tighten the knot in her stomach. They fell into silence as she hovered near the wall, hands clasped behind her back. She swallowed as she took in the blonde’s attire while she slipped off her shoes. She was so used to seeing her in jeans and graphic t shirts, it was a bit of a jolt to see her in slacks and a dress shirt. A leather jacket completed the outfit, making Lexa’s mouth go dry.

“Um, I can take your jacket if you want?” She twisted her fingers anxiously, unsure of what to do. Gustus and Ryder had had people over before, but she’d never been made to attend, or even interact with them if she didn’t want to. But Clarke was her guest, so she had to stay and she honestly had no idea what she was doing.

“Sure, thanks. Also, I brought this.” Clarke held out a package, her smile stretching a little bit wider. Lexa took the package, the brown paper making crinkling sounds under her hands.

“Um, thank you.” She held in a blush as she played with the twine that tied it shut while Clarke shrugged off her jacket. Once the jacket was hung up and put away, the brunette led the way to the kitchen, her steps shuffling as her anxiety spiked.

Clarke was going to meet her parents. Her parents were going to meet Clarke. She had no idea how anyone was going to react. She had no control over the situation and it terrified her.

“Um, Clarke’s here.” She managed to say without stuttering. She felt her throat close as Gustus and Ryder turned. She had the distinct feeling of being like a deer caught in the glare of some headlights until they both softened, small smiles peaking through their beards.

She breathed deeply, trying to calm her pounding heart, as Clarke and her foster father's exchanged pleasantries, shaking hands and such. She busied herself by setting the package on the counter and going to grab plates to set the table. Quick glances across the kitchen told her things seemed to be going fine so far. It was a good sign, but she couldn’t shake the thought that the night was still young and anything could go wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And next chapter the actual dinner!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the dinner actually begins. Things get awkward to say the least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now it actually begins rather than the tease of it I wrote last week :P ~Gilly

“Thank you for having me over Mr. ...” Clarke paused, unable to remember if Lexa had mentioned her foster parents’ surnames.

“Forrester.” The man smiled shaking her hand, “but please, call me Ryder.” His handshake was strong, but not overbearing and the smile that flashed through his thick beard was genuine.

“This is my husband, Gustus.” He gestured towards the other man, then tugged him away from the stove with an exasperated sigh, “you can leave the roast alone for two minutes, and come say hello.”

“Alright, alright. But if I burn something it’ll be on your head!” Lexa’s other foster dad exclaimed dramatically. They were both smiling at her and Clarke was grateful they were trying to set up an easygoing atmosphere. She’d tried to hide the fact that she felt a bit uneasy, not at the dinner itself or at meeting Lexa’s family, but at the kind of reaction she was bound to get when her job invariably came up in conversation. It already had in her absence, since Lexa had already told her parents where they’d met, and some time had passed since then. Perhaps that had given them time to digest the news, and she could hope that they were as open minded as they seemed to be at first glance.

In her experience people tended to have a skewed idea of sex shops and what exactly went on inside them thanks to pop-culture and bad movies. Even some of her acquaintances from high school had thought that her working in one basically meant she gave blowjobs under the counter. That had been her male friends, the girls had let out uneasy giggles and changed subject quickly, obviously ashamed of her by association.

“Gustus likes to exaggerate,” Ryder said with a laugh, “he never burns anything.”

“Just because I am a chef doesn’t mean I’ve never had an oven catch fire on me.” Gustus grumbled, turning his attention back to the pots steaming away on the stove.

Ryder winked at Clarke and whispered, “he’s a drama queen.” The blonde struggled to hold back a snort and his smile broadened, then he said in a normal voice, “why don’t you go into the dining room and keep Lexa company while she sets the table? And...Lexa,” he glanced over Clarke’s shoulder and the blonde turned, following his gaze, to find the brunette struggling with an armful of dishes and cutlery, “I see Clarke has brought something, open it up while we finish with the cooking?”

“Uh-uh,” Lexa nodded, almost dropping a plate, then Clarke was next to her, taking some of the burden from her arms.

“You shouldn’t have,” Lexa stammered as she lead the way into the dining room, “you’re the guest. You’re not supposed to help.”

“What if I want to?”

Lexa opened her mouth, then closed it not quite sure how to reply. She knew that Clarke was kindhearted and helpful, but so far she’d only seen it inside the store and a part of her had thought that perhaps it was a bit of a facade. She rarely had people over, that was to say her own guests, and the few times Anya had had a classmate over they hadn’t lifted a finger to help, or brought a present.

It took way less time to set the table with Clarke helping and Lexa couldn’t help but share a smile with the blonde when they stood side by side to appraise their work. Her stomach had settled a little and, while she didn’t feel overly confident about how the evening would go, she had to admit this was a good start.

“So what did Clarke bring?” Ryder asked cheerfully as he walked into the dining room, holding a salad bowl full of steamed vegetables.

Lexa had been unconsciously inching closer to Clarke, feeling comforted by the nearness and she jerked back with a furious blush when she heard Ryder call out behind her back. Sure, she had only wanted to feel a shred of the safety she experienced when she knelt under the counter, Clarke’s fingers massaging her scalp or ruffling her hair softly, but the last thing she needed was her foster parents thinking that she and Clarke were more than friends.

Her heart missed a beat and she swallowed hard, grabbing for the present she had dropped on one of the chairs as she set the plates down.

Lexa busied herself with the strings holding the package shut, trying to keep an unobtrusive eye on Ryder who had been joined by Gustus, both of them watching her. She thought she saw a knowing look dart between them, but she was too flustered by her inability to untie the string to care.

She felt herself grow flustered, but finally she managed to undo the knot and the brown paper that had been concealing Clarke’s gift fell away.

“It’s cocoa!” She exclaimed, holding the metal container up triumphantly. Lexa had always loved chocolate and hot chocolate in particular, loving the way it would warm her up on cold winter nights, and Clarke had gotten her a specialty one that was made in the next town over. Lexa had always wanted to try it, but the stores she could reach on her own didn’t carry it. “Thank you!”

“Happy you like it,” Clarke replied with a warm smile. She was delighted to see the way Lexa’s face had lit up at discovering the gift, and how the small line that was always grooved between her eyebrows disappeared for a moment. The brunette looked more relaxed and unburdened, her mesmerizing green eyes, even brighter than they were when she asked Clarke questions at the store. The blonde hoped that she would see Lexa this way more often,

“Shall we sit?” Gustus motioned them to pick a chair and Clarke took the one on Lexa’s right, earning a small smile from the man. The blonde took her first real look at what they had laid out on the table and her mouth watered a bit at the sight of a well done roast, already cut into slices so that they could serve themselves. Next to the serving plate with the meat was a bowl full of mashed potatoes and then the veggies that Ryder had brought to the table.

“Wow, I haven’t had a roast in a long time.” Clarke said, enjoying the delicious smell wafting up her nose.

“Oh?” Gustus motioned her to take food first, and she readily obliged, stomach grumbling. She motioned for Lexa to lift her plate and shoveled some roast for her too, earning a stammered thanks and a blush from the brunette, and another smile from Gustus. She hoped it meant she was making a good impression. Lexa was old enough to choose her friends and who to spend her time with, within reason, but if her parents didn’t like Clarke they could make things difficult.

“Is it bad if I admit my only attempt ended in a lot of smoke and the fire department almost breaking my door down?” she replied as she cut up her meat, “my dad used to make it for me and mom on special occasions. He...is gone now, and she had not that much time to cook, being a doctor.” She feared they would ask more about her father, but something in her tone must have given away that it was a touchy subject, because Gustus changed topics swiftly.

“Take as much as you’d like,” he poured himself some water, taking a sip, “so...uh...what is it exactly that you do? Lexa had not been very specific.” He stiffened slightly, and Clarke could have sworn that Ryder had just elbowed his husband in the ribs.

“Well I work in education,” she was aware of Lexa’s puzzled look, and elaborated, “most days I work as a cashier at the store, but we are trying to raise awareness regarding safe sex practices…” she heard a small noise coming from Lexa so soft she thought she had imagined it, but when she glanced at the brunette her face was gradually turning crimson, “and consent and other stuff,” she hurried on to finish.

“And..uhm...what have you been teaching Lexa exactly?” Gustus leaned forward intently, and this time Clarke was absolutely certain that Ryder had elbowed him, because the man flinched. And it was kinda weird to see someone so big, hunch a bit that way, trying to mask a flash of pain. Ryder must have real sharp elbows, she thought and almost let out a snigger.

One look at Lexa told her that her friend was mortified, even though she was trying to soldier on. Her food lay barely touched on her plate and Clarke glimpsed her leg bouncing nervously under the table.

She wanted to reach out and ground her and felt horrible knowing that she couldn’t, not the way she usually did. That left her at a loss on what to do next, and a bit angry at Gustus. The blonde understood that he was worried, but his question had contained a measure of insinuation that didn’t sit well with her, as if she was someone taking advantage of Lexa, or pushing her into things the brunette didn’t want. To be honest while she had thought about how it would be like to be more than friends it was way too soon for anything like that, and sex had definitely not been on the forefront of Clarke’s mind. Not yet at least.

“We haven’t had sex, if that is what you are worried about.” She shot back, perhaps a bit too forcefully.

Lexa, who had been following their conversation in silence, a growing sense of dread weighing her stomach down so much she couldn’t take one bite of food, slid down her chair with a small whimper. She shut her eyes tight for a moment, hoping that when she would reopen them, they would be back in the kitchen, Clarke just in, and talking amiably.

Of course that was not what happened when she dared to look again.

Gustus was frowning and Clarke looked down at her plate, with what Lexa interpreted as an abashed expression.

Then he coughed and broke the heavy silence by asking how they had met exactly. It took Lexa a few moments to realize he was talking to her. She felt all eyes on her and wanted to run, but she forced herself to answer.

“I...I was...h-hiding from Nia and…” She knew that was the wrong thing to say as soon as it was out of her mouth and Gustus’ frown turned thunderous. A white lie would have been better even though Lexa would have felt dirty for days after, which would have pushed her into doing more than her share of chores, leaving her foster parents pleased but puzzled.

“They are still after you?” Gustus’ anger was a cold snarl, and she twitched, recoiling back into her seat, although she knew he wasn’t mad at her, but at the bullies. But Lexa had been yelled at in the past, and talked at with anger; they were other families, different voices, but the memories had left an impression on her mind like a footprint on wet cement. Her brain had solidified about these episodes and her reactions to them had become habits hard to break.

She remembered the one time things had become physical with Nia and the bullies, but managed to dispel the flashback before it could resolve from haziness to detail. Her fathers had tried to make the school intervene with no result, then Lexa had just taken to avoiding the places the little gang frequented. Until that day she’d had to duck into the sex shop.

“How long has this been going on?” Clarke’s voice was gentle, and she watched the blonde’s hand land gently on her forearm. Lexa didn’t dare raise her eyes, too afraid of what she’d see in Clarke’s blue eyes. Maybe the blonde would think her a coward and decide to not be friends anymore, but most of all Lexa feared that the other girl’s eyes would be soft with pity. She didn’t want that.

She didn’t need that.

“I am going to bed,” she pushed back the chair, hating the way it screeched against the hardwood floor. Nobody tried to stop her, and she thought that was her measure of mercy for the night.

Silent tears were streaming down her face before she reached her room.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready to be punched in the god damn feels? ~Gilly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People told me to fix the angst from last chap, but I might have done it a little too well :P ~Gilly

She stayed late in bed on Saturday. She woke up at her usual time, body trained to rise at seven O’clock on the dot, but she remained curled under her blankets, watching her digital clock flick from one number to the next. She wondered if Clarke would ever want to see her again after the night before. Her very silent phone just reinforced the thought.

She didn’t blame either Clarke or Gustus for how they acted. It was obvious that her foster father had poked at a sensitive topic for the blonde, and Gustus had just been trying to keep her safe. However, that didn’t stop the twist of sadness in her gut, or the small tears that would escape her eyes as she sniffled. She didn’t blame either of them, but that didn’t stop her wishing that they’d handled the situation differently.

Sometime around noon, she heard a light, almost hesitant knocking at her door. She groaned, not having enough energy to actually say anything, to tell whoever was at her door to come in. She didn’t move, still wrapped up in all of her blankets, as Gustus poked his head into her room. He looked nervous, brow furrowed and mouth curved into a frown.

“I, um, wanted to apologize for last night.” He stayed in her doorway until she rolled over to look at him, taking that as a signal to come in. “You’ve been through so much, I just want to protect you, but that doesn’t excuse how I acted last night.” He shuffled over to sit on her desk chair, looking for all the world like a scolded child. “I’d like to think that I’m pretty open minded, but obviously I still have my biases. I let my own views blind me last night and I’m sorry.”

Lexa recognized Ryders words in Gustus’ speech, as he normally wasn’t so eloquent, but she could hear the sincerity. She knew that Ryder would have talked to him, probably chewing him out along the way, but she was certain Gustus had listened. It was something she found miraculous and amazing about her foster fathers. They talked and communicated, and even more importantly, they listened to each other and tried to be better by acknowledging their faults. They weren’t perfect, of course, but they tried.

Gustus shifted awkwardly on his chair, obviously unsure of where to look, if he should leave, or if he should just wait for her to respond. The sight, and the apology, made her chest fill with warmth. Over her time in foster care, she’d grown so used to never getting any sort of apology, even when it was rightly deserved, but in her time with Gustus and Ryder, she’d heard many apologies. It still felt new, and odd, to be getting one, but it showed they cared for her feelings, which made her infinitely happy.

The words she wanted to say, ‘I forgive you,’ remained stuck in her throat. She wasn’t even sure if she knew how to say it, so she did the only thing that came to mind. She shuffled to the edge of the bed and sat up with a suppressed groan, Gustus watching in confusion. Then she hugged him.

She hoped the action would convey her forgiveness, that she still loved him, that she understood. It seemed he got the message, because when her arms wrapped around him tightly, barely managing to go around his shoulders, he relaxed. All the tension seemed to be released from his body in one huge sigh as he returned the embrace, holding her to his chest.

She felt tears prickle behind her eyes as they continue to hug, content to stay as they were for several long minutes. It was only when her phone buzzed that she pulled away, her heart jumping into her throat. She swallowed thickly as she reached for her phone, wondering, almost hoping that it was Clarke messaging her.

Gustus waited quietly as she stared at her phone. The message was short, and indeed from Clarke. No emojis or winky faces littered the text like they normally would. It’s simple and obviously ernest. Lexa could practically hear the blonde’s begging tone.

[Clarke] I don’t know if you want to see me right now, but would you be willing to meet up for coffee tomorrow or something to talk?

The brunette bit her lip hard, unsure of how to respond. She did want to see Clarke, a lot. She wanted to go back to the shop and have fun as though the dinner never happened. But it had happened, and she had to deal with the aftermath, something she _really_ didn’t want to do.

Gustus gave her a concerned look, tilting his head slightly. She shoved her phone at him, unsure of what to say or do. He read the text with squinted eyes before blinking and looking at her expectantly. “Well, do you want to see her?” She nodded hesitantly, still biting her lip. “Well, then I think you should go, but only if you feel comfortable. Even with what happened last night, I think she’s a good person who really does want to be your friend.” Lexa blushed at his words but nodded, her thumb hovering over her phone's keyboard.

[Lexa] Noon at the coffee shop near the store?

Her fingers trembled as she pressed the send button. She released a shaky exhale when the message showed as sent. Gustus opened his arms wide for another hug, which she sank into gratefully. The reply was almost instantaneous, her phone buzzing softly.

[Clarke] Of course! See you then!

Lexa’s lips quivered into a smile as she nodded to no one in particular. She felt a bit of relief knowing that Clarke wanted to see her, but she could feel her anxiety coiling, ready to rear its head. She just had to wait until tomorrow, but she wasn’t sure her nerves could last that long.

* * *

Clarke waited anxiously at one of the many tables in the coffee shop. Her leg was bouncing with nerves and a cup of coffee sat untouched before her. She felt horrible. The dinner hadn’t gone how she’d wanted it to, but then again it definitely could have been worse.

She’d been excited about getting to know Lexa better outside of the shop, and she had been eager to meet her family, but now she just felt like an idiot for how she reacted to Gustus’ probing. It was obvious the man had just been worried about Lexa, but the conversation had felt like it had been one step away from becoming a shovel talk.

She scrubbed her face with her hands, tired from two sleepless nights in a row. While she was embarrassed from how she reacted, she was more worried about Lexa, how she was feeling, and the bullying that was apparently much worse than the blonde had first thought. The brunette had looked ready to burst into tears when she’d rushed upstairs, a combination of panic and fear fueling her flight. She’d wanted to run after her, to comfort her, but the blonde knew it wasn’t her place.

After Lexa left, the table had descended into an awkward silence. Clarke and Gustus had exchanged mumbled apologies under the domineering eye of Ryder before the blonde excused herself, feeling ill the entire way home.

She was drawn from her thoughts as the bell above the shop’s door rang with a melodious jingle, her head snapping up to take in the sight of Lexa standing hesitantly in front of the door. She looked alright, everything considered, dressed in her thick coat, a beanie and her usual scarf. The blonde waved and tried to smile when Lexa turned in her direction, but she was certain it looked strained. The brunette nodded, motioning that she was going to get a drink. She tries not to stare, occupying herself with her coffee cup although never bringing herself to drink from it.

When Lexa finally sat down, hot cocoa in hand, they didn’t say anything, tension and hesitation thick in the air. Clarke couldn’t bring herself to take more than a few short glances at the younger girl, guilt coiling in her stomach.

“I-

“How-”

Both their mouths shut with a click, a moment of silence, and then they were chuckling, the tension easing slightly.

“You go first.” Clarke spoke softly but Lexa shook her head.

“No, you go first.”

“You sure?” She didn’t want the the brunette to feel like she couldn’t say her piece. The younger girl nodded firmly, tracing a finger around the rim of her mug. “Alright, well…” She bit her lip, thinking about her words. “I want to apologize for last night. I shouldn’t have talked to your Dad like that, and I’m sorry for embarrassing you. It was completely inappropriate.”

Clarke couldn’t tear her eyes away from her rapidly cooling coffee, afraid of what Lexa would say. She liked the younger girl, a lot. She was kind, intelligent, and unbelievably witty once she was out of her shell. She didn’t want to lose this slowly burgeoning friendship, so she was both surprised and ecstatic when a pair of arms wrapped themselves around her shoulders. The angle was awkward, as Clarke was still sitting, but the message was obvious. Lexa forgave her.

They hugged for a solid minute, and the blonde felt tears prickle in her eyes when the brunette pulled away. She swallowed thickly, taking a deep breath as she was filled with relief. She gave Lexa a watery smile as the younger girl sat back down, the tension in the air all but gone. “I want to tell you why Gustus got so mad last night.”

Clarke blinked, having not expected any form of explanation. “You don’t have to-” She was cut off by Lexa shaking her head.

“I want to. I know we haven’t known each other long, but I trust you.” The blonde swallowed, nodding in acceptance as she pushed down the pride she felt at the brunette’s statement.

Lexa took a deep breath, letting it out in one long stream before beginning. “Anya, my foster sister, and I came to stay with Gustus and Ryder four years ago, when I was fourteen. We’d been in the foster care system for a long time. To be honest, I don’t remember anything else. Anya might but I never really asked. We were bounced from home to home cause we never really found the right fit, until now of course, but always having to start over kind of wears on you after a while. I was a wallflower pretty much, well, more of one than I am now, which made me prime target for bullying. I didn’t fight back the first time Nia tried anything. I forget what it was, something stupid and cliche like knocking the books out of my arms, but because I didn’t fight back she just kept coming after me. When we finally got the school involved they didn’t really do anything. Nia and her friends got detention, not even suspended, and then it just went back to how it was, them being assholes and me avoiding them as much as I could. Now here we are.”

She motioned with her mug before taking a sip. Clarke was speechless for a moment, not entirely sure how to handle Lexa’s nonchalance about the whole situation, but then she felt anger. It boiled in her stomach and burned like acid in her mouth. She clenched her jaw and swallowed her desire to hunt down the people that hurt Lexa.

“One of the most frustrating things about it though is that I know it’s messed with my head.” The blonde blinked, unclenching her fists where they’d been digging furrows in her thighs, and looked up to listen. It made her heart hurt when Lexa still seemed so unaffected by what she was saying. “I’ve gone step by step through everything with my therapist. I know I have issues from being in foster care, from being bounced from home to home. I know being bullied by Nia has damaged my confidence. I know my anxiety stems from a whole wealth of things. I know all of this, but there’s only so much medication and therapy can do. There’s only so much that knowing can do.” Lexa sighed, setting down her mug and looking out the shop's window, taking in the dreary grey sky and the softly falling snow.

Clarke swallowed, unsure of how to reply, or even if she should. All she could feel in that moment was the overwhelming desire to protect the younger girl before her, to help in anyway she could. “Is there anything I can do?”

She asked softly, drawing Lexa’s attention away from the window. The brunette gave a small, thin lipped smile, eyes shining in the dim light. “Just keep being you, okay? Don’t change a thing.” Clarke pursed her lips, holding in a smile. She wasn’t entirely sure what she was feeling, but it was warm and happy and all because of Lexa.

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no regrets ~Gilly


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa has an enlightening talk with Indra and goes back to the store, but what starts as a regular visit takes an unexpected turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since it's my turn...you get a cliffhanger!
> 
> \- K

“And then what happened?” 

Even over the phone Lexa thought that Indra’s voice sounded curious. She would have even gone as far as to say eager, except she knew her therapist never displayed things like that, impersonating the perfect picture of professionalism throughout their sessions. She had asked if they could talk over the phone via text early that morning, too hyped to wait for their next appointment which wouldn’t be for another week. Indra was away on some big convention and Lexa thought that what she was reading as curiosity was perhaps just the bad connection, adding artificially to the woman’s voice.

“I told her to just be herself.” She grimaced as soon as the words were out of her mouth. Clarke had seemed to appreciate them, but in retrospect she thought they sounded lame, like those lines she heard sometimes on the CW teen shows all of her classmates insisted on watching, where the hot, capable girl always ended up with the brooding guy, nevermind chemistry.

There was a pause and she started to fidget, scooting her butt to the edge of her bed, ready to bound off it and pace around the room. 

“I am proud of you, Lexa.” Indra’s words had her do a double take and she pulled her cell away from her ear for a moment, staring at the device suspiciously. 

“Wh-what?” She stammered after pressing it back to her ear.

“I am proud of you,” Indra repeated patiently. 

“You are? But why?” She wasn’t really used to people praising her at all, aside from Anya. Her foster parents did it too, whenever she got a good grade or something and it always made her super flustered.

“Yes I am,” the line crackled softly then Indra continued, “it must have cost you a lot to accept her invite to talk. Surely you knew that your chat could end in a variety of ways.” Lexa nodded before realizing the therapist couldn’t see her, so she mouthed a small yes in the phone’s mic. 

“Keep in mind it must have been hard for Clarke too. From what you tell me of her she sounds self-confident, but she also seems to care about this starting friendship and she probably saw the dangers if your meeting at the cafe’ went badly.” 

“Dangers?” Lexa whispered softly, butterflies hatching in her stomach as she replayed her talk with Clarke from the day before.

“She could have lost you. Your friendship. And vice versa. But the fact you both were willing to overcome this obstacle bodes well for the future. You deserve friends that will stay by your side even when things may become hard.” 

“I told her about the bullying.” Lexa exhaled in a rush, and the butterflies eased a little, “that it’s been going on for a while and how it started. Although to be honest I don’t remember exactly.” She laughed bitterly at that. Something minor, trivial even and she had said as much to Clarke. 

But people like Nia really only needed an excuse.

“And her reaction was?” Indra inquired gently.

Lexa took a moment to gather her thoughts at that question. Both during dinner and at the coffee shop Clarke had tensed, her blue eyes which usually were soft and open, clouding like a sky before a summer storm and she had tensed both times, shoulders pulling into a taut line. At the cafe, Lexa’d had the distinct impression that Clarke’s fists had clenched under the table as the blonde listened to her story, a gesture that normally would have made her feel uneasy and perhaps threatened. 

Except coming from Clarke it hadn’t.  

A blush heated the dip of her collarbone, creeping upwards in a warm tide that lapped her neck and spilled onto her cheeks. In a moment of complete clarity, Lexa realized that during their talk the day before she hadn’t felt the need to play with her scarf or hide behind it at all. She swallowed hard at the implication and her leg began to bounce, but the butterflies in her stomach were oddly pleasant. That was definitely something new. 

“I think…” she licked her lips, unsure of how to put the whirlwind of her thoughts into words, “I think...she’s....maybe trying to keep me safe?” 

She phrased it like a question, because nobody outside of her sister and her latest foster family had really ever given much of a damn about what happened to her. Indra did, but she was also paid to. Ok, Lexa wanted to kick herself - the last statement was kind of unfair. 

“I think she’s already started.” There was a lighter tone to Indra’s voice and Lexa could have sworn the therapist was smiling as she talked, “it seems like you have everything well in hand Lexa. See you in a week, then?”

“Uh? Uh, yeah. Sure.” 

“If there is anything we need to discuss before then, send me a message and we’ll call, alright?” 

Lexa agreed and they said their goodbyes, then Indra hung up and once again she was alone with her thoughts. The brunette lowered the phone slowly, as the therapist’s last words played through her mind in a loop. 

_ She’s already started. _

It was true. It had been since the first time she had crawled under the store’s counter in blind panic, Clarke just offering her refuge without too much questioning. And then it had happened again, and again and the blonde had always come through for Lexa, never letting the bullies become aware that she had been hiding right under their noses. 

Lexa swallowed hard, her cheeks on fire. 

Clarke had been watching over her all along.

She bolted out of her room and ran to the bathroom, opening the sink’s cold water faucet to the max and spraying her face with the icy liquid. Green eyes flicked up to the mirror and she groaned. There was no way her blush would go down by Monday morning.

* * *

Clarke’s head whipped around as the store’s doorbell jingled and she broke into a soft smile as she saw Lexa step inside. 

“Hey,” the brunette waved at her timidly.

“Hey yourself,” she replied, dusting her hands off and clambering down the ladder she’d been perched on so that she could move stuff around on the higher shelves. She had been casting looks at the door since she’d come into the store two hours before, hoping that Lexa would appear, her heart lodged in her throat. Their talk at the cafe had gone well, better than she could have hoped for after the disastrous dinner, but she had still been scared Lexa would decide to cut their friendship short. Not even the fact that they had intermittently texted on Sunday had served to reassure her.

“Uh..” She watched Lexa glance at the Christmas tree and had to repress a laugh at her shocked face, “what happened to the tree?” 

“Raven happened.” 

At Lexa’s blank look, Clarke explained further, “it’s her turn to decorate this week and she wanted to give it a bit more character. Or so she said.” At least this year she hadn’t made Christmas balls out of inflated condoms. There was that.

“Oh I did like yours too green-eyes!” Raven chimed in from the back, “but it was a bit too classic, you feel me?” The older brunette stepped into the front with a grin, “do you like it?” 

Lexa looked from the dildo bedecked tree to Raven, back to the tree and then to Clarke, eyes clearly pleading for help. The blonde gave a minuscule shrug. “Just agree,” she mumbled under her breath.

“It...has character,” Lexa nodded, “definitely. Character. Right.” 

“Ah! See?” Raven came to stand beside Clarke and elbowed her in the ribs, “what did I tell you Griff? I just  _ knew _ the Commander would agree!”

“The...Commander?” 

Clarke sighed, rolling her eyes dramatically, “that’d be you,” Lexa’s eyes were still full of confusion and she added, softer, “you get a nickname it means in Raven’s book it’s like you’re family.” 

They shared a smile then Clarke took Lexa’s jacked, hanging it up in what had become the brunette’s spot. 

“If you don’t like Commander, I can always call you heart-eyes.” Raven offered, eliciting a protest from Clarke and a blush from Lexa. 

“Hey, how come I don’t get to choose my nicknames!” That was an interesting development, Raven never let anyone decide between nicknames. 

“She’s a guest, you work here, dumbass.” Raven shot over her shoulder as she lifted a pile of boxes and disappeared back into storage.

“There she goes.” Clarke muttered, turning her attention back to Lexa. “So… want a lesson or just to hang out?” She knew her voice quivered a bit with nervousness, and hoped that if Lexa noticed she wouldn’t take it the wrong way.

The brunette wasn’t taken aback by the question, and was grateful that Clarke had asked what she wanted to do, without assuming. The dinner’s aftermath still influenced them as they had both gotten out a bit bruised, albeit in a different way. She could tell that Clarke was nervous too, probably as much as she was, by the way her vivid blue eyes never seemed to rest on her for more than a few moments. 

The silence stretched and became a bit awkward, the butterflies that had been dancing in her stomach since she had stepped inside the store reaching the size of an enraged T-Rex and Lexa took a deep breath, deciding that she not only could match Clarke’s bravery at the coffee shop, but that she owed it to the blonde. She wanted her to know that their friendship was going to be a mutual effort, not a one sided affair.

“There is one thing I wanted to ask about,” she bit her lip and gave a pointed look to the glass display case that held the store’s assortment of collars. That had been a source of curiosity since the first time she’d stepped into the shop, but she had never actually worked up the nerve to ask, “would you tell me about the collars?” 

There was a lull in conversation, as if Clarke had been completely taken by surprise by her request, but then the blonde offered her hand and after a moment where she felt like her heart would stop, Lexa took it and allowed the blonde to lead her to the display. 

“I guess you could say they are one of the things usually associated with a Dom/sub relationship, although thanks to certain media trash their point is completely missed by a lot of people.

Lexa nodded her to go on and the blonde resumed to talk, as she reached for a set of keys at her waist to unlock the case, “well, people obviously associate them with power. They are a symbol of the power that a dominant has over their submissive. Sometimes they can stand for ownership, when worn out of a scene.” Lexa watched mesmerized as Clarke’s slender fingers traced along a soft looking collar, made of dove grey velvet. It sported a forest green bowtie and she thought it looked cute, almost innocent compared to some of the other ones. 

“A lot of people fail to realize that it is the sub’s choice to put it on,” Clarke’s voice sounded huskier, or maybe it was Lexa’s mind, playing tricks on her, “it is the submissive that allows their dom this measure of power. And for the dom, it is a responsibility, it indicates that the sub is placing their trust completely into the dom’s hands. And it’s up to the dom to know their partner’s needs and desires. And all of this you get through a lot of communication,” Clarke shook her head ruefully, “but a lot of that is glossed over in movies and such.”

Lexa blinked, shoulders jerking slightly as if she had just emerged from a light trance. Listening to Clarke talk never failed to soothe her, and she found she couldn’t tear her eyes away from the collar the blonde had been touching. 

“Can...can I try one on?” She hurried to ask, before logic caught up to her and made her change her mind.

“Do you want to?” One look at Clarke’s gentle eyes tipped the scales completely and she nodded silently. 

“Which one?” 

Lexa swallowed, mouth suddenly dry and all she could do was point weakly at the soft-looking one with the bowtie. 

Clarke took it out for her and motioned her to move in front of the full mirror that sat in a corner.

“Here,” the blonde said, offering the collar, “so you can see how it looks on you.”

Lexa looked from Clarke’s outstretched hand, still holding the collar to the mirror and, gathering her hair with shaky fingers, to bare her neck she nodded jerkily.

“Could you?...if it isn’t a bother…” 

Lexa thought she heard a sharp intake of breath, but wasn’t sure and then she could just look helplessly in the mirror as Clarke moved deliberately slow behind her, ever so gently placing the collar around her throat. It felt exactly as soft as it had looked, and the bow tie’s deep green matched her eyes perfectly as if it had been made for her. The brunette liked the way it tightened against her throat, making it feel slightly constricted every time she swallowed. It was comforting, and Clarke’s fingertips ghosting along the nape of her neck made her whole spine tingle. 

The collar snapped shut and she exhaled the breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding, feeling lightheaded and warm, a strange weakness making her knees shake a little. 

She was so caught up in her own reflection and the way Clarke’s eyes suddenly looked as still as bottomless blue ponds she could get lost in that she didn’t hear the doorbell jingle.

“Well, well,” the voice was cutting, frosty like the weather outside, “here’s something I’ve never thought I’d see. Shy, little Lexa wearing a collar.” 

An invisible hand squeezed Lexa’s throat as she caught a glimpse of them in the mirror, and her world shattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No regrets!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nia's a dick and Raven is having none of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back. We didn't manage to update last week because I got completely swamped with final projects and papers, but we're back now! and with the confrontation with everyone's favourite bully ~Gilly

She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t move either. All she felt was a hand digging into her chest and squeezing her heart until it struggled to beat. Light headedness quickly fogged her mind as she turned, eyes wide. Her entire body felt suddenly cold as she laid her eyes on the three bullies. A rush of uncomfortable shivers ran through her body as Nia’s smirk came into view.

“Interesting meeting you here, Woods. Although it sort of makes sense that you’d be a sub seeing how much of a doormat you are.” Lexa barely heard the other girl’s words, the blood rushing too quickly in her ears. She felt her eyes prickle, tears threatening to start falling. A whimper built in her throat, but the sound was cut off when Clarke suddenly filled her vision.

“Hey, we don’t tolerate any form of shaming in this shop. If you can’t abide by that rule, get out.” Clarke’s voice was biting, a low almost growl that sent shivers up the brunette’s spine. The blonde had stepped in front of her, shielding her from the bullies with her own body. She reached out unconsciously, closing the few inches between them and grabbing the edge of the older girls shirt. That little bit of contact had the knot in her throat ease, letting her take shaky breaths. She curled the fabric between her fingers, the softness of the graphic tee giving her something to focus on other than the leering stares from the trio hovering at the door.

Nia seemed to disregard Clarke’s warning, stalking forward like a predator who had finally cornered her prey. In a way, it was true. Lexa was trapped, and there was no way she’d be walking out of this unscathed, one way or another. “I wonder if you like how we pick on you. Did you like it when you were cowering on the ground, us towering above you? Did you like being so weak?” Her words were obviously intended to be descriptive, to bring back the memory with cruel clarity. Nia’s harsh laugh was what tipped her over the edge, the sound bringing back memories that had Lexa shaking.

She couldn’t think, flashes of memory filling her vision. She knew it wasn’t real, but it felt real, oh so very real. The way the pavement had scraped at her palms. The burning in her chest where she’d been punched and winded. The cracks in the lenses of her glasses, spider webbing menacingly from the top right corner of the frame. And the fear, the overwhelming fear that had closed her throat like a vice, strangling her as she’d futilely tried to scramble away from harsh kicks that had her curling up within herself.   
She felt ill as she stumbled back, Clarke’s shirt slipping from her fingers. A choked sob escaped her throat and she faintly heard the bullies laughing as tears fell. Her breaths were coming in short gasps, and the light headedness was quickly becoming worrying. “God, you are so damaged.” She clapped her hands over her ears, just barely resisting the urge to sink to the floor and huddle into herself. She only succeeded in remaining upright when her muscles locked in fear as a harsh and loud voice filled her ears.

“Oh hell no. You fuckers think you can just walk in here and do and say what you want? Fuck no.” Lexa flinched as Raven breezed past her. The older brunette was slightly hunched, hands flexing at her sides. The younger girl wasn’t entirely sure how to describe it, but Raven seemed dangerous. Anger rolled off her in waves, creating a tangible feeling of hostility that steadily grew as she neared the three bullies. Nia was several inches taller than Raven, but her eyes widened as the older girl neared. The bullies’ bravado seemed to shrink, cowed into submission at the sight of the angry sub.

“Do you know how despicable you are?” Raven hissed, shoving her face as close to Nia’s as she was able. “You might not realize this because of how you blinded yourself with your ego, but Lexa is one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. She’s had to deal with your shit along with all the other fucked up things in this world and she’s still standing. So fucking what if she’s wearing a collar? That’s not a sign of being weak. If you know as much about BDSM as you claim whenever you come into this shop you’d know that.”

Raven continued for several more minutes, tearing into the trio with satisfying viciousness. Slowly, as she watched as the bullies cowered under Raven's gaze, she felt like she could breathe again. She still felt shaky, her body trembling, but she didn’t feel like she was going to pass out. She relaxed further when Clarke came to stand next to her. The blonde didn’t comment when her fingers curled into her shirt again, instead shifting a little closer.

Nia, after several minutes of being berated, seemed to gain a little bit of her confidence back. “You can’t speak to a customer like this. I demand to speak to the manager.” It was a weak way to recover after the complete verbal beat down she’d just received and everyone knew it. Raven growled, reaching over to the counter and grabbed a handful of body glitter packets. She wound her arm back, obviously ready to throw them, but her arm was quickly grabbed by Luna, who had darted past Lexa with terrifying speed.

The entire store seemed to freeze, trapped in an equally terrifying and humorous tableau.

“Hello, I’m the manager, and I’m going to have to inform you that I agree with my employee. No shaming is tolerated in this shop and if you can’t abide by the rules then we must ask you to leave.” Luna’s smile was stony. It made her look eerily threatening, which the bullies picked up on instantly. Nia scoffed, trying to look more confident than she actually was before ushering her friends out of the shop.

The remaining occupants stayed frozen for a few more moments, the tension breaking when the packet of body glitter exploded in Raven’s tight grip. The glitter rained down, coating the older brunette in sparkling particles. Luna jumped away, dodging the glittering shower with an amused expression. Raven sputtered, blinking incredulously.

Lexa couldn’t help the loud laugh that escaped from her lips. All her fear and anxiety burst out in that one laugh, making her knees weak as her laughter quickly morphed into a terrified sob. She didn’t know what would happen now. Would the bullies redouble their efforts in making her life hell? Were they going to tell everyone about her wearing a collar? They could twist it easily, making it seem like it was something horrible.

She felt herself hyperventilating, the fear of the unknown and all it’s possibilities hitting her like a wave, crushing her lungs until she couldn’t breathe. She barely heard the voices around her as her sight narrowed, first red, then blackness creeping into the edges of her vision. Someone helped lower her to the floor, moving her limbs gently until she could rest her forehead on her knees.

“Lexa, I need you to breath. Do you have medication for this stuff?” The voice, Clarke’s voice, Clarke was talking to her, sounded tinny and hollow and very far away. It was like her ears were filled with cotton but she managed to register the question. She tried to remember if she had her meds in her jacket. She hadn’t had an attack this bad in so long that she couldn’t remember if she still had them. She tried to motion to her jacket, wherever she’d put it. She couldn’t remember.

“Alright, we’ll get them. We got you, Lex, we got you.” The words were reassuring, as was the feeling of Clarke hovering at her side, not touching, but just there, unjudging and strong and oh so willing to help in any way she could.

Two pills were suddenly pressed into her hand. Looking up, her gaze swam for a moment before focusing on the orange coloured pills. A moment later a glass of water was hovering next to her hand. She swallowed, taking as large of a breath of air as she could before tipping her hand back and dumping the pills into her mouth. She barely registered the taste before she was washing them down with water. Instantly she felt herself calm a little. She knew it was a sort of placebo effect of simply taking the drug, but that didn’t stop her from taking advantage of it and breathing a little bit deeper. She rested her forehead back on her knees, pressing the bottom of the cool water glass to the back of her neck with a sigh. The chill gave her something to focus on as her heart slowly began to calm.

“Is there anything else we can do?” Clarke’s voice was clearer now. The blonde had sat beside her, keeping a good two inches or so between them. She shook her head as she continued to slowly breath in and out. “Is it alright if I rub your back?” She thought for a moment then nodded, the idea sounding enticing. Then Clarke’s hand was going up and down across her back, warm and rhythmic. She sighed as she felt herself relax a little further.   
They stayed like that for the next while, until she was slumped and relaxed. She stifled a yawn, her medication making her drowsy. She heard low murmuring but couldn’t really concentrate enough to listen. Her jaw popped as she let out another yawn. “Lex, I’m gonna drive you home, okay?” She lifted her head, registering the question.

“No, it’s fine. I can make it there on my own. It’s only a couple blocks.” She yawned again as she finished, drawing a chuckle from the blonde.

“You can barely talk without yawning, plus I’d prefer knowing that you got home safe. We don’t know if those three are still out there.” A slight rush of adrenaline woke her up a bit at the mention of the three bullies.

“Yeah, I have a feeling the douche brigade might try something, and it would all make us feel better if Griff drove you home.” Raven crouched down next to her, still coated in glitter, a look of concern on her face. Lexa couldn’t help the snort she let out, reaching up and taking a handful of sparkles from the older brunette’s hair.

“Okay, if it’ll make you guys feel better.” She felt a small pool of warmth gather in her chest at the fact that they cared enough about her well being that they wouldn’t only defend her, but make sure she was safe afterwards as well. Raven smiled at her response before it quickly turned into a mischievous grin quickly followed by a rapid shake of her head, raining glitter down on the younger girl. Lexa spluttered out a laugh, rolling away and standing to avoid the sparkling rain.

“Alright, that’s enough.” Luna laughed as she tossed Clarke her keys and held out Lexa’s jacket. “Drive safe, and Lexa…” The brunette paused in putting on her jacket, blinking in surprise. “Know that this shop will always be a safe place for you.” Lexa felt tears prick her eyes as she nodded, biting her lip to contain the sudden rush of joy.

“Alright, let’s go.” Clarke wrapped an arm around her shoulders, a soft look on her face. Lexa couldn’t help but think that the blonde knew she was on the verge of tears and was giving her an out. It made the feeling in her chest grow, and she held back a sniffle as the older girl led her from the shop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that was satisfying enough for you guys, and hopefully next week there will be more fluff than angst :P


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke drives Lexa home and meets Anya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the new chapter is out early! One of us is going to be busy and without internet for the weekend and we both really like seeing the comments so we decided to post early, however, this means you'll have to wait till the next Saturday to get another chapter, although this one isn't a cliff hanger exactly plus it's a longer chapter so I think that makes it a bit better.~Gilly

Clarke’s car was not what Lexa would have expected. The blonde led her to an old, battered Ford Silverado parked in the corner of the strip mall’s parking lot. It certainly had seen better days, its body dented in several places, the deep blue paint scratched off in a few spots near the rear bumper.

Clarke held the passenger’s door open for her and Lexa clambered up on the front seat, carefully shifting a pile of books to the back seat.   
“Sorry about that,” Clarke said, watching her make more room, “I finished those and haven’t had time to swing by the library to return them yet.”

“Oh I understand,” they shared a smile, “I love reading.” Now that she was seated, her body started to relax and Lexa pushed a fist against her mouth, stifling a yawn.

Clarke nodded, then told her to watch her feet and closed the truck’s door, going around to climb into the driver’s seat. Lexa took the few seconds she had alone inside the car to look at its interior. The seats were worn, but the truck was spotless if a bit cluttered and it was obvious that the blonde took good care of it. There was a small hula girl doll on the car’s dash and she smiled, poking it softly with a finger and making it move.

“Oh, that’s my dad’s,” Clarke had opened the driver’s door and settled into the seat, fastening her seatbelt, “he always wanted to go to Hawaii, but never got around to it.”

“Life’s too busy?” Lexa asked, stifling another yawn. Damn meds making her drowsy now that she was learning things about Clarke.

“He...uh...he passed away a few years ago,” a sad smile curved the blonde’s lips, and her eyes misted over, “Raven keeps telling me I should trade in this gas guzzler for something smaller, but it’s the one thing I have of his beside his watch and I can’t bring myself to give it up.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Lexa murmured as Clarke started the car up. The engine came to life with a throaty purr and the blonde carefully backed them out of her parking spot. The brunette hated that those were the only words that had come to her mind - they were so trite, so cliched, words that millions of people around the world told each other when it came to grief. She didn’t remember her biological parents, not really, but she knew what losing someone that mattered felt like, It had happened to her and Anya a couple of times, when they had been moved to a family they had grown attached to only to be moved somewhere else a few months later. They had stopped caring about the people they were entrusted to because it hurt too much, at least until Gustus and Ryder had come around.

It wasn’t the same thing, to lose someone because they died and move a couple hundred miles away from a foster family you liked, but in a way all those people they had left behind may as well be dead, since they had lost contact with all of them.

“It’s ok,” Clarke’s voice was soft when she answered, “I’m over it.” She chuckled drily and gave a small shrug as they left the strip mall behind, “or as over as you can be with that sort of thing. Thank you though.” the blonde glanced her way for the space of a heartbeat and Lexa saw that her sky blue eyes were sincere and shone with warmth. “That was very kind.”

A jolt of electricity zipped down Lexa’s spine as their eyes met and she smiled, happy that her words had been well received and that she’d found something appropriate to say for a change. She wasn’t the best at social interactions - actually tried to avoid what wasn’t absolutely necessary - and it was a thing Indra had been working on with her for the longest time now. Perhaps they were finally getting somewhere, Lexa thought with a sigh, aware that Clarke’s easygoing, accepting manner had helped get her out of her shell. Raven and Luna had become quite a presence in her life too, something she wouldn’t have thought could happen in the space of a few short weeks.

Lexa had been used to counting on herself and Anya only, and now that she had gained a few unexpected friends she really didn’t want to screw it up.

She settled back into the comfortable seat with a weary sigh, the meds making her eyes heavy, grateful that Clarke seemed content to let her be alone with her own thoughts. She doubted she could have sustained a complex conversation anyway, her mind sluggish as if her head had been stuffed with wool.

The car rolled on slowly, streets clogged with the evening’s heavy traffic, and its uneven rhythm of slow stops and starts lulled her into a daze. She didn’t actually fall asleep, it was more of an open-eyed dream, during which she stared out her window at the evening shadows descending over town, the street lights flicking on as the car went by.

She didn’t realize they had stopped until she heard Clarke call her name softly, the blonde’s hand gently rubbing her forearm.

“We’re here, Lexa.” Clarke’s brow was creased by a small furrow and her eyes brimmed with concerned. “You alright?”

“Sorry…” Lexa nodded weakly, cheeks pinked by embarrassment, “I haven’t needed my meds in some time. I guess my body isn’t used to it anymore.”

“No need to be sorry,” Clarke squeezed her forearm lightly and tingles ran up her arm, “I’m gonna walk you to the door and make sure you get inside, ok?”

They had parked just a few meters down the road from her house, and Lexa wanted to argue that she could get there alone just fine, but the thought that Clarke wanted to walk her to the door made her all fuzzy inside, her stomach flipping weirdly.

She placed a hand on the door handle, ready to get out of the truck, but Clarke hadn’t removed her hand and that fact stopped her in her tracks as she met the blonde’s kind gaze with a confused frown of her own.

“Aren’t we forgetting something?”

Lexa bit her bottom lip, utterly lost then, when Clarke gestured to her neck, a scorching blush turned her cheek a bright red.

“Oh goodness!” Her hands went to her own throat, still adorned by the collar, “I totally forgot..” She reached around to the nape of her neck, completely flustered, fingers shaking so badly that she couldn’t open the small clasp at the back of the strip of velvet.

“Hey, hey it’s fine,” Clarke released her seatbelt and half turned to face her, “I got it.” The blonde leaned forward, so close that only inches remained between them, so close that Lexa could feel her warm breath against her own cheek. Her eyes fell to Clarke’s lips and widened - the blonde’s mouth looked soft, its curve made for kissing. Lexa wetted her lips, her own mouth suddenly dry, tongue flicking against her lower lips as butterflies beat the air inside her lungs into a disastrous cyclone. Should she kiss Clarke? She kind of wanted to, her whole body burning to a cinder at the thought. Hands falling away from her throat as the blonde’s expert fingers worked the clasp loose.

She could, couldn’t she? It was just a matter of closing the distance and shutting her eyes, and hoping, wishing that Clarke wouldn’t pull away.

Lexa shut her eyes just as a black web began to edge her vision, back trembling slightly with the weight of her decision, then Clarke’s hands were cradling her face, thumbs stroking her cheeks soothingly.

“Breathe, Lexa,” the brunette’s eyes flew open, to be transfixed by piercing, caring blue, “it’s alright. Take it easy,” for one glorious moment Clarke’s forehead rested against her own, then the blonde’s hands fell away from her face to seek her hands, fingers entwining with hers reassuringly. She watched, ensorcelled, as Clarke visibly swallowed, before letting out a shaky exhale.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Warmth spread through Lexa’s chest, like some sort of light had begun emanating from it. Despite Anya and supporting foster parents she had felt cold and lost in the darkness of her own fears, but since Clarke had entered her life - or rather since she had barged into Clarke’s - something had shifted, and she realized that the butterflies inside her weren’t beating wings of fear, but excitement. The blonde was so understanding, so willing to let Lexa work through whatever she was feeling without exerting pressure that it brought tears to her eyes.

Clarke squeezed her hands one last time, then let go, pocketing the collar that had fallen on Lexa’s lap, a small smirk playing along her lips.

“Now that the collar crisis is averted, shall I walk you to the door?” The blonde said teasingly, voice full of warmth. Lexa nodded, a goofy grin plastered on her own face before another jaw-splitting yawn hit.

“Wait there,” Clarke murmured, suddenly serious, “I’ll get you out.”

Lexa wanted to tell the blonde that she didn’t need to worry, but the words tangled on the tip of her tongue and she shook her head, as the small spike of adrenaline from a few moments before dissipated. Her eyes felt grainy with sleep, her head heavy, and she craved her bed, whole body aching in protest as she released her own seatbelt and stretched.

She opened the car’s door just as Clarke was walking up to it and stumbled out, legs so weak she had to grab onto the truck to hold herself upright. Her vision swam and the concrete under her feet seemed to tilt and rock a few times before it settled.

“Whoops,” Lexa couldn’t help the stupid giggle that fell from her lips, “I think the meds hit me waaaay harder than I thought.”

“Looks that way,” Clarke’s arm went around her waist, as the blonde’s side pressed into hers, Clarke’s body effectively holding her upright, “let’s get you inside before you faceplant on your front yard ok?”

“Ok.” Lexa readily agreed, simply happy to bask in Clarke’s closeness as the blonde gently dragged her up to the house’s doorstep. Her friend reached out to ring the bell and the door opened moments later, Anya standing on the doorway.

Lexa groaned.

“Oh my God, did you get shitfaced?” The brunette was torn between hiding her face against Clarke’s shoulder and groaning again. Anya would never let her forget this, she thought, cringing inwardly and an hysterical giggle split from her chest, making her shake almost out of Clarke’s hold.

“Did she get shitfaced?” Her sister directed towards Clarke, eyes narrowing dangerously.

“She had a panic attack and took some meds.” The blonde explained hurriedly, “she’s been kind of...well… drugged.”

To Lexa’s dazey relief, Anya just nodded, stepping outside to help keep her upright.

“Let’s tuck her in and then you can tell me what happened,” she shot over Lexa’s head, in a voice that didn’t leave room for argument, “you must be Clarke, the one that turned my sister into a walking gay disaster.”   
The blonde laughed and Lexa whined in protest as they pulled her inside and up the flight of stairs to her room.

“If this is drugged Lexa,” Clarke panted once they reached the hallways at the top of the stairs, “I’m scared to ask what drunk Lexa looks like.”

Lexa heard the note of affection in the blonde’s voice, but cringed when Anya sniggered, stomach sinking with the thought her sister was about to tell Clarke some embarrassing story.

She was not mistaken.

“Well,” Anya began as they maneuvered the brunette inside the bedroom, “this one time she drank too much NyQuil and was high on it for like...a whole day?”

Lexa whined again, this time managing to formulate a somewhat coherent retort.

“Stop, An! She likes me! Someone finally likes me and you’re gonna...gonna…” Suddenly she was being eased on the bed and her eyes closed on their own accord, the rest of what she was about to say ending in incoherent mumbles and a small puff of breath as she fell asleep.

Clarke watched Anya take off her sister’s shoes and lovingly pull a blanket over her, fingers gently brushing a strand of hair from her brow.

“She’s a lightweight,” Lexa’s older sister met her gaze with a grin, then amusement faded as she gestured for the door.

“We can talk in the living room,” Clarke followed without speaking, noting the sudden tension in Anya’s back. On one hand she was scared Lexa’s sister may blame them for what had happened, but her heart warmed at the same time, secure in the knowledge that the brunette had someone so steadfast at her side.

Anya motioned her to take a seat on the couch and walked to the kitchen, coming back moments later with two cups of steaming coffee.

“You look like a coffee type of person,” Anya said in reply to her surprised look, “but really, I know because Lexa talks about you non-stop.”

“She does?” Clarke’s heart fluttered, and she hid behind the offered coffee cup to hide the splash of pink warming her cheeks.

“Non-stop. Now, what happened exactly? I know the meds you were talking about and she hasn’t had an attack that bad in some time.” Anya settled back into the armchair she had taken, crossing her legs and waiting expectantly.   
Clarke gave a brief account, recounting everything but the part about the collar. It was enough for Anya to know that the bullies had found Lexa inside the sex shop. The rest was not hers to share, although she had a feeling that Anya would be supportive of her sibling no matter what.

“I’m worried about her,” she concluded, hands tightening around the half full cup until her knuckles began to ache, “Raven wanted to protect her, but I’m scared that now those dipshits will spread rumors at school or something.” Clarke lowered her gaze to the coffee table and added in a soft whisper, “I can’t look out for her there.”

“Lexa can always say she saw Nia buy the biggest butt plug ever made,” Anya remarked drily, causing Clarke to jerk her eyes up in surprise, “I’ll remind her to be careful, but I think you guys did the right thing. She never had people stand up for her, besides me or our foster parents, and while I think she’ll be able to protect herself in the long run, a confidence boost like that goes a long way. You guys are good for her,” Anya drained her own cup setting it down carefully, then reached across the coffee table to rest her fingers on Clarke’s wrist.

“You are good for her. I’ve never really seen her so happy. She’s going out, meeting people, finally coming out of her shell. You and your colleagues created a safe space for her somehow, and I can’t thank you enough for that.”

Clarke nodded, moved by the older girl’s words, and it took her a few moments before she could speak past the sudden lump in her throat.

“As I said Luna, my manager, banned them. The store will always be a safe place for her to come to.”

They talked some more, the conversation slowly veering towards lighter subjects, until Clarke stood, a regretful expression on her face.

“I should get back to work. I’m supposed to close today. Can you tell Lexa I’ll call later..to...to check on how she feels?”

“Sure thing,” Anya gave a small smile, eyes softening, ”It was nice meeting you Clarke. Maybe next time you come by you can try the dinner thing again? I heard the first one didn’t go so well.”

The blonde grimaced at the memory, following Lexa’s sister to the front door.

“I’m not sure Gustus likes me much.” She shrugged apologetically, a sliver of fear making her stomach lurch. She wanted Lexa’s family to like her, because the brunette was becoming one of the few enjoyable constants in her life and the thought of losing her for one reason or another made Clarke sick.

“Oh he does.” Anya patted her shoulder encouragingly. “He’s just a bit of a bear sometimes.”   
They shared one last laugh then Clarke hurried to her truck, wind buffeting her frame with every step. She felt lighter, reassured, because she knew that no matter what happened Lexa had people around her that would do their best to protect her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Opinions? We love reading them


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Bullies retaliation is revealed and plans for the weekend are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And a new chapter for all you lovely people. I think it might go in a way that many won't expect, but in my opinion is rather realistic in the grand scheme of things. Also, my lovely co-author Kendrene wrote me a gift fic called Whiteout Conditions, so I urge you to go have a look at that :p

The next day, she woke to several texts from Clarke asking how she was feeling, one from an unknown number that she quickly realized was Raven who must have gotten her number from Clarke, along with a message from Anya saying that she let her sleep and that Gustus and Ryder said she could go into school when she was ready. Her alarm clock blinked slowly, flashing as the numbers flipped to show ten thirty eight.

After replying to all her messages, chuckling at Ravens enthusiastic introductory text and ‘get better soon’ spiel, and feeling comfortably warm at Clarke’s obvious concern, she hauled herself out of bed and into the kitchen, her stomach rumbling and empty after having missed dinner the night before. Popping open the fridge, she smiled, finding a plate of leftovers with a note from Gustus taped to the cellophane wrap stretched over it.

Hope you’re feeling better, and tell Clarke thank you -Gustus

She bit her lip to contain her smile, happy that her foster father really did seem to like Clarke.

After eating, she toyed with the idea of simply skipping school and going straight to the shop, but then decided against it. It would be better to simply face the music now rather than wait and possibly make it worse. She swallowed thickly as she left for the bus, putting in her ear buds and playing her music at full blast before her brain could come up with too many scenarios.

When she stepped off the bus, what she wasn’t expecting were two police cars to be parked in front of the main building, or the sight of the three bullies being led off in handcuffs. She darted behind the low wall next to the path leading to the main office and watched as all three of them were put into the back of a cruiser.

Her mind was racing. What happened? Simple bullying didn’t warrant being arrested, so had they done something else? She wouldn’t be that surprised, but what was it? The police cruisers pulled out, leaving who looked to be the principal and one of the more senior teachers standing on the curb, looking tired and unhappy. She didn’t blame them, all considering. Having to watch three of their students be hauled off in handcuffs, even if they probably deserved it, must be an unpleasant experience.

Staying low, she crept her way into the main office, breathing a sigh of relief when she found it empty besides the receptionist, Jackson. He looked at her and smiled warmly before leaning back and grabbing the sign in binder.

“Um, do you know what happened outside? With the police and stuff?” She asked hesitantly as she sighed her name and initialed accordingly. Jackson shrugged, obviously uninformed.

“Not sure, something happened last night with three students, but that’s all I know. Also, Kane wanted me to tell you that he wanted to talk about university advising. Said to email him.” She nodded absently, mind occupied by her curiosity. She left the office after a short goodbye and thank you, making her way to her locker to grab her books.

The rest of the day went by in a blur, her mind completely distracted by what had happened earlier. She did hear some rumours murmured throughout the halls about why the three bullies had been pulled from school by police, ranging from drug dealing to murder. Of course, she doubted them all. Even Nia wouldn’t go as far as murder, and they already had at least four known drug dealers in their grade alone, so really it wouldn’t be economical, hypothetically speaking, of course.

It was after the final bell rang and she’d made it to the shop did she find out what actually happened. When she turned the corner from the bus stop to go into the strip mall, she was met with the sight of the three sex shop employees outside the front, scrub brushes in hand as they scraped off layers of white sticky goo from the blacked out front windows. Feeling an uncomfortable twist in her chest, she jogged over, stopping next to Clarke.

“What happened?” Her voice was obviously filled with worry, her mind jumping to it being her fault. Considering how the three bullies had been taken away that morning it very well could have been her fault. Clarke paused in her cleaning, swiping an arm across her forehead. Despite it being the first few days of December, it was rather warm, making it a bit uncomfortable to wear any heavy jackets. “Was it Nia?” She bit her lip, nervous for the answer.

Clarke gave her a look, practically confirming her suspicions. She felt her eyes burn, guilt twisting in her chest. It was her fault that Nia and her friends had vandalized the shop. It was her fault that they’d gotten kicked out, making them want revenge. Suddenly there were hands on her shoulders, forcing her to look at the blonde. “It wasn’t your fault. They were the ones who decided to do this, not you.”

“But if I wasn’t there yesterday they never would have gotten kicked out in the first place.”

“Worth it!” And then Raven was beside her, slinging an arm around her shoulders with a wide grin. “Honestly, they were kinda shit customers, acting all high and mighty and stuff, plus they were kind of rude in general. So, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t happy they’re gone.” The younger brunette blushed, her guilt and satisfaction at having another person who disliked the three bullies warring with each other.

“I’d have to agree with Raven. They were rather rude. Besides, it’s just a little egg. Completely worth it if it means those three get what they deserve.” Luna spoke calmly, a small smile on her face. Lexa blushed even harder, tucking her face into her scarf to hide her widening smile.

“Well, they were being arrested when I got to school today.” She mumbled, eyes flicking between the three colleagues. Clarke and Raven grinned at her words, high fiving with enthusiasm while Luna simply smiled and returned to scrapping away at the dried egg. While the two older girls celebrated, Lexa shuffled around them, dropping her bag against a clean portion of wall before grabbing a brush and getting to work. Even though Clarke had insisted it wasn’t her fault, she still wanted to help clean up the mess. They’d been so kind, she wanted to repay them in some way, even if it was just helping to clean up the mess she was apart of.

Soon, the two girls returned to cleaning, scrubbing away at the dried egg with renewed vigor. They worked in comfortable silence, the only sounds being the odd vehicle driving along the road, or some passersby murmuring in curiosity.

“So, how was your day at school?” Clarke murmured, reaching to scrub at a higher spot on the window.

“Hm, alright, I didn’t really pay attention all that much everything considered. Although, I do need to email Kane, the university advisor.” She responded lightly, happy that they had moved onto less serious topics.

“Oh, you planning on going to university? Know what you want to do?” Raven sidled up on her other side, joining the conversation.

“Not sure. I’ve always focused on surviving high school, never really thought about what comes after.” Both nodded at her explanation, like it made perfect sense. “I mean, I know logically it’s a good idea. Better jobs and all that, but what would I do?”

There was silence as everyone contemplated her question. A few hms and haws as it was mulled over. “Well, I think you should study things that interest you, rather than focusing on a career. I started working here cause I found sex and its dynamics fascinating, so I think you should look at what you enjoy and decide on an actual job later.” Clarke suggested, pausing in her scrubbing to look at the younger girl. “Of course, I never went to university, so I have no idea if what I’m saying makes sense.”

Lexa nodded, rolling everything over in her mind. Clarke did have a point. She wasn’t sure what she wanted to do, but she did know she had the same fascination as Clarke. The dynamics in BDSM were incredibly interesting to her, as well as why someone would want to enter such a dynamic.

She also found that she enjoyed understanding the way she was. When she had first gone to see Indra, she had been completely unaware of the terminology or conditions that she had, and once she was, she had felt an incredible amount of relief. There was only so much knowing could do for helping in recovery, but knowing in general had felt much better than not knowing at all.

“Hm, I am sort of interested in psychology, I guess.” She mused, still lost in thought. “I’ll talk to Kane about it and see what he thinks.”

“Sounds like a plan! Also, speaking of plans, you got any this weekend? Raven and I are going Christmas shopping, and I’ll need help wrangling her over-enthusiasm.” Clarke paused in her scrubbing, looking expectantly at the younger brunette.

Lexa blinked, pausing as well. She couldn’t think of any reason why she couldn’t go, but a slight feeling of nervousness crept into her stomach. The last time she and Clarke had spent a decent amount of time together outside the shop, it had been during the dinner, which had ended badly. Swallowing thickly, she took a deep breath and nodded, determined to not let her anxiety get the best of her. Besides, with Nia and her friends literally under arrest, it was extremely doubtful that they’d run into them. Suddenly, the nervousness tightening in her stomach loosened.

Nia and her friends were arrested.

They couldn’t hurt her, at least for the next while. This fact had her nodding a little stronger, a relieved smile tugging at her lips. “Yeah, sure, I don’t have any plans.” The thought of going out and not having to look over her shoulder every few seconds sounded amazing, and it filled her with excitement. Plus, she was going out with Clarke and Raven, two people she was rather certain she could call her friends. The very idea made her feel giddy.

In an attempt to contain her excitement, she scrubbed a little harder, watching as the egg fell away under her brush. For once, she felt happy without reservation. Nia and her friends were out of her hair, she had people she could call her friends, she had a small idea about her future, and she had plans to go out for the first time in a long time. For once, things were good, and she had every intention of enjoying it while she could.

“So, what do you need to shop for?” She asked, trying to keep the easy conversation going. She felt comfortable talking with them, and finding such a thing was rare, so she wanted to continue for as long as she possibly could.

“Raven wants to get some decorations for her apartment. I’m gonna look for presents and that sort of thing. Speaking of, what would you want for Christmas?” Lexa blinked, surprised at the question. She hadn’t even considered that they were close enough for holiday gift giving yet.

“Um, you don’t have to get me anything.” She mumbled, focusing intently on the patch of egg she was scrubbing at, avoiding eye contact.

“I want to. It’s what friends do right?” The brunette felt herself blushing, happiness flooding her at the confirmation that they were indeed friends. They fell into a comfortable silence, scrubbing away at the windows, however, her thoughts were rolling, wondering what she would get Clarke in return. She wanted to show the blonde her appreciation, but she wasn’t entirely sure how. As they continued to clean, she went through several options in her head until she silently sighed in frustration. Maybe she could find a moment alone with Raven and ask her, as the older brunette knew Clarke better than she did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember kids, your actions have consequences :p and if you don't think about them you might get arrested like the three idiots


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas shopping begins!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And a new chapter for you all to read on this lovely Saturday. A quick note: I (Gilly) now have a full time job over the summer, which may affect the frequency of posting. I'm hoping it won't, but due to my need for money as a poor university student, I need to put my job before writing unfortunately and it wouldn't be fair to have Kendrene doing the bulk of the writing. So, with any luck we'll keep going on as we have been, but don't be surprised if a chapter is a few days late or we skip an update every once in a while.

Sun rays peeked in through Lexa’s window, crawled across the room slicing the darkness within neatly in half and warming her body, still curled up snugly underneath her comforter.

The light inched upwards as the sun rose almost lazily until a golden blade of sunshine poked her squarely in the eye and she woke with an annoyed grunt.

“Oh God, I’m late!” Bolting upright, Lexa kicked the blankets to the foot of the bed, trying to get up at the same time, ending up in a tangle and almost falling out of bed and on her face. “Crap!”

“Chill. You aren’t late,” Anya’s voice drifted to her, and she twisted around, realizing her sister was standing in her doorway, one shoulder pressed against the doorjamb and a lopsided half-grin on her lips, “in fact, you are early.”

Lexa stilled, ceasing her frantic attempts at freeing herself from the sheets still wrapped around one ankle, “I am?”

Anya nodded, stepping inside the room and quickly freeing her with a roll of her eyes, “I heard you toss around all night. Did you sleep at all?”

Lexa lowered her gaze, guilty at having kept her sister awake. She had napped a little, waking with a start several times during the night with her stomach in knots. She would reach out to the cell phone resting on her night table every time, hoping the display would tell her it was almost time to get up, and sighing at how slowly the night seemed to drip by.

She was torn between excitement and fear, looking forward to hang out with Clarke and Raven outside of the sex shop, but also painfully aware that the only precedent had ended in disaster.   
“Come on,” Anya wrapped a hand around her forearm, helping her up, “since someone woke me up real early I made breakfast, then I will help you pick an appropriate outfit.”

“Appropriate...outfit?” Lexa shambled after Anya, tummy growling at the mention of food. Her thoughts were sluggish from the last dregs of sleep and her mouth tasted like something had died inside it.

“Yes,” Anya nodded, preceding her downstairs, “you want to look sharp enough to make Clarke swoon, but not pretentious.”

“I...Want to make her swoon?”

“You don’t?” Anya threw an amused look over her shoulder and snorted as Lexa missed the last step almost crashing into her sister’s back.

Did she want to make Clarke swoon? Her stomach lurched, and Lexa felt a gooey warmth spread inside her chest as she remembered how close she’d come to kissing Clarke in the blonde’s car, and to be honest she desperately needed Anya’s help in the dressing department. She had stared inside her open wardrobe for the better part of an hour the night before and still had no idea what she would wear.

They ate quickly, Lexa smiling when she saw Anya had made her blueberry pancakes, then headed back upstairs, her clothing problem looming large on the horizon.

“I have nothing to wear.” Lexa sentenced dramatically, flinging the wardrobe’s door open.

“Right.” Anya snorted, giving an exasperated huff before diving head first into Lexa’s impressive collection of button up shirts and hoodies.

“This,” She grunted after several minutes of rummaging, handing her a flannel without looking back, “and this,” she added a plain black t-shirt to go beneath, followed by a pair of black jeans that Lexa knew hugged nicely around her hips.

“There.” Anya re-emerged, dusting her hands off theatrically, “gay with style.” Her sister practically waltzed out of the room before Lexa could think of a reply with a “you’ll thank me by making me breakfast burritos tomorrow!” hurled over her shoulders.

Lexa chuckled to herself, her sister’s easy manner unknotting her stomach somewhat. She dressed, twisting this way and that in front of the mirror to check herself out, nodding with satisfaction at Anya’s choices.

She brushed her hair out, then sat at her desk, fidgeting nervously with her phone. She debated texting Clarke, but she didn’t want to give her friend the impression that she was being overbearing. That was the problem with having woken up too early - she was ready way before anyone else was ready for her.

When the phone buzzed in her hands, Lexa almost dropped it with a small yelp, trembling fingers fumbling the knock-knock code twice before she could get the device unlocked.

[Clarke] I hope you’re awake. We’re 5 mins away. Raven woke me up at 5. >:(

Lexa couldn’t help but giggle as she tried to picture hyper Raven and managing to end up with an image that was quite scary to behold.

[Lexa] Coming downstairs.

She typed hurriedly, before grabbing her keys and wallet, before practically flying down the stairs.

Grabbing her jacket, Lexa shrugged it on, pocketing her scarf and beanie, then tugging on her gloves. It was sunny now and she wouldn’t be too cold, but the forecast she had heard on the radio while eating breakfast also mentioned snow. Best she was prepared for anything.

What she wasn’t prepared for, was the christmas music coming from Clarke’s truck. Lexa heard it as soon as she stepped out of the front door and, as she looked through the car’s window she saw Raven nodding along in her seat, obviously singing, then caught a desperate, flash of blue eyes peeking out from the driver’s seat and the next moment Clarke was spilling hastily out of the car, and walking briskly towards her.

A snag of the Christmas’ song playing on the radio followed the blonde’s footsteps, along with Raven’s voice, noticeably off-key but wildly singing nonetheless.

Santa’s got a little friend  
His name is Dominick  
The cutest little donkey,  
You never see him kick.

When Santa visits his paisons,  
With Dominick he’ll be,  
Because the reindeer cannot  
Climb the hills of Italy.  
  
“Please save me,” Clarke pleaded as she pulled Lexa into a soft hug, “I gave her the AUX cord.”

“I’ll try.” Lexa laughed, hugging the blonde back just as gently. They lingered perhaps a moment longer than necessary, and when she pulled back, Lexa saw a faint blush on Clarke’s cheeks which was undoubtedly mirroring the one heating her own.

She followed Clarke to the car, and climbed into the back seat, greeted by an enthusiastic Raven, whose hello got nearly lost among the music.

“Hand the AUX cord to the guest, Rae,” Clarke said, nudging the girl before starting the truck’s engine, “I am already way too awake as it is.”

“Ugh. Fine.” Raven’s pout was short lived and she twisted in her seat, disconnecting her phone from the radio system, “I am sure she has good music taste anyway.”

Lexa took the offered cord with a somber expression, fingers quickly selecting an appropriate tune. Something christmasy enough to satisfy Raven, but a bit easier on the ears for their grumpy driver.

In these frozen and silent nights  
Sometimes in a dream you appear  
Outside under the purple sky  
Diamonds in the snow sparkle  
Our hearts were singing  
It felt like christmastime

“Awwww,” she saw Raven’s grin reflected in the rearview mirror, “I knew you’d pick something soft. But as I said, good taste Greeneyes!”

They all laughed, then made light conversation about the day ahead, deciding on where they would have lunch and which stores they would go to first. The mall Clarke was driving to was the biggest, and only, one in the area, but it was early enough in December that Lexa hoped it wouldn’t be too swarmed with people.

She sat back into her seat and watched the trees along the highway flash by, happy to let the others talk, realizing that the heaviness that usually accompanied her when ever she went out was missing. She would be able to enjoy their shopping without having to constantly look over her shoulder, her bullies physically out of the picture at least for some time, and she intended to take full advantage of the situation. Perhaps she’d even take up one Anya’s many offers to go out. Her sister had never expected her to actually accept, but always offered, so Lexa was sure it would be a nice surprise to hang out somewhere other than at home.

She resolved to talk about her new found freedom with Indra, just in case she was getting a bit carried away with the idea, either on the phone or during one of their sessions, then turned her attention back to her surroundings as Clarke carefully parked the truck in an empty spot. The brunette was relieved to see that the parking lot was still mostly empty, as she felt rather allergic to crowds.

They had decided they would stop by a clothing store first, since Clarke wanted to get her mother a gift card. She had explained it was a way to force Abby to go out, whether with friends or Clarke since, in the blonde’s words, her mother spent way too much time thinking of her job and neglected her own enjoyment sometimes.   
  
Soon enough they were lost among rows of clothing and Lexa seized the opportunity to lag back with Raven, wanting to ask for advice in regards to Clarke’s present.

The brunette immediately caught on, and they began to whisper conspiratorially while pretending to examine reindeer printed socks.

“So what are you getting her?” Lexa mumbled out of the corner of her mouth, keeping an eye on Clarke who was talking to a salesperson a few meters ahead.

“Oh I already got her present.” Raven fished out her phone and thumbed through her pics, before shoving the device under Lexa’s nose. It was a coffee mug, useless wife printed on it in rainbow colors.

“One time this guy came into the store and started hitting on me,” Raven explained with a cheeky grin, “so Clarke and I told him we were married and it became kind of a running joke between us.”

Lexa snorted then couldn’t refrain from asking, “did it make him go away?”

“Nope, he wanted a threesome.”

They fell against each other giggling, and Clarke cast a puzzled look towards them.

“So what do I get her? I can’t exactly buy it today either.” Well, she could, but she also had a terrible poker face when it came to Clarke, or anyone really.

“Art supplies,” Raven said instantly with utmost certainty, “I keep telling Clarke she should go to art school but she starts talking of money and time and liking her job...and I get all of that, but she’s got so much talent,” the girl paused, a small frown marring her brow before she added, “you know, maybe seeing you go to college will motivate her.”

“Oh, I don’t think I have that much of an effect over Clarke.” Lexa stammered, wishing her scarf was around her neck and not still in her coat pocket.

“Oh sweetie, you have no idea.” Raven scoffed, but before she could add more, Clarke joined them, wrapping her arms around their shoulders.

“Found something?” The blonde asked, with a curious light in her eyes.

“Yeah,” Lexa lifted a pair of the socks, “think I’ll get these for my sister as a gag gift. Make her believe that’s all there is,” she dropped her voice dramatically as if she was sharing classified information, “I already ordered her new boxing gloves. Had to save up for some time, but she deserves the best gifts.”

“I’ve heard she’s hot.” Raven quipped, earning an elbow in the ribs from Clarke.

“What?! You told me she was!”

“I also said not as hot as…” Clarke cut off suddenly, eyes darting to Lexa’s before she tore them away, leaving the brunette blushing and short of breath. “I’ll go pay for the gift card,” the blonde mumbled, scurrying away in a somewhat undignified retreat as Raven cackled at her slip.

Lexa could only stare after her, the knots inside her stomach unraveling completely, replaced by an entirely new set of knots that made her warm and weak in the knees all at once.

She felt Raven tug at her jacket gently, smirking knowingly, and she followed the brunette in Clarke’s wake, clutching the pair of socks to her chest, numb and giddy at the same time.

Clarke thought she was hot.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas shopping continues, Raven goes a bit overboard (but who does't like Christmas decorations?) and a serious discussion is started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Gillster wrote the chapter but I am on posting duty. That means...it means - I HAVE ALL THE POWAH MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! - ahem... It means I get to tell you that GillyTweed is a seriously awesome co-author and that I am glad I get to write with them. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy.

Her blush finally cooled down after a couple hours of wandering around the mall and getting distracted by all of the Christmas themed displays. She and Clarke had barely spoken after the blonde’s slip, exchanging awkward glances that had only reignited her blush. Raven had dragged them into a dollar store, the older brunette cackling ever louder as she raced up and down the isles, leaving Lexa and Clarke to stand awkwardly beside each other near the entrance. 

Lexa shuffled in place, unsure of what to say. She felt her entire body buzzing with excitement and it was becoming more and more difficult to keep a grin from splitting across her face. 

Clarke thought she was hot. 

She knew she was some amount of attractive. She had gotten dates in the past of course, and Anya called her cute rather often, but she was family which sort of made the compliments obligatory. However, hearing Clarke say she was attractive made her feel like an electric current was going through her body, making it almost impossible to keep still. 

“So, you think I’m hot?” She looked at Clarke teasingly from the corner of her eye, watching as the blonde’s shoulders slowly came up around her ears. Lexa could feel her confidence skyrocket as Clarke’s cheeks quickly took on a pink hue.

“Um, maybe… How do you know I wasn’t talking about your dads, hmm?” The older girl answered quickly, her voice an octave higher than normal. 

“Uh huh, sure.” Lexa snorted, bumping her shoulder against Clarke’s, chuckling quietly. She honestly couldn’t see Clarke being into older men, let alone her very much in love, gay, foster fathers. “Well, I think you’re rather attractive yourself.” The complement jumped out before she could even think, riding on the giddy energy rushing through her body. Clarke turned to look at her, eyes bright and a grin lifting the corner of her lips, but before she could say anything Raven came sprinting from one of the many isles, arms piled high with Christmas themed decorations. The older brunette looked ecstatic, a slightly manic look in her eye. 

“Look at all this stuff! And it’s all for a dollar!” Another cackle escaped her mouth as she shoved her haul at the pair. From beside Lexa, Clarke sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. 

“Rae, each thing might be a dollar, but you and I know that all that isn’t in your budget. Put some back.” Clarke spoke with authority, exasperation lacing her words. 

“But Claaaaaarke.” Raven shuffled closer, leaning her head against Clarke’s shoulder, her eyes wide and lips pouting. The blonde’s eyes narrowed, her previous grin replaced with a frown. Lexa watched as Clarke reached up, running a hand through Raven’s hair before grabbing a loose handful and tugging. Her cheeks felt like they’d burst into flames when the tugging dragged a low moan from Raven’s mouth, a moan that could only be described as utterly pornographic. Glancing around, she let out a sigh of relief when she saw that no one was close enough to have possibly heard. 

“I said no, now go put some back or you don’t get any hot chocolate later.” At that Lexa blinked, the sudden heat that had rushed through her body fading, and watched as Raven obeyed, dragging her feet and sulking as she went to put the decorations back on the shelves. Turning back to Clarke, she felt a pout on her own lips, because how could someone withhold hot chocolate; that was just cruel. 

“I still get hot chocolate, right?” She tried to make her voice sound playful but she suddenly felt a slight hint of nervousness. She was certain Clarke wouldn’t tell her she couldn’t without a good reason, so she felt that if the blonde said she wasn’t allowed she’d feel a bit sad, but she’d obey, just as Raven had. The thought had her swallowing, her cheeks once again becoming red as her gaze tilted to the floor so it was a surprise when Clarke’s arm was suddenly around her shoulders, tugging her into a one armed hug.

“Of course you get hot chocolate, and if Raven doesn’t behave you can have hers.” Despite her face still flushing intensely, she couldn’t help letting out a low laugh at the thought of Raven pouting as she was given her portion of hot chocolate. 

“Is it bad that I’m hoping she misbehaves?” At that, Clarke threw back her head and laughed, the sound filling the brunette with happiness and pride. The warmth from those feelings remained, as well as Clarke’s arm around her shoulders, until Raven returned, her load of Christmas supplies having shrunk significantly. 

“Okay, I have two packs of candy canes, a thing of lights, two rolls of tinsel and this awesome ass wreath. Is this acceptable oh wife of mine?” Raven asked, her tone sarcastic and accompanied with a cheeky bow.

“Yes, that’s fine. I guess you get to have hot chocolate now.” Clarke rolled her eyes, a smile playing on her lips. “I guess you don’t get Rae’s, Lex.” Both of them had to hold in their laughter as Raven sputtered, her face incredulous. “Come on you two, I think it’s time to go get some food. I’m starving.” Clarke led the trio to the checkout, her arm still around Lexa’s shoulders, a fact that had once again made her giddy with happiness. Raven trailed behind, her face fighting between making a pout and a knowing smirk, creating a rather interesting combination of expression. 

They’d discussed where they would eat when they were driving over, and after some debate, they’d decided to simply go to the food court rather than one of the many restaurants that surrounded the mall. It let them all get what they wanted to eat, plus it was closer in general, and after having walked for a couple hours now, Lexa was happy they didn’t have to travel very far. 

After splitting up to get their food, she groaned a bit as she sat down at their chosen table, depositing her tray of food on top. She wasn’t exactly the fittest person in the world so the constant walking and standing had made her feet ache. She began to eat as she waited for her two companions to join her, savouring the delicious flavour of fast food. 

Her positive feelings had yet to dissipate, but they had calmed, leaving an all encompassing warmth settled in her limbs. The knowledge that Clarke found her attractive had her stomach flipping and twisting into knots, but the good kind of knots. Ones made from equal parts excitement and nervousness. 

She’d had moments before where she’d fantasized about dating Clarke, but had quickly forced the thoughts away because she didn’t want to ruin one of the first real friendships she’d ever had. But now, with the knowledge that there was some sort of mutual feelings, her mind was running wild with possibilities, both good and bad. 

The thought of dating Clarke was extremely appealing. Lexa liked Clarke, a lot, her kindness and calm, her confidence and humour. She also simply liked her company. The blonde’s presence put her at ease more often than not, creating a calm bubble where she felt that she could just be. It was a something she wanted to feel all the time, or as often as she possibly could, but as was the case with everything she’d ever wanted, her brain also had to shove every uncertainty to the forefront of her mind. 

If they started dating, was it expected of her to be Clarke’s sub? She was certain that if she didn’t want to Clarke would never force her, but another question was did  _ she _ want to be a sub? Everything she’d learned was fascinating and the one time she’d kneeled next to Clarke had been one of the most relaxing moments she could ever remember experiencing. So the idea was enticing, but there were still so many questions. Would Clarke want to have sex eventually? Again she was certain Clarke would rather die, or do something as equally dramatic, than force her to do anything she didn’t want, but another question was did  _ she _ want sex? At the moment, no, but later? She didn’t know, and as each question piled atop the last she could feel her frustration grow, extinguishing her good mood and replacing it with uncertainty and nerves. 

She knew she was getting ahead of herself. They hadn’t even discussed actually trying to date, let alone what their version of dating would entail, but her brain refusing to slow down as it usually did when it came to anything that could agitate her anxiety.  She stabbed at her half eaten food with her fork, no longer hungry as her stomach roiled. She moved her the food around plate, wishing for either one of her two companions to return to distract her from her spiralling thoughts. 

Her distraction came a few minutes later in the form of Raven plopping down in a chair beside her, a large tray piled high with chinese food. The older brunette said nothing, simply diving into her meal with such fervour one would assume she’d been starved for days. Lexa couldn’t help the snort that escaped her as she watched Raven eat, her eyes catching sight of small flecks of glitter still tangled in her hair. 

“Um, Rae…” Raven paused in her eating, fork halfway to her mouth. Lexa chuckled as she reached up, lightly brushing her fingers through the older girls hair. The digits came away speckled with glitter, which she showed to Raven. Both snorted at the sight, which quickly became full blown laughter. 

Clarke joined them after a few minutes, eyebrow raised as they slumped against each other as they chuckled. “You two seem to be having fun. Want to share with the class?” The blonde sat down across from them, eyeing them with an amused smile on her lips. Lexa tried her best to suppress her laughter as she once again ran her fingers through Raven’s hair, gathering up even more glitter to coat her hand. 

She held her hand out to Clarke, who squinted as she examined it. It took a moment, but then she blinked, a grin splitting her face as she too laughed. “You still have glitter in your hair?” The confrontation with the bullies had been almost a week ago, and as the days had progressed, Lexa had arrived at the shop to find Raven with less and less glitter in her hair until they’d thought it was finally gone. 

“I think I must have still had a pocket hiding somewhere in this luxurious mane of mine.” Raven flicked her hair over her shoulder, sending small specks of glitter falling to the floor. The sight sent them all back into a giggle fit. It took them several moments to calm down but when they did they fell into a companionable silence. 

Lexa watched as the other two ate, leaning back in her chair comfortably. The warmth she’d felt earlier had returned, calming her overactive nerves enough to relax. Being with Clarke and Raven made her feel safe, and the feeling had been reinforced when they’d defended her from the bullies.

“I never did thank you for standing up for me.” She murmured, staring at her hand and the small glittering specks that coated it. “Thank you.” She looked up to find both Clarke and Raven smiling softly at her.

“No problem, Greeneyes. I’ve had enough of people pushing me down and I don’t want you to continue going through the same thing. Remember when I told you about Finn?” At that, Clarke paused in her eating. 

“You told her about Finn?” She sounded upset, hurt even, as her gaze switched between the two brunette’s across from her.

“Just an overview, not all the dirty details.” Lexa felt her stomach drop as Clarke’s frown deepened.

“I wanted to tell you I knew, it just never felt like the right time.” She felt her throat begin to close as anxiety flooded her system, any trace of the happiness she’d felt earlier gone. She couldn’t meet Clarke’s gaze as the blonde sighed. Raven shifted a bit beside her as she realized she may have errored.

  
“Well, I guess we might as well tell you what happened. Consider it a cautionary tale I guess.” Lexa looked up at that, watching as Clarke scrubbed at her face, suddenly looking much older than she normally appeared. She felt the intense vice that had clamped around her throat loosen as the blonde gave her a small, reassuring smile. Lexa nodded, still feeling guilty but settled in to listen. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Glitter guest-stars again. Also fairies. And- the dreaded Finn talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since tomorrow I and Gilltacular are both busy - you get the chapter a day early. Don't get used to that though :p (it may happen again...or maybe not, who knows?)
> 
> Anyway - when I wrote this I couldn't help that a bit of salt from my (dark) past came through. I apologize in advance. 
> 
> Also Gilly is amazing. 
> 
> \- K

Just as Clarke opened her mouth, settling more comfortably into the plastic chair to begin her story, a family with three kids occupied the table next to theirs, the children obviously hyper over Christmas stuff. 

“Mommy!” The youngest, a girl no older than four squirmed in her mother’s arms, pointing excitedly at Raven. “Mommy look! A fairy!” 

“Jay,” the woman began sternly, shooting an apologetic look their way, “what did we say about pointing at people?” 

“Uhh,” the girl squirmed again, and a faint blush darkened her cheeks. “that it’s not polite,” she mumbled, before giving another look at Raven, eyes as wide as they could go. “but she’s a fairy mom! She’s...she’s got glittery hair!” 

“Damn Reyes, your cover is blown.” Clarke grinned across the table then turned to the girl and winked. “We would be...very grateful if you could keep my friend’s secret?” 

The girl nodded solemnly, her two slightly older sisters nodding along, their mother laughing softly as they settled down to eat. 

“We should probably have our talk someplace more private.” Raven suggested quietly, once the children’s attention was completely focused on their burgers. “Don’t want to shock my new admirers.” She ran a hand through her hair and smirked when a small shower of glitter fell on the table top. 

Lexa exchanged an amused look with Clarke, then they stood, gathering their empty plates to throw them in the trash on the way out. 

“Are they fairies too?” One of the other girls asked as they filed by their table.

“In training,” Raven replied with a grin. “you only get glittery hair after you graduate fairy school.” 

Lexa snorted, too amused by the exchange to mind being treated like Raven’s fairy minion and they walked over to get the cocoa Clarke had promised them, before finally making their way out of the mall, arms draped with bags. 

Outside the weather had turned bad and it was darker as a consequence, even though when Lexa managed a look at her phone she found out it was only around 2 p.m. 

They loaded the bags into the truck, then she hopped in the back seat, gratefully sipping at the hot cocoa. It had been quite warm inside the mall, but outside was an entirely different story, a chilly wind blasting across the parking lot, carrying a whiff of the snow to come.

Lexa typed out a quick message to Anya as Clarke pulled out of the parking lot and into traffic, letting her sister know she would spend part of the afternoon at the blonde’s place. She got almost an immediate answer, as if her older sibling had been hovering next to the phone and waiting for news.

[Sasster] Ohhh - staying over uh? Need a chaperone?

Lexa choked on the sip of cocoa she had just taken, part of the scalding liquid burning up her nose. 

_ Funny _ , she typed back,  _ you should be a comedian An. _

[Sasster] Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. And use protection.

As her eyes flew over the line of text, Lexa squealed and almost dropped the cup of cocoa on her lap.

“Everything ok back there?” Clarke inquired as their eyes met in the rearview mirror. 

“Yeah...yeah. Just Anya being Anya.” 

Clarke gave a small snort as if she totally understood what Lexa meant, but she was too caught up in finding an adequate comeback to linger on it. 

Before she could type any kind of retort, another message made her phone buzz. 

[Sasster] I hope you didn’t choke on your cocoa. Also hope you’re having a good time.

[Smol Nerd] I am. Wait - how do you know I am having cocoa? 

[Sasster] The question is when are you not having cocoa? 

More banter followed and Lexa looked up from her phone only when she realized she couldn’t hear the car’s engine running any longer. Her good humor quickly evaporated, replaced by a sickening twist of her stomach as she remembered the sad look in Clarke’s eyes at the mention of Finn. 

She followed the other two girls out of the car with trepidation, feet dragging as she tailed them up the stairs to Clarke’s apartment. 

“You know,” she mumbled as the blonde unlocked her door, “you don’t have to tell me anything about...about him. If it’s too painful, I mean.” Lexa was still afraid that, by not telling Clarke she knew a bit of what had gone down with Finn, she had broken the trust they had just begun to build upon. At the sudden thought that she risked losing Clarke’s friendship - and any chance she may have at something more - she felt almost physically ill, and prayed to whatever God happened to be listening to avoid being sick all over the blonde’s furniture.

“It’s ok.” Clarke gave her arm a reassuring squeeze, before ushering her inside and flicking the light on . 

Following the others’ lead, Lexa shucked off her boots, then took her real first look at the apartment. From where she stood she could only see the small living room and kitchenette, a narrow hallway leading off to what she supposed were the bedroom and bathroom. It was just big enough not to feel cramped with the three of them in it - perhaps helped by the fact that it was sparingly furnished. Clarke gently steered her towards the couch, on which Raven had already taken up residence as if she was just used to lounging on it. 

Which was probably the case - Lexa thought with a flash of jealousy she immediately chided herself for. She really had no cause for that, considering that Raven and Clarke had been friends for a long time. It was only natural for them to spend a lot of time together off work. 

The apartment was clean, if not overly tidy, but Lexa could sense there was some kind of order in Clarke’s apparent chaos. A table, pushed hard under the only living room window, was stacked high with sheafs of paper and various art supplies and, as Lexa’s eyes took in some of the half finished sketches, Raven suggestion for Clarke’s gift made a lot more sense. 

One particular drawing caught her attention, and she felt heat creep up her neck as she realized she was staring at her likeness on paper, scarf half hiding her face and glasses slightly fogged, like she must have looked during her first visits to the store. 

Suddenly, the only thing she could hear was the roaring of blood inside her ears, and when someone poked her shoulder, Lexa yelped, almost falling from the perch on the couch she had just taken.

“I think Lexa is enraptured by your art.” Raven snickered, hand shooting out to steady the brunette. 

Lexa turned her eyes to Clarke, slightly gratified to see the blonde was blushing just as fiercely as she. 

“I was gonna give it to you once it’s finished,” the blonde gestured to the drawing, “I still want to...if you would like to have it?” 

Lexa’s mouth was so dry that all she could do was give an eager nod, but it seemed to be enough for Clarke because her blush subsided and the blonde broke into a wide smile. 

“So,” Clarke dropped next to Lexa with a sigh, so that she was effectively bracketed between her and Raven, “about Finn.” 

Lexa’s stomach took another tumble and she thought that at the rate things were going she was going to end up with a bad case of heartburn. 

“I was in highschool when we met,” Clarke began, hands picking at a piece of paper she picked up from the coffee table, in what Lexa realized wasn’t nervousness, but an old, cold anger. 

“Well,” the blonde amended, and Lexa felt like holding her breath, like the hurt that was coming off of Clarke in waves deserved her utter silence, “we met online first. I had started exploring the BDSM scene, but I was 17 so couldn’t exactly go to clubs and such...so I looked into online communities. And that’s where I met Finn.” 

Lexa waited as Clarke took a shaky breath, and she had to clench her hands into her lap not to reach out and wrap the blonde in a tight hug. In truth she wasn’t sure it would be accepted, or welcome right that minute. “So you know, we started chatting on this website - then we exchanged phone numbers. And from online dating we began to see each other. He wanted a dom and I fit the bill I guess.” 

“Except as I already told you he was also dating me, having sex with me at the same time he was sleeping with Clarke. Apparently with me he wanted to be a dom.” Lexa’s hands started to itch and she frowned, anger bubbling inside her chest. She was not generally prone to violence, but she wanted to be very violent with Finn for what he’d done to her friends. 

“What hurt the most,” Raven continued, voice dropping to a tremulous whisper,”is that I’ve known him since forever. When my mom was too drunk to take care of me, his parents would let me sleep over and make it seem like it was the plan all along. We were playmates - then we drifted for a bit because of school, before we got reunited in high school. He sucked at math and I was a tutor student - that’s how I ended up seeing him again since he was a year ahead of me.”

Raven stopped with a small sob, and Lexa watched helplessly not quite knowing what to do while Clarke bolted from the couch, returning moments later with a small tray and water for everyone. 

“How...how could he do that? To both of you…” Lexa grabbed her glass, holding it so tight her knuckles hurt, then forced herself to take a sip to calm down. 

Raven patted her knee with a sad smile.

“You know, sometimes you don’t see the bad in people until shit hits the fan,” the brunette reached for her own glass, but didn’t drink, staring into it pensively instead, “I wish people had good/evil signs over their heads, but at times it takes you years to figure out who a person really is. And if they’re double-faced enough they’ll make you doubt yourself, make it seem like it’s you overreacting, that what they are doing is perfectly normal to the point you start believing you are the one letting them down.” 

“It’s ok to let this sort of people go,” Clarke added, voice rough with emotion, “it’s alright to cut them out of your life, even if sometimes they manage to turn mutual friends against you. And other times when you push them away they don’t go quiet.” As Lexa listened on, she was impressed by the capability Clarke had of always including a lesson, even when things involved her directly - even when it hurt.

Deep, anguished lines had appeared on Clarke’s face, and Lexa watched her own hand move with a mind of its own to wrap around the blonde’s. Her friend’s fingers were shaking, and the brunette was scared that Clarke would pull back, but then the blonde’s hand squeezed hers, not letting go.

“He took pictures of me. When I was showering, or changing. He was good and I never noticed and when we dumped him in public he…” Clarke looked like it was hard for her to swallow, to breathe, “he posted some online.”

Lexa gasped, her anger rising, choking her with a sort of cold fury she’d felt only a few times during her life.

“Don’t worry,” Raven interjected, reading the dangerous light in her eyes, “we..well...I...I malwared his ass.”

“If I ever meet him I am gonna punch him in the face. Hard.” Lexa threatened, not at all appeased.

“Oh God, yes!”

“No!” Clarke was shaking her head. “No, Lexa. He’s not worth you getting in trouble.” 

“It would be satisfying though.” Lexa countered weakly, yelping in surprise when she felt Clarke’s arms wrap around her. The hug was so forceful and sudden that she tilted backwards and into Raven, who promptly squeezed both her and Clarke in a bone-crushing hug of her own.

“Group hug!” The brunette exclaimed enthusiastically, and Lexa could do nothing but let herself be squished between them. 

Suddenly Clarke’s lips were pressed against her ear, and a quiet thank you ghosted across her cheek. Lexa smiled, hugging the blonde to herself as tightly as she could, swearing to herself that no matter what she would be there for Clarke and Raven both whenever they needed.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shopping comes to an end, and another trip to Indra's for an appointment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another chapter for you lovely beans. For next chapter we have a very special surprise so be excited for that, and be sure to read the Authors Note next chapter cause the surprise is all in there. 
> 
> Also, important question for you all, if there is anything you think that should be tagged that we've missed, please tell us. We want to cover all our basis but we are human and may miss some, so letting us know would be helpful.

After the group hug, they’d settled down to watch a few movies, and, of course, all were Christmas themed at Raven’s insistence. Lexa had found the impromptu movie night surprisingly comfortable, as she’d been wedged in between the two older girls, Clarke’s arm slung across her shoulders and Raven’s legs flung over her own as the older brunette leaned against the arm of the couch. After the first movie, more hot chocolate was procured and a large blanket had been dug out from the back of a closet which was quickly thrown overtop of all of them. Overall, the experience had been incredible, almost like a movie night with Anya, comfortable, but a bit more exciting considering that she was with friends, something she’s had very few of in her life.  
  
The evening was topped off with Clarke and Raven driving her home, the older brunette graciously allowing her to sit in the front with Clarke so long as she played Christmas music, which quickly devolved into all three of them singing at the top of their lungs until they pulled into her house’s driveway. She’d come home laughing, flushed with so much happiness that she just ignored Anya’s knowing look as she’d gone up to her room, her bag full of purchases safely tucked inside her coat.  
  
After shedding her winter clothes, hiding the bag with Anya’s present under the bed, and changing into sweatpants, she flopped onto the bed with a happy sigh, rolling until she was cocooned in her comforter. She couldn’t help the little wiggle and squeal she muffled in her pillow, her happiness overflowing. She stayed there for several hours, warm and content until her foster fathers called her for dinner, the perfect end to a perfect day.

* * *

The end of the weekend came, and thus the start of exams hit Lexa full force. The exams themselves weren’t exactly unexpected, but the lack of time spent at the shop certainly was. She’d been unable to see Clarke for almost two weeks now, spending all her time in the school’s library to ensure she had the grades to get into a university now that she actually planned on going.  
  
More than once she’d considered simply stopping so she could go see the blonde and her friends at the shop, but even the imagined look of Clarke’s disapproval had her studying harder. It helped that Clarke would text her constantly, prompting updates on her studies and if she needed any help.  
  
However, a particularly hard day had prompted a rather exciting revelation.  
  
[Lexa] Ugh, why do I even need to know this. I doubt I will ever run into a situation where I need to know how a cell works in real life  
  
[Clarke] You’re probably right, but it’s on the exam so keep going. Get them A’sssss  
  
[Lexa] but I don’t wanna  
  
[Clarke] If you work hard you can have all the hot cocoa you want  
  
[Lexa] Hell yes, I’m going through withdrawl here  
  
[Clarke] Awww poor girl… wait, what happened to the container I got you?  
  
[Lexa] Oh that’s gone. It was delicious by the way  
  
[Clarke] You’re gonna be at risk of diabetes at that rate. Maybe I should get you a sugar free cocoa next time  
  
[Lexa] Oh there’s a next time?  
  
And in that moment, Lexa realized they were flirting. It was a sudden realization, like lightning that sent excited jolts through her muscles. Looking over the texts now, Clarke’s response being a winky face and an emoji blowing a heart kiss, as she sat in Indra’s office, waiting for her appointment, she felt confident that if she did actually ask to date, Clarke would say yes.  
  
The thought terrified and excited her, sending her anxiety into a spiral of do’s and don’t’s. Her leg bounced as she waited, eyes cycling from glancing at the clock on the wall and the clock on her phone. There was a few more minutes until her appointment, but she felt like she was ready to burst. So many things had been building in her mind since their last appointment and now they were ready to spill out.  
  
She tried to ignore the raised eyebrows Emori was sending her from behind the reception desk, breathing out a sigh of relief when the door finally opened and Indra stepped out, followed by her last patient. She tried her best to wait patiently as they went through all the post session processes, setting up their next appointment and the like, but her leg only seemed to bounce harder until Indra beckoned her inside with a quirked lips.  
  
“You seem excited? Anything to tell me?” Indra spoke calmly as she sat down, forgoing their usual ritual stalling by making hot chocolate so Lexa could get out what she needed to say.  
  
“I don’t know, so much has happened so fast and I don’t know how to talk about it.” Lexa shifted in her seat, fiddling with her scarf as her leg continued to bounce.  
  
“Well, how’s school going? You mentioned you decided you wanted to go to university for psychology. Is everything going well? Lexa nodded, biting her lip as she was unsure of how to respond. She didn’t exactly want to talk about school but she didn’t know how to talk about what she wanted to either.  
  
“It’s fine. I’ve been studying for exams a lot, which has been frustrating. I haven’t been able to see my friends as often as I want.” The word ‘friends’ slipped from her mouth easily, her mind finally fully convinced that the employees in the sex shop were indeed her friends. At that, Indra graced her with a rare smile, making an unexpected warmth burst in her chest.  
  
“And how have things with your friends been going? And Clarke? You’ve mentioned her more than once in our previous sessions.” Lexa could feel a blush creep up the back of her neck. How was she supposed to say she really wanted to ask Clarke out without it becoming awkward? Plus explaining all of her fears without sounding stupid?  
  
“I-um… things have been good. We went Christmas shopping together, along with another friend, a while back. Then we went to Clarke’s apartment and watched movies. It was fun.” She managed to get out. Indra seemed to eye her knowingly, excusing herself to get them hot chocolate to give her some time to think.  
  
She tilted her head back and closed her eyes, trying to keep her breathing even. She knew she needed to get out what she was feeling or she’d become overwhelmed, but actually saying what she needed to was so hard. She grit her teeth as Indra came back into the room, setting the hot chocolate on the coffee table with soft clinks of ceramic on glass.  
  
“I want to ask Clarke out.” She blurted the words out before she could talk herself out of it. The sounds of Indra moving quickly stopped as she waited for Lexa to continue, but she stayed where she was, eyes closed and unable to say anymore.  
  
“Then why don’t you?” The question was spoken softly, a gentle prompt to get her to keep going.  
  
“I don’t know. I’m afraid, I guess. I’m pretty sure she’ll say yes, but what about after? She’s a Dom, ya know in BDSM stuff, so would it be expected of me to be her sub? I mean, I don’t think I’d object, but what about sex? I don’t even know if I’ll ever want sex, and if I figure later that I don’t want sex or to be her sub then what do I do? What if that ruins everything and I lose one of the few friends that I’ve ever managed to make?” She was breathing hard by the time she finished, salt pooling under her eyelids. She sniffled a little as she tilted her head back up, blinking away the blurriness that the tears created. Indra silently handed her the tissue box that she always kept on hand, which she accepted gratefully.  
  
“Are you more afraid of the relationship moving forward, or losing the relationship altogether?” The therapist asked softly. “All the things you’ve mentioned can all be figured out through proper communication, and I think you might be using them to keep yourself from going through with it so you don’t have to risk it possibly turning out badly.” Indra sat back for a moment, thinking about her words. Lexa gently mopped at her eyes, grimacing at the grainy feeling.  
  
“If Clarke truly cares about you, and I think she does from what you’ve told me, then she won’t care if you don’t want to be her sub, or if you never want to have sex. Those things aren’t the be all end all of a relationship. There are plenty of people out there that have strong, healthy partnerships that never have a sexual element to them. If you really want to date this girl, talk to her, set boundaries, and keep communicating. Don’t miss out on something that could be amazing just because you’re afraid of the hypotheticals.” Lexa swallowed thickly, biting her lip as she digested what Indra was saying. The older woman was right, as always, and it calmed her fears slightly. She nodded, looking up slowly to see a small smile on Indra’s lips.  
  
“Okay.” It was the only affirmation she could manage, still too overwhelmed by the emotions swirling through her body, but it seemed to be enough for Indra who sat back, her smile widening slightly.  
  
“Well, we still have forty-five minutes or so. Is there anything else you’re burning to talk about?” Lexa shook her head, finally composed enough to pick up and bring the mug of hot chocolate to her lips. The liquid scalded her tongue a little, but the feeling wasn’t exactly unpleasant as it gave her something to focus on.  
  
“Well, do you feel like things have been better recently?” She nodded. Things had been going better. She had friends, her bullies weren’t in school, whether they were in jail or on house arrest she had no idea but they were gone and that was all that mattered, and she had several things to look forward to. “Well, with your permission, I think we could try reducing the amount of sessions we have.”  
  
She choked a little on her hot chocolate at the suggestion, panic suddenly welling inside her. Logically, she understood what Indra was suggesting. She was doing better, she was building a larger support system, and in all the amount of panic attacks she’d been having had been reduced to a level that they hadn’t seen before. She was doing better, so maybe it was time to start weaning her off of the reliance she had on her therapist. However, that didn’t stop the illogical thoughts of ‘she wants to get rid of me’ or the feelings of fear that surged through her brain.  
  
“We don’t have to now of course. I just want you to think about it and evaluate if it would be a good idea, and remember, you can always come back if you need to.” Indra placated, always knowing the right words to say when it came to calming her down. “Just, think about it alright?” She nodded, swallowing hard. She knew Indra was right, but that didn’t mean she was happy about it. She knew that, in that moment, she wasn’t ready just yet, but maybe soon. Maybe after she spoke with Clarke and sorted out their feelings, and maybe after things had settled into a sort of rhythm that she could handle on her own.  
  
“How about we change the subject? Why don’t you tell me why you want to go into psychology? You never really mentioned a particular interest before now.” She felt her insides ease at the change of topic. She could think about all the things Indra had suggested later, when she had time to sort her feelings, so she launched into her explanation, drawing another, now not as rare smile from her therapist.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa's exams are almost over, so she takes some time off from studying to attend Luna's Christmas/New Years party.
> 
> Note: Check out the authors note, we have a surprise for you guys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the final chapter of Arc one is up!!! And along with it Kendrene and I have a surprise, however due to the guidelines of Ao3 we have to redirect you all to my Tumblr @GillyTweed and search for the tag "Ensorcell surprise!"
> 
> Also, seeing as we've finished arc one, we'll be taking a short hiatus (probably about 2-3 weeks ish) so we can plan out and organize arc two so we can keep up with the once a week posting schedule.

After her session with Indra, and a rather informative discussion on getting a degree in psychology, Lexa once again flung herself back into her studies. Being in high school, she only had four exams, but she’d never been particularly invested in her studies. She hadn’t failed anything, but she’d never put much effort in either, seeing as she hadn’t had any idea of where she was going in her life. Now, she had something to aim for, and thus she needed to catch up on a lot in order to meet that goal.   
  
Her first three exams went by alright, having studied enough that she was confident that she wouldn’t fail any of them, and so, when Clarke had texted her, inviting her to a Christmas/New Year's party on behalf of Luna, she felt comfortable in taking one night off from studying. However, her anxiety did decide to remind her that it would be the first time she would be seeing Clarke in almost two and a half weeks.   
  
On the evening of the Christmas/New Years all-in-one party, as Raven had dubbed it, it was chilly and full of snow. Lexa was glad that the invite had been extended to Anya, so that her sister could drive the both of them to Luna’s house, and Ryder had given them free use of his truck. He’d insisted that Anya couldn’t possibly drive her second-hand Mustang in that kind of weather.   
  
He and Gustus had also made it quite clear that - should the weather get any worse - they were allowed to sleep over, like Luna had suggested, as long as they texted them first.   
  
The fact that the small gathering was to be held at Luna’s place had come as something of a surprise. Both Raven and Clarke had told Lexa that their boss was quite the private person and she had seen their astonished expressions when Luna had handed out invites.   
  
“What?” The older woman had said, rolling her eyes at them. “The store is too small and what if it gets late and we wanna have a sleepover?”   
  
The word sleepover had sent a wave of warmth zipping down Lexa’s spine, and she had been sure it had shown quite clearly on her cheeks, but thankfully the other three had fallen into talks of what food to have and what movies to watch, leaving her to blush in relative peace.   
  
She and Clarke. Sleeping. In the same room. Even now as she sat next to Anya, watching her sister expertly drive them through increasingly slippery roads, the thought had her squirm in her seat a little.  
  
“What’s on your mind, sis?” Anya’s voice broke through the haze of her thoughts and she jumped a little, shaking her head.   
  
“Nothing.” She half-mouthed her reply, hoping her sibling would take pity and not tease her. She was nervous enough as it was.   
  
The only sound for a while was the rhythmic clack of the window wipers against the glass, then Anya’s fingers squeezed her thigh gently.  
  
“It’ll be ok, Lexa.” The brunette nodded gratefully, her own hand briefly covering her sister’s, before Anya pulled away, eyes flicking to hers, full of a warm, reassuring light, then returning to the road. If not for the fact that they were driving on a half frozen street, Lexa would have flung her arms around Anya, and she made a mental note to do just that once they had safely arrived at Luna’s.   
  
The address they had been given took them to the outskirts of their small town, where apartment buildings were replaced by quaint, one floor houses. Lexa’s eyes roamed to the darkness outside which was occasionally illuminated by cheerful Christmas lights, and soon enough Anya was slowing down and turning into a narrow driveway, where Clarke’s own battered truck was already parked.   
  
They hopped off Ryder’s truck quickly, Lexa taking the bags with the presents while Anya shouldered the small night bag they had prepared just in case. Then her sister reached for a carefully wrapped tray that Lexa hadn’t noticed, shrugging when she saw her eyeing it with curiosity.  
  
“I made cake.” Anya explained curtly.   
  
Lexa almost chortled as she followed her sister to the front door, watching as Anya carefully balanced the tray over one arm to ring the doorbell. The last time her sister had made cake, Lexa had been six and the cake was made of mud.   
  
She fervently hoped Gustus had lent a hand to avert a culinary disaster.  
  
Then the time to worry about Anya’s cooking skills was over, a smiling Luna appearing at the door to welcome them.   
  
“Hi! You must be Anya!” She greeted cheerfully, taking the tray from Lexa’s sister and ushering both of them inside and out of the cold. “Hello Lexa. We were starting to worry, the roads look pretty bad.”  
  
“Started to snow heavily again as we drove here.” Lexa replied as she and Anya shed their coats and took off their shoes, before following Luna deeper inside the house. “We’re sorry we’re a bit late.”  
  
“Nonsense,” Luna shot over her shoulder, “the important part is you got here safe.”   
Lexa was about to reply when a miniature tornado knocked all air out of her, Raven’s arms wrapping around her shoulders in a bone crushing embrace.   
  
“You made it!” The brunette patted Lexa’s arms as if to make sure no parts were missing, “I was about ready to lead a rescue team.”   
  
Raven’s eyes suddenly focused past Lexa’s shoulder, to where Anya was standing, taking in the scene with a smirk, and the brunette’s mouth dropped open.   
  
“Wow....you really are hot.”   
  
Anya quirked an eyebrow, grin widening.  
  
“And you, Raven,” Quipped a husky voice that was music to Lexa’s ears “have zero shame.”  
  
Clarke stepped forward with a smile, hugging Lexa briefly before doing the same with Anya.   
  
“Hey guys.”   
  
She took the bags with the presents from Lexa’s slackened hands, motioning for them to follow into the living room and placing the gifts under the Christmas tree that took up a whole corner of the open space.   
  
“Hey, why don’t I get a hug from the hot one.” Raven huffed, shooting an annoyed look at Clarke and pouting in Anya’s direction.   
  
“Well, if you behave you may get more than a hug, who knows?” Anya replied with a wink that surprised everyone. Except Raven.   
  
Lexa watched fascinated as the sass drained out of the brunette, leaving her a useless gay puddle and felt a bit of sympathy stir inside her chest since she was pretty sure the same happened to her whenever Clarke was in her immediate proximity.   
  
“If you’re done making puppy eyes at our guest Raven,” Luna interjected with a fond smile that took the sting out of her words, “perhaps we can all sit down and enjoy a drink?”  
  
The others chorused their assent, and Lexa found herself sitting cross-legged on a comfy pillow next to Clarke, with Luna on her other side. She accepted some hot cocoa with a grateful sigh, and was content to sip on her drink as she watched the others interact, now and then casting curious glances at the house.   
  
They sat on the carpeted floor in a circle, the low coffee table in the middle so that they could have their drinks and later on food within easy reach, the rest of the living room simple if tastefully furnished.   
  
There was a couch, but it would have been too small to fit them all, and on the opposite wall the tv was ensconced in between shelves loaded with books. Lexa could only give a cursory scan to the titles, but from what she saw Luna read a bit of everything, from classic literature, to fantasy and sci-fi to economics.   
  
“Oh I love reading.” Luna leaned in to whisper, having noticed how she gazed at the books with obvious longing. “If you want, you can take a better look later. I’ll let you borrow anything you’d like. With the way you look at the books I know you’ll take good care of them.”   
  
Lexa blushed and took the offer as graciously as she could, stammering a thank you before hiding her face in her drink. Luna patted her arm, then stood, moving towards the small kitchen area.   
  
Clarke got up to help and soon enough the coffee table was loaded with snacks. There were some chips and popcorn, but also veggie and fruit skewers, what Clarke told her was Luna’s famous homemade hummus and an assortment of sandwiches.   
  
And, Lexa noted with a gasp, Anya’s cake actually looked _good_.   
  
They ate, sharing jokes and stories, all of them breaking down into a never ending fit of giggles when Luna recalled the one time she’d caught a customer in their back room, making photocopies of his junk.   
  
“Ok!” their host announced when they were all stuffed with food and a bit sleepy. “Present time!”   
  
Lexa had been leaning against Clarke’s shoulder, the blonde’s arm casually draped around her and she groaned in protest when her friend shifted to grab the gifts from under the Christmas tree.  
  
“Oh shush, you Grinch.” Clarke snorted, poking her in the ribs. “You know you’re dying to open your presents too!”   
  
It was true, but Lexa regretted having to give up her comfortable spot against Clarke’s side.   
  
“So, since Luna hosted the party I say she opens hers first!” Raven proposed, the others nodding along.   
  
“Alright.” The woman graciously accepted a red envelope sparkling with gold glitter, humming in appreciation when she saw what was inside.   
  
“A spa day! Thank...wait…” her eyes suddenly narrowed, “are you trying to tell me something?”   
  
“We know how hard you work,” Raven explained hurriedly, “and we want you to have some time for yourself.”   
  
“Oh?” Luna smirked. “I thought you were implying I’m too stressed.”   
  
“Who, us? Never!” Raven protested with a hurt expression that looked far too innocent to be real.  
  
Next, since they couldn’t decide who between Clarke, Lexa and Raven should go next, Luna suggested they open a present each. And that was how they all found themselves with personalized coffee mugs.   
  
“Useless wife? Really Rae?” Clarke asked, showing her present around.   
  
“Well,” Raven shrugged, “you never cook for me, you don’t iron my panties…”  
  
“Who even does that?!” Clarke retorted with a laugh.   
  
“Enough you two.” Luna cut in, sensing that they were getting off track. “Lexa, what did you get?”  
  
Lexa felt her cheeks heat up as everyone looked to her expectantly and wordlessly raised her mug. It said “#1 Baby Gay”.   
  
“Accurate.” Anya commented with a short laugh and Lexa felt the top of her ears begin to burn.   
  
“Well I think it’s cute,” Clarke pressed her shoulder against Lexa’s, “just like its new owner.” She murmured, leaning closer to whisper discreetly into her ear.   
  
Lexa felt her heart race and ducked her head a little, letting her hair fall like a curtain between them. Clarke’s fingers ghosted along the back of her hand gently, then the blonde was pulling back and she could breathe again.   
  
“What does yours say, Raven?” Lexa asked, trying to regain some composure and was actually proud of how her voice didn’t waver. She knew exactly what was printed on Raven’s mug, having plotted the whole thing with Clarke after their shopping day.   
  
“I’m fairly gay. Or fairy. Since the L is crossed out. Ah-ah. Smartasses.” But Raven was grinning, and delighted by the packets of glitter they had filled the mug with.   
  
“You are not opening those in my house, Raven or I will fire you.” Luna threatened when the brunette fished one out. “Also no throwing them. Remember what happened last time.”  
  
The brunette grumbled, but obeyed and the opening of presents continued. Lexa handed Anya her own, laughing with her sister when she found the reindeer stamped socks and tearing up a little as she saw the expression of undiluted joy break through Anya’s usually stoic features when she unwrapped her new boxing gloves.   
  
“Thank you.” Anya crawled over to her and pulled her into a hug, “these must have cost you a fortune.”   
  
Lexa shrugged her cheeks wet with tears she wasn’t entirely sure belonged to her. “You’re worth much more to me than whatever the price tag was.”  
  
“Well you can have as many rounds with me as you want, Anya.” Raven grinned at the older blonde once she’d returned to her seat, gloves hugged tightly to her chest.   
  
“Hey Raven, you know that book about flirting techniques you wanted to write?” Clarke asked.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Don’t.”  
  
Happy laughter filled the room, but Lexa’s mirth caught in her throat when she realized only the gift she’d gotten for Clarke was left. Doubt clamped down around her chest. What if Clarke didn’t like the sketch book in the end? What if she’d gotten the wrong kind?   
  
She chewed on her lower lips, looking everywhere but at the blonde, until her eyes met Luna’s, the woman giving a reassuring smile.   
  
“Why don’t you guys help me make more cocoa?” Their host asked pushing to her feet, and Anya immediately followed after one look at Lexa’s face.   
  
“But...but…” Raven gestured at the remaining present, but before she could add more, Anya had grabbed her by the back of her shirt, basically dragging her towards the kitchen.   
  
Once they were relatively alone, Lexa gathered herself with a shaky breath, then pulled the wrapped gift onto her lap, before offering it to Clarke.   
  
“I...hope you like it.”   
  
She shrank away as soon as Clarke’s hands started to tear excitedly at the paper, torn between wanting to peer into the blonde’s face and fearing what she would see if she did.  
  
“Oh my God, Lexa. It’s beautiful!”  
  
Lexa’s gaze traveled to Clarke’s face of its own accord and she was lost in the blue of the blonde’s eyes - a blue rendered even brighter by excitement. Clarke was turning the leather bound sketchbook in her hands almost reverently, thumbing the pages carefully, a luminous smile lighting up her whole face.   
  
Then Clarke’s eyes went to the still wrapped box that had come with it and she let out a gasp as she discovered a case of colored pencils. That had been Lexa’s own addition to Raven’s idea - all the sketches she had spotted in Clarke’s apartment were done in charcoal, or sepia, but she was sure that the blonde could draw equally well with color, and eager to see her do so.   
  
“This is so cool, Lexa...I…” Clarke swallowed, seemingly at a loss for words, and instead opting for putting her presents to the side and pulling Lexa into her arms, face pressed into the crook of the brunette’s neck.   
  
They stayed like that a while, the little puffs of Clarke’s warm breath against her skin sending goosebumps down Lexa’s spine, then she collected what was left of her courage and cleared her throat, figuring that if she didn’t ask now, she never would.  
  
“I was wondering,” Lexa began, drawing back slightly so that she could stare into Clarke’s eyes, “if...if you’d want to go out. With me.” She bit her lower lip and finished breathlessly, “on a date.”   
  
Clarke blinked, eyes widening a fraction.  
  
“Yes,” the blonde’s voice sounded hoarse, as if her mouth had gone suddenly dry, “a thousand times yes.”  
  
Then they were hugging again and, as she threw her arms around Clarke’s shoulders, Lexa thought the blonde’s embrace felt safe. Caring.  
  
It felt like possibility. 


	23. Authors Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not a chapter, but does have some important info about whats been happening with this fic

This is unfortunately not an update, but it does hold a lot of information about the future of this fic.   
  
First things first, WE ARE NOT ABANDONING IT, however, this summer has been far more hectic and busy than expected. Thus, we have decided to extend our hiatus past what we initially thought. We’ve decided to keep our hiatus going until I (Gilly) return to school which will be around early September. Yes, I know that’s a long time, but as it is now, with me having close to a full time job, paired with an illness that gives me essentially chronic exhaustion, I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the update schedule we had before.  
  
Second, we have been working on it, slowly but surely. We have planned out several chapters and plan to slowly backlog some so when we do finally come back our update schedule will hopefully remain consistent and steady.   
  
If anyone has any questions or concerns, or if you just want to chat, feel free to come and talk with us over on tumblr @GillyTweed and @Kendrene  
  
~Gilly 


	24. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, Nerds, guess what

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kendrene and I have decided to release a chapter to help tide y'all over. We haven't updated this properly since like April? So to show we are indeed working on it, we're releasing the first chapter of the second Ark (heh, Arc, I'm hilarious *and tired, it's like almost 11pm and I've been awake since 7*) Anywho, we hope you enjoy ~Gilly

Lexa almost flew out of the bus as it stopped next to the strip mall. A great weight seemed to have lifted off her back since she had been done with the actual exams, but now that her grades had come in, she felt like she was walking on air.

The results had come both as a relief and a surprise. After all - while being a decent enough student - she hadn’t really put all of her efforts into school until she’d begun to think about going to university, which was a pretty recent thought. So after having poured over books until her back hurt and her eyes were ready to fall out, the fact that she not only passed without trouble, but with grades far higher than she’d expected filled her with joy.

Anya had been the first person she’d shown her grades to, and the look of pride in her sister’s eyes still made her tear up a little. They would go to her favorite burger place over the weekend to celebrate, and Lexa couldn’t keep a grin off her face at the prospect.

A grin that only grew bigger as she raced across the mall’s parking lot and up the steps to the sex shop’s door. She was happy to see that she hadn’t arrived past the closing hours. She had come a bit later in the day than she was used to.

“Hey there!” Raven greeted from behind the counter. “Look at you all study free!” She smirked as she leaned forward. “How has the days of downtime been treating ya?”

The last few days had been rather relaxing. It was the sweet spot between exams and classes, meaning she had absolutely nothing school related to worry about, other than the actual results that is. The time alone had been blissful, an endless period of wonderfully mind numbing television and movies, only broken by the occasional nap and snack break. She opened her mouth to reply, but before she could a certain blonde poked her head out from the back room.

“Wait, how long have you been done with exams?” Clarke asked, brow furrowed and a slightly hurt expression on her face. Lexa winced, feeling guilt and anxiety flood her chest.

“A couple days, I wanted to wait to know my results so I could tell you in person.” She fiddled with her scarf as she looked down at the floor. In hindsight waiting was kind of a stupid idea. She didn’t have to take all that time away from Clarke just so she could tell her the results of her exams.

“Aww, you’re adorable.” Lexa blinked as Clarke’s arms wrapped around her. The embrace was long and warm and just the right amount of tight as she hugged the blonde back. “Plus I understand if you needed time alone once you were done. I used to hermit big time after a long exam period.” Suddenly all her guilt and anxiety vanished as she sighed in relief. Somehow Clarke almost always seemed to know what to say to reassure her.

“So how’d you do Green eyes? You looked excited when you came in so I assume you passed.” Raven propped her head up on her fist, smiling as the couple continued to hug. Lexa pulled away just enough to answer, her arms still around Clarke’s waist.

“I got 80% or higher in almost everything!” Her smile was so wide her face almost ached as Clarke and Raven cheered. The blonde began to bounce around, pulling the younger girl into an impromptu celebratory dance while Raven did her own solo version behind the counter. Lexa couldn’t help but laugh, the lightness from earlier returning as her friends congratulated her on her success. Finally, after several minutes of dancing, they were all breathless and laughing, and slumped on the counter.

“Good job.” Clarke breathed through her laughter before pressing a quick kiss to her cheek. Her face bloomed red, making Raven laugh.

“Awwww, you two are so adorable I could throw up.” The older brunette placed the back of her hand on her forehead, mock fainting and collapsing on the counter before bursting into giggles. “But same, good job, Lex. I was only really good at math and physics, so to score well on everything really is amazing.” Raven’s words made Lexa blush anew, but for an entirely different reason from the first.

“Well I did get only 72% in history.” She kinda felt bad about that, even if it was in no way a bad grade. “It’s not that I don’t like it, but the dates just won’t stick around in my head long enough to remember them for a test.”  
“You still did awesome!” Clarke put an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. “I think this calls for celebratory hot cocoa!”

Lexa would have loved nothing more, but she’d promised Gustus she would do a grocery run. Well, it didn’t qualify as a chore really, since she was to purchase the ingredients for her very own celebratory dinner.

“Would you mind postponing the cocoa time to another day this week? I have errands to run for my dad.”

Her gaze dropped to her shoes and she squirmed a little, afraid that Clarke would be offended or something.

“It’s not a problem, Lexa.” The blonde’s tone was gentle and, when she raised her eyes, Clarke was still smiling broadly.

“We can’t keep you from your sacred quest.” Raven chimed in. “Especially if it involves food! Besides we can just have double the cocoa to make up for lost time.”

“And double the diabetes?” Clarke countered with a shake of her head. “I think not.”

Lexa couldn’t help but giggle at the pouty look on Raven’s face, the brunette moving things around the counter in a sulky silence occasionally interrupted by grumbling.

“Talk later?” Lexa asked Clarke once her giggles had subsided. “We could skype once you get back from work if you wanna?” She had missed the blonde a lot, even though the time she’d taken for herself had been a blessing after the exams craziness. To just slow down and have all those empty hours to fill how she wanted, if she wanted to, had helped Lexa recharge her batteries. She was ready for a new semester and very much looking forward to dating Clarke.

“Would love to. My shift ends soon, so text whenever you’re ready.” The smile on Clarke’s face was so bright that Lexa leaned in, and before she could really register what she’d done, her lips had ghosted the barest of touches at the corner of the blonde’s mouth.

“Uh. Uhm. A-after we both had dinner?” Clarke stammered after swallowing a few times.

“Oh just get a room already!” Raven laughed, having apparently quit her sulking.

Lexa was thankful she hadn’t even taken her scarf off when she’d entered the store, so she could hurriedly tug it up and hide her burning cheeks behind it. Clarke had no such protection, and Lexa swore her blush could illuminate the whole block.

“I think I’ll walk you outside.” The blonde finally said, gently tugging her towards the door, “I need to...cool off.”

They were hounded out of the store by Raven’s cackling and stepped outside, falling silent once they were alone. Or alone as they could be in a crowded parking lot.

“So talk to you later?” Lexa shuffled in place, chewing on her lower lip.

“Absolutely.” The cold December air seemed to have helped Clarke recover. “And thanks for telling me about your grades in person. It means a lot.”

Lexa nodded and then it was time to part ways. If she hurried she could shop in a reasonable time and make it to the bus before it got too dark and cold. Normally she wouldn’t mind waiting at the bus stop for a while, but she could smell snow in the air and she didn’t want to get stuck in a blizzard or something.

The supermarket where her parents usually shopped was close enough that she could walk to it and, judging by the cars getting in and out of the parking lot, just as crowded as the mall had been.

It was normal she supposed, since people were stopping to buy food on the way home from their workplace.

Lexa fished the shopping list out of her pocket and studied it for a moment, planning ahead so that she wouldn’t have to backtrack in an endless loop among the shelves. She really didn’t have to buy that many things, and as she walked into the brightly lit store, her mind wandered to the food those ingredients were going to be transformed to by Gustus’ capable hands.

Spare ribs dressed in his signature BBQ sauce and green beans, plus his famous homemade fries. And he’d said she could get any dessert she wanted, so Lexa decided on icecream. Neither she nor Anya liked elaborate cakes that much and she hadn’t had a good serving of ice cream in forever.

She decided to keep the ice cream for last, because she knew she would agonize over which flavors to pick for an eternity.

She got a cart and headed over to the veggie section which was self serve, then got in line at the butcher’s counter. Since there were a few people ahead of her, Lexa took her time to look around the supermarket. The festive air was palpable, from the Christmas music coming from the speakers to the giant signs advertising Holiday Specials. And people, she noticed, looked a bit more smiling than usual if not exactly relaxed. There were plenty of kids around and the types of groceries customers were filling their carts with, told her that more than one family was planning a party.   
Lexa looked forward to their own Christmas dinner on the 25th and was glad that finding a family with Gustus and Ryder had made her change her mind on this time of the year. Anya would never admit she liked Christmas, but Lexa could tell her sister was excited about it too, when just a few years ago they’d both been dreading it.

When her turn came, Lexa asked the butcher for the ribs and, after some deliberation, some bacon for next day’s breakfast. She would cook it for everyone along with eggs and waffles which covered the extent of her culinary expertise. Still it was fair since Gustus was preparing such a special dinner to celebrate her good grades.

After getting the meat, she moved towards the frozen goods section, taking the grocery list out again to make sure she hadn’t forgotten anything.

She was ticking off the items in her mind as she walked, too lost in Gustus’ scribbled handwriting to pay attention to where she was going, when her cart came to an abrupt halt.

Realizing she’d bumped into someone, Lexa tore her eyes off the crumpled piece of paper and hurriedly looked up, an apology on her lips.

“You.” The voice was cool, detached even, but Nia’s gaze was so sharp Lexa was sure it was boring into her skull. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you.” Lexa couldn’t breathe, her throat closing as she took in the other girl’s thunderous appearance. Without even a second thought she abandoned her cart and sprinted for the door.

Her heart was pounding, leaping into her throat and choking her with her panic. She didn’t register the stares she got as she ran from the store, down the street and back to the small strip mall. She felt like there was acid chewing at her ribs, bubbling and seering until all she could feel was a blind panic. Her breaths came in gasps as she skidded to a stop next to the sex shops door.

“Lexa, are you okay?” Luna’s voice sounded distant and tinny, but she managed to shake her head, no, no she wasn’t okay. She’d gone so long without seeing Nia, without the constant fear and having to look over her shoulder, that she’d gotten used to the safe feeling she’d found with Clarke, and all the other employees at the shop. She’d gotten used to the lack of sudden panic. Now, jarred violently back to reality she could only think of going back to the safe place, back to Clarke and the comfort she brought.

“Clarke?” She croaked through her gasps, hoping she’ll be understood.

“She went home already but I’ll drive you to her place.” The older woman said with conviction. She finished locking up the shop then quickly ushered Lexa into her car.

The ride went by in a blur, Lexa trying her best to control her breathing. Luna said nothing, just determinedly focused on the road and not asking what had sent Lexa into such a spiralling panic. The brunette was grateful for that, because she doubted she’d be able to get out any coherent words anyway.

When they pulled up in front of Clarke’s apartment, she’d managed to calm her breathing enough that she was no longer hyperventilating, but she was shaking like a leaf. Luna parked the car before hurrying around to the other side and helped her stand, wrapping a comforting arm around her shoulders as she led her up the stairs.

It only took a moment for Clarke to open the door after they hit the buzzer, brow furrowed in confusion and tea mug in hand. She’d changed from her work outfit of nice jeans and graphic tee to a pair of sweatpants and a baggy sweatshirt, but just the sight of her made a sliver of calm creep into Lexa’s chest.

The blonde let them in without a word, setting her mug down on a side table and opening her arms so Lexa could step into them. The younger girl could hear them talking, Luna most likely explaining how she’d found her outside the shop, but for Lexa all the noise seemed to quiet, becoming a soft hum in the back of her mind as she buried her face on Clarke’s shoulder.

She barely registered Luna leaving, the door softly clicking shut, but as she was left alone with Clarke she felt a sob bubble in her throat and tears burn her eyes.

She was so tired.

Tired of being afraid, of fearing that all the good things that had been happening would suddenly disappear. She was tired of having to look over her shoulder every few seconds as she walked her school’s halls. She was tired of the terror and near instant panic attack that the simple sight of Nia or her friends would bring out in her. She was so tired of being weak.

Clarke guided her further into the apartment, gently moving them to sit on the couch and pulling the sobbing brunette into her arms. The blonde didn’t say anything, simply holding her close and running soothing fingers through her hair. Lexa was grateful for that, because as with Luna she was doubtful she’d be able to explain anything in her current state.It took a long while, the light flowing in through the window slowly becoming dimmer, but eventually her sobs became hiccups then small sniffles.

“I saw Nia at the store.” She murmured into Clarke’s neck, their position having shifted to where she lay atop the blonde, the older girls arms wrapped tightly around her. Clarke’s hand paused, her fingers tangled in brunette locks. “I just… I panicked.” She didn’t know how to properly convey the feelings she’d felt. The sudden drop of her stomach, how she felt instantly ill, how hard it was to breathe. How she felt now, frustrated and angry with herself for literally fleeing the store because she couldn’t stand being within the same building as her bully. She just didn’t have the words. Then Clarke’s soothing motions began again, gently massaging the back of her neck.

“She hurt you, of course you’d want to get away. I’d run too if I expected to be hurt.” Clarke said softly, although Lexa couldn’t help but doubt a little. Clarke was so strong, able to stand up and say what she wanted, she could handle confrontation and didn’t burst out crying at the sight of certain people. Instead of voicing her thoughts, she simply snuggled closer, burying her face even more into Clarke’s neck. She felt Clarke heave a sigh, her jaw moving like she was trying to find the words to say.

“Look, I really don’t know what to say in this situation. I’ve never had to deal with what you do. I was lucky and didn’t get bullied in school, I got depressed sure, but not chronically. I don’t get anxious like you do. I just… I don’t know how to help you, but I really want to do whatever I can.” Lexa felt the tight knot in her chest loosen ever so slightly at Clarke’s words, warmth flooding her at the show of support. If she was being honest she had no idea what Clarke could do either.

“Well, if you don’t know what to say maybe just hugs?” She squeezed Clarke’s tighter. “Cause I don’t know either, but I do know that just you being here helps.” She smiled softly as Clarke’s arms tightened as well, the blonde pressing a gentle kiss to her temple.

“So, if I have no idea how to handle a situation, hugs. Got it.” There was a bit more certainty in Clarke’s voice now that she had some course of action. Lexa sighed happily, feeling comfortable and warm.

“I still have to go get groceries.” She groaned, not wanting to move. Her heart rate had finally leveled out, and the sick feeling was almost gone, and laying on Clarke was honestly the most comforting thing she’d ever experienced.

“I could go with you. Going shopping with someone is always more fun than if you do it alone.” It also meant that if Nia was still hanging around, Clarke would be there as a buffer.

Lexa couldn’t help the full smile that stretched across her lips as she nodded. She was certain that doing anything with Clarke would be fun, considering she’d managed to actually make learning fun.

“Cool, I just need to throw on some proper pants and we’ll be good to go.” Lexa resisted the urge to pout as Clarke shifted from beneath her and padded down the hall towards her room. Without Clarke, she suddenly felt cold, not uncomfortably so but the sudden lack of contact made her want more. Sighing, she kicked her feet a bit, waiting for Clarke’s return, and pulled out her phone. She really should tell her dads what was going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to talk with us about this fic feel free to come hit us up on tumblr @Kendrene and @GillyTweed


	25. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas time in Lexa's household!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! 
> 
> While we are still working on resuming a regular posting schedule, Gilly has gone back to college (poor bean) and they suggested we ease the soul-sucking ordeal many of our readers share with my co-author by posting a chapter.
> 
> Besides, it's almost Christmas (laughs maniacally)
> 
> Ahem. 
> 
> We hope you enjoy
> 
> \- Dren & Gilly

“And pancakes are served!” Gustus announced in an almost singsong voice, doing a small toe tap sort of dance as he set the large stack of fluffy circles on the kitchen table. Both of her dads had let the christmas spirit infect them, decking out the house with a tree set up in the corner of the living room, tinsel wrapped around the stairs’ banister, and they’d gifted both her and Anya with gaudy sweaters covered in pictures of trees and reindeers.

It was the same situation almost every year, the two men would try to make Christmas eve as special as they could. Dressing everyone in the surprisingly comfortable sweaters, setting out a pile of board games, and then making a large dinner of pancakes, a throw back to her and Anya’s first night staying with them. It was exciting in a way, a family night where she knew what to expect and she knew that she’d enjoy it. It was a calm night of fun that she’d learned to look forward to every year, and even more importantly it kept the memories of running into Nia at bay. Tonight was safe, and fun, and she knew she had nothing she needed to worry about.

Despite it being a family night she couldn’t help but check her phone every once in a while. Clarke had gone off a couple provinces over to visit her mom, and she’d yet to text or phone at all beyond a brief ‘Merry Christmas’ that morning. Lexa tried to push the slight sliver of anxiety away, not even sure why she was anxious in the first place, as she slipped her phone into her pocket. She just needed to focus on family now. 

She sat beside Anya, her sister trying her best to not let her excitement show. Anya had always tried not to get too into holidays, afraid that they’d be off to a new foster home the next year, but after living in one place for four years she was obviously steadily getting more and more into it. Lexa had relaxed a bit after the second year, realizing that if they’d made it so far as to stay for over a year, then they probably wouldn’t be moving anytime soon, and she was rather glad she’d turned out to be right. 

The table was piled high with plates of bacon, eggs, sausage, and pancakes, with several different bottles of condiments scattered between. It looked almost exactly as she remembered it looking on her first night in the house, only this time she and Anya didn’t hesitate to dig in. It didn’t take them long to finish all  their plates, but they stayed at the table, chatting and joking while Gustus moved back to the kitchen area to prepare cinnamon rolls for the next morning. 

“So you’re sure you want to go to the local university? You don’t want to go to a bigger one?” Ryder prodded her, eyebrow raised. She’d mentioned what she wanted to do in passing, but this was their first serious conversation about it, and it was making her excited, if a little bit nervous.

“Yeah, I talked about it with the advisor, Kane. He said that the Psych program there is decent, plus it’s not so big that I’ll freak out, and it’s in a place I know so I don’t need to get used to a new environment.” She explained as she folded her napkin into a small origami bird. She’d done quite a bit of research on the local university after she’d discussed her interests with Clarke, Raven and Luna, and she was pretty sure she was making the right decision. She was staying in a place where she already had a support system, she knew the area, and the university itself wasn’t so gigantic that just thinking about it made her nervous. Honestly, Indra would be proud with how well she’d thought it out. 

“Well, if that’s what you want to do, then we support you,” An unfocused ‘here here’ came from Gustus, despite his attention being on cooking, showing he was indeed listening to the conversation. “Especially considering you’ve  obviously thought about it so much.” Ryder smiled at her from the other side of the table, pride shining in his eyes. “What about you Anya? Any ideas for next year?” 

Her sister hummed in thought for a moment, thinking about her answer. Anya had decided not to go to university, finding academics not to be her strong point, instead she’d gone out and gotten a job as soon as she’d graduated, finding part time work at a gas station and the local gym.

“Well, the gym has offered me a full time position as a trainer, so I think I’m gonna take that. I enjoy it, so why not? I’d be able to finally quit the gas station job where I want to murder someone every few minutes.” Ryder beamed at her response, Gustus providing a muffled ‘woo’ from where he’d stuck his head in the fridge. Despite she and Anya having very different goals and aspirations, the two men showed equal amounts of pride for each of them,  getting excited when their girls got excited, and they’d  always try their best to reserve their judgement until they knew the whole situation. It was just another reason why Lexa absolutely loved them. 

“Alrighty, cinnamon rolls done! Time to crush you all at monopoly!” Gustus boomed as he wiped his hands on a dish towel, a grin splitting his face. 

“Keep dreaming, dear.” Ryder sniped back, the words gentled by his own grin. They all got up to clear the table, naturally sharing the chores so that it would be done as quickly as possible. 

Anya and Ryder piled the dirty dishes for easy transport to the kitchen, where they rinsed them before loading the dishwasher, while Gustus packed away the leftovers to go with their cinnamon rolls in the morning. Lexa was left with sweeping duty, a task she performed in record time before wiping down the table and grabbing the Monopoly box from the shelf where they kept the “family nights” section of their entertainment.

By the time she was done setting up the board game the others had migrated over to the living room, Gustus bearing a tray with cups and snacks so that they could settle down for a night of playing. Their games tended to run very long, so Lexa was grateful to find that he’d spiked up her hot cocoa with a bit of coffee. 

Once they were all set, a cup of their favorite hot beverage in hand, the game began in earnest. 

“Dibs on bank duty!” Anya announced, pulling the box full of colorful money towards herself, “it gives me the illusion I am filthy rich when in truth I struggle to buy even one house for my properties.” 

“You’re going down, sis.” Lexa smirked, picking the top hat for her game piece, “you all are.” 

“I am happy to see you are so confident,” Gustus interjected, “but just ‘cause it’s Christmas doesn’t mean I am letting you win.” 

“You meant  _ I _ am not letting  _ you  _ win, right hun?” Ryder laughed and everyone joined in merrily. 

Lexa loved that kind of easy banter, cherishing these moments in which they all made time to be together and enjoy each other’s company. She also felt the urge to laugh. Everyone was trash talking as though they would win based simply on their force of will, yet the game itself was mostly based on chance, so no amount of strategy would help any of them if luck wasn’t on their side. 

It only took a few throws of the dice before they were all completely engrossed in the game, buying properties and cheering whenever one of them ended up in jail. It was all in good fun, and Lexa soon let go of her worry over the lack of contact from Clarke. The blonde had probably done the same thing she did - put her phone away to focus on her family.

Anya was the first one to go bankrupt, having bought more property than she could have handled too soon into the game. Her sister groaned dramatically, before scooting over and sitting right next to Lexa with a grin. 

“I’ve merged with my sister! We’re one entity now!”  She announced, pulling the box of fake money closer, so she could continue to deal out when people needed it. 

“Ok, but considering the end result I am not taking your financial advice without careful deliberation!”

“Oh you hurt me dear sister!” Anya placed a hand on her heart dramatically, before they broke down in a fit of giggles. The giggle fit lasted far longer than it probably should have, the late hour finally starting to get to them.

“I’m glad bankruptcy amuses you children,” Ryder interjected after she rolled the dice, “so you won’t feel too bad about joining Anya, Lex. Hand over that sweet, sweet cash.” 

Lexa’s mouth fell open. She’d managed to land on Ryder’s most expensive property, and after a quick bout with math and Anya’s sad confirmation, she came to the conclusion she didn’t have nearly enough cash to pay the fee for stopping on his land. Land that he had covered in houses in an impossibly short time. If she didn’t know better, Lexa could almost believe he’d been given a million in monopoly dollars to start off his business. 

“Just you and me, eh hun?” Gustus grinned, playfully elbowing his husband, “but we share assets right?” 

“In the game of monopoly,” Ryder replied, a cold light in his eyes, “you either win, or you die.” 

“Wow, that escalated quickly.” Anya murmured over her shoulder. Her sister had moved so she could lean back against the couch, putting Lexa between her legs. It gave her the perfect back rest when she slumped back with a dramatic pout as Ryder took all her money and properties. 

She didn’t move as they watched Gustus and Ryder continued playing, or rather watched as Ryder completely destroyed his husband in a fictional economy. Anya wrapped her arms around the younger girl, resting her chin on her shoulder so she could see. The rest of the game didn’t take long, Ryder laughing as Gustus landed on one of his more expensive properties, sealing his win. They then set about sorting out the pieces so the game could be put away. 

It was when the lid finally sealed the box did the mood suddenly changed, Gustus and Ryder looking at them, she and Anya, oddly. She swallowed and leaned into her sister. She knew this mood, it meant they had something they needed to talk about, something important. 

“Whatever it is, Anya did it!” She blurted out, breaking the silence that had gone on just a bit too long. “I have an alibi.”

“Hey! If your alibi is Clarke it doesn’t count!” Anya shoved her lightly, but Lexa could tell she was uncomfortable too. Generally when this mood happened, when the air became heavy with things unsaid, it meant they’d be sent to another foster home, except this time they’d both aged out of the system. Where they getting kicked out? Where they going to end up living under a bridge somewhere? She knew her thoughts were ridiculous, but she couldn’t help it. She only relaxed a little when both men laughed lightly, soft smiles on their faces.

“Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble or anything, but we do have something we need to discuss with you, as a Christmas present of sorts, if you want to.” Lexa felt her brow furrow. Why would they need to discuss a Christmas present? She watched, sceptical, as her dad's shifted to sit beside each other and lace their fingers together. 

“We’ve been discussing things, and we were hoping,” the two men shared a soft smile, making Lexa even more confused, “that you would let us adopt you?” Lexa blinked, really not expecting that. She looked to Anya, finding her sister just as confused as her. 

“Um, aren’t we too old for that? Like, Lexa turned eighteen in July, so…” Anya crossed her arms, eyebrow raised. Lexa nodded, agreeing. Anya was right, they were both over eighteen and adoption was for minors, wasn’t it? 

“Have either of you ever heard of adult adoption?” Gustus asked, his smile widening. He explained when both of them shook their heads. “Basically, it lets someone leave property or financial assets more easily to the person who’s adopted, but it’s also to formalize parent/child relationships between foster parents and adult foster kids.” Lexa swallowed, realizing what they were asking.

They really, truly wanted to be her and Anya’s parents. 

The two men could easily have just waited until they aged out of the system, and when her and Anya finally moved out they would have no responsibility or obligation to them whatsoever. However, by adopting them, they were basically saying ‘we like you, please don’t leave.’ A sudden feeling of warmth filled her chest  and tears welled in her eyes. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Anya struggling with her own emotions, crossed arms dropping so she could grip her hands in her lap. 

Gustus and Ryder looked worried for a moment, spotting their tears, then they breathed a sigh of relief when they both nodded, too emotional for words. Instead of going on to what would most probably have been a discussion about the adoption process, her dads simply spread their arms, which she and Anya willingly fell into. They could talk about the technicalities later. All that mattered now was that they were going to be a family. 

Officially. 

**Author's Note:**

> Any comments and criticism are welcome. We do have a bit of a plan for this but feedback will always be taken into consideration


End file.
